Modern Love: Lindy West and polyamory

[Anonymous]

Q: How can you tell if someone is poly?

A: No worries. They'll tell you alllll about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird people find weird people. I don't know how her husband could attract one person, let alone multiple at the same time.

So true. I don't envy these people.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why so much of the cultural well is this polluted. Why does a prestige organization like the NYT, and not just this instance or only this publication, platform misfits all the time? The socially maladapted, the bizarre, the circus freaks are presented as if they are aspirational, inspirational, and genteel.

This poor woman’s whole story is painful and evocative of pity. The polite thing to do would be to look away, not parade her around. The circus is cruel but at least it never presented itself as something better than it is.

[Anonymous]

Here's a gift link.

https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/04/podcasts/lindy-west-polyamory-marriage.html?unlocked_article_code=1.R1A.8Gu9.onGzptjJLzgX&smid=nytcore-ios-share

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read the NYT piece and yeah - red flag city. She seemed to be clearly ignoring her instincts + not really thinking about the future.

That said, especially since there are no kids involved, then these three adults can feel free to experiment and see what happens. It is not hurting anyone except potentially themselves.

Agree on the kids, disagree it's not hurting anyone. As a longtime reader of West's writing, I actually find this piece so weird and potentially have negative impacts on her fan base.

A lot of women follow West specifically because they struggle with a lot of the same issues around self and social acceptance. Whether it's for weight or other reasons, her writing has long explored this idea of how women can value themselves even when other people, or society at large, is telling them they shouldn't.

I find this so disappointing because it really just feels her husband is using Lindy's struggles with self worth against her to convince her to accept a relationship that isn't what she wanted. For readers who have sometimes turned to her writing to work on their own empowerment and sense of self worth, it's confusing and almost embarrassing.

Hard dislike.

That’s a good point!

[Anonymous]

Oh, this is red flag city. She has so much self-blame for what amounts to him committing infidelity:

"2019, I find out that someone who knew what Aham looked like had seen him kissing someone at a bar. I went home, and we talked for the rest of the night, and at this point he had sort of come to the conclusion that we couldn’t resolve this, which is why he went ahead and started dating this person. Because I had been gone. I had refused to talk to him about it. And I had technically agreed to be non-monogamous."

[Anonymous]

She basically announced her hate for herself to the whole world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why so much of the cultural well is this polluted. Why does a prestige organization like the NYT, and not just this instance or only this publication, platform misfits all the time? The socially maladapted, the bizarre, the circus freaks are presented as if they are aspirational, inspirational, and genteel.

This poor woman’s whole story is painful and evocative of pity. The polite thing to do would be to look away, not parade her around. The circus is cruel but at least it never presented itself as something better than it is.

She's a 44-year-old writer with multiple essay collections, including one that got turned into a Netflix show. This is what she does for a living. Publishing a personal essay is not an endorsement of the perspective being presented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why so much of the cultural well is this polluted. Why does a prestige organization like the NYT, and not just this instance or only this publication, platform misfits all the time? The socially maladapted, the bizarre, the circus freaks are presented as if they are aspirational, inspirational, and genteel.

This poor woman’s whole story is painful and evocative of pity. The polite thing to do would be to look away, not parade her around. The circus is cruel but at least it never presented itself as something better than it is.

It’s the man biting the dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just made me sad for her. She gave up on what she wanted (a "classic" marriage) for some dude who was divorced multiple times by his mid-twenties.

Girl, being single isn't that bad.

+1
Stop settling, ladies.

+100

I would never accept that but I wouldn't have been dumb enough to marry someone who wanted that in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just made me sad for her. She gave up on what she wanted (a "classic" marriage) for some dude who was divorced multiple times by his mid-twenties.

Girl, being single isn't that bad.

OP here. Yes, I'm really feeling for Lindy and it makes me sad that someone who has inspired me previously with her writing could have been strong-armed into this situation and then gaslit into believing it's actually good for her.

There's especially this tone to the whole thing like this was all about Lindy learning lessons about relationships, jealousy, and possessiveness. Like she was stupid before, believing that you can have a healthy relationship where a man could be faithful to only her, but now she's been enlightened and understands that it was selfish for her to ever believe that.

Look, women get sold a lot of BS about fairy tales and happily ever after. I'm 10 years married and I don't hold a lot of illusions about monogamy being some perfect paradise. But this idea that a woman would need to be *educated* into thinking that what she wants out of a relationship and a marriage is wrong, and that actually what is "good for her" is the kind of relationships that she explicitly didn't want? ICK. Just no.

Why waste your time? She knew what she was getting into.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read it but from what you all have said it's a continuation on a theme...there was that woman who wrote about her open marriage recently. The book came out two years ago. Her dh basically forced her into an open marriage and then she wrote a book about her misadventures. It just sounds so messy. I know polyamory is different to "ENM" but they would both be nos from me. No thank you! I'll stick with one partner at a