Modern Love: Lindy West and polyamory

[Anonymous]

She knew he had been divorced twice. She knew he was polyamorous and she chose him. She had agency, she got to decide what she wanted and she decided that she wanted someone who was twice divorced at a young age and into polyamory.

She made a competent choice as an adult. He he was was who she wanted. Now she is again doing what she wants as a competent adult with agency over her own life.

[Anonymous]

Lindy West alwaysbstruck me as someone who was deeply insecure, particularly about her appearance and this reads like it's part of that issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knew he had been divorced twice. She knew he was polyamorous and she chose him. She had agency, she got to decide what she wanted and she decided that she wanted someone who was twice divorced at a young age and into polyamory.

She made a competent choice as an adult. He he was was who she wanted. Now she is again doing what she wants as a competent adult with agency over her own life.

Yes to the divorces, not to the polyamory.

She didn't know he was polyamorous until they were basically on the brink of getting married. Like they'd already discussed building a life together and *then* he told her he was non-monogamous. Sure, she has agency. Everyone does. But this was manipulative because at that point she had already emotionally committed to him, plus she was very open with him that she had always assumed that because of her weight, she would never be loved by someone else or get married. He kept critical info from her about himself and the kind of future they could have together until he felt confident that she'd be really reluctant to give up a relationship (knowing she did not believe she would have many, or any, other chances at marriage or kids).

And then, even worse, he got into another relationship while married to her, without telling her. To any normal person, this is cheating. But he then claims she "technically agreed" to an open marriage since she knew he was non-monogamous when they got married. But he also knew she was NOT non-monogamous (apologies for the double negatives) and that she'd very much want to know that he was going to do that before he did it. He did it anyway. And then she only found out because a 3rd party told her, and then she had to decide whether to accept this other relationship she'd never consented to, or divorce him, again with him knowing Lindy does not believe she will ever find someone else willing to love or marry her again.

Ignoring those factors ignores all the substance of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew he had been divorced twice. She knew he was polyamorous and she chose him. She had agency, she got to decide what she wanted and she decided that she wanted someone who was twice divorced at a young age and into polyamory.

She made a competent choice as an adult. He he was was who she wanted. Now she is again doing what she wants as a competent adult with agency over her own life.

Yes to the divorces, not to the polyamory.

She didn't know he was polyamorous until they were basically on the brink of getting married. Like they'd already discussed building a life together and *then* he told her he was non-monogamous. Sure, she has agency. Everyone does. But this was manipulative because at that point she had already emotionally committed to him, plus she was very open with him that she had always assumed that because of her weight, she would never be loved by someone else or get married. He kept critical info from her about himself and the kind of future they could have together until he felt confident that she'd be really reluctant to give up a relationship (knowing she did not believe she would have many, or any, other chances at marriage or kids).

And then, even worse, he got into another relationship while married to her, without telling her. To any normal person, this is cheating. But he then claims she "technically agreed" to an open marriage since she knew he was non-monogamous when they got married. But he also knew she was NOT non-monogamous (apologies for the double negatives) and that she'd very much want to know that he was going to do that before he did it. He did it anyway. And then she only found out because a 3rd party told her, and then she had to decide whether to accept this other relationship she'd never consented to, or divorce him, again with him knowing Lindy does not believe she will ever find someone else willing to love or marry her again.

Ignoring those factors ignores all the substance of the situation.

There's other red flags too. He raised the non monogamy situation after they got back together after her Dad died:

" So we briefly broke up in 2011. It was a bad time. My dad died. It was horrible — a tree fell on my house. Then we got back together. But part of that was Aham was like, “I’ve been divorced twice by age 27, and I feel like possessiveness and jealousy had a lot to do with both of those relationships collapsing. I don’t think that monogamy is healthy for me.”"

West also again starts off by talking about her fear of being unlovable in a "fat body" and then refers to the other woman as "tiny". It's clear she has a lot of mental issues with her weight.

This is just so messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew he had been divorced twice. She knew he was polyamorous and she chose him. She had agency, she got to decide what she wanted and she decided that she wanted someone who was twice divorced at a young age and into polyamory.

She made a competent choice as an adult. He he was was who she wanted. Now she is again doing what she wants as a competent adult with agency over her own life.

Yes to the divorces, not to the polyamory.

She didn't know he was polyamorous until they were basically on the brink of getting married. Like they'd already discussed building a life together and *then* he told her he was non-monogamous. Sure, she has agency. Everyone does. But this was manipulative because at that point she had already emotionally committed to him, plus she was very open with him that she had always assumed that because of her weight, she would never be loved by someone else or get married. He kept critical info from her about himself and the kind of future they could have together until he felt confident that she'd be really reluctant to give up a relationship (knowing she did not believe she would have many, or any, other chances at marriage or kids).

And then, even worse, he got into another relationship while married to her, without telling her. To any normal person, this is cheating. But he then claims she "technically agreed" to an open marriage since she knew he was non-monogamous when they got married. But he also knew she was NOT non-monogamous (apologies for the double negatives) and that she'd very much want to know that he was going to do that before he did it. He did it anyway. And then she only found out because a 3rd party told her, and then she had to decide whether to accept this other relationship she'd never consented to, or divorce him, again with him knowing Lindy does not believe she will ever find someone else willing to love or marry her again.

Ignoring those factors ignores all the substance of the situation.

According to her own timeline, he told her in 2011 and they got married in 2015. Being a woman doesn't make her stupid or incapable of deciding what she wants for her own life or being unable to assess her own situation or the man she is with. Lots of men and women make choices that others think are exceedingly bad choices but they get to make them and then they need to own them and deal with the consequences. Women are not passengers in their own lives and making it seem like they are just whisps of string pulled around by men as women have zero agency, control, decision making, problem solving, awareness or competence as they are helpless beings in the presence of a man is pretty misogynistic. Both men and women make choices that have pros and cons. Women have functional brains and get to decide how their own lives will go and this is the life she has chosen. She knew he was polyamous years before she married him, if what he did was cheating in her mind, she could have walked away. She didn't.

[Anonymous]

She didn't because she has no self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew he had been divorced twice. She knew he was polyamorous and she chose him. She had agency, she got to decide what she wanted and she decided that she wanted someone who was twice divorced at a young age and into polyamory.

She made a competent choice as an adult. He he was was who she wanted. Now she is again doing what she wants as a competent adult with agency over her own life.

Yes to the divorces, not to the polyamory.

She didn't know he was polyamorous until they were basically on the brink of getting married. Like they'd already discussed building a life together and *then* he told her he was non-monogamous. Sure, she has agency. Everyone does. But this was manipulative because at that point she had already emotionally committed to him, plus she was very open with him that she had always assumed that because of her weight, she would never be loved by someone else or get married. He kept critical info from her about himself and the kind of future they could have together until he felt confident that she'd be really reluctant to give up a relationship (knowing she did not believe she would have many, or any, other chances at marriage or kids).

And then, even worse, he got into another relationship while married to her, without telling her. To any normal person, this is cheating. But he then claims she "technically agreed" to an open marriage since she knew he was non-monogamous when they got married. But he also knew she was NOT non-monogamous (apologies for the double negatives) and that she'd very much want to know that he was going to do that before he did it. He did it anyway. And then she only found out because a 3rd party told her, and then she had to decide whether to accept this other relationship she'd never consented to, or divorce him, again with him knowing Lindy does not believe she will ever find someone else willing to love or marry her again.

Ignoring those factors ignores all the substance of the situation.

According to her own timeline, he told her in 2011 and they got married in 2015. Being a woman doesn't make her stupid or incapable of deciding what she wants for her own life or being unable to assess her own situation or the man she is with. Lots of men and women make choices that others think are exceedingly bad choices but they get to make them and then they need to own them and deal with the consequences. Women are not passengers in their own lives and making it seem like they are just whisps of string pulled around by men as women have zero agency, control, decision making, problem solving, awareness or competence as they are helpless beings in the presence of a man is pretty misogynistic. Both men and women make choices that have pros and cons. Women have functional brains and get to decide how their own lives will go and this is the life she has chosen. She knew he was polyamous years before she married him, if what he did was cheating in her mind, she could have walked away. She didn't.

All of what you are saying is true, but women can still make bad decisions!

[Anonymous]

She wrote this to convince herself, not us. Since she wants a relationship more than self respect, she chose to make this public to make it harder for herself to leave during the probably very frequent times she is doubting this.

[Anonymous]

I like how when Lindy's father died, he broke up with her, but when his side chick's friend dies, he flies across the country to be with her. I think Lindy is funding both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read the NYT piece and yeah - red flag city. She seemed to be clearly ignoring her instincts + not really thinking about the future.

That said, especially since there are no kids involved, then these three adults can feel free to experiment and see what happens. It is not hurting anyone except potentially themselves.

NP. Her husband had kids when this started.

[Anonymous]

Even AI knows this is messed up and manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wrote this to convince herself, not us. Since she wants a relationship more than self respect, she chose to make this public to make it harder for herself to leave during the probably very frequent times she is doubting this.

Or she's writing about it because she writes personal essays for a living.

[Anonymous]

I hope she can at least monetize this into another show, then use the cash to DTMFA

[Anonymous]

If you have ever had a friend with incredibly low self esteem you already know this behavior is typical. Better to be in a crap relationship than to be alone in their mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope she can at least monetize this into another show, then use the cash to DTMFA

You mean after he has taken half of the money in the divorce?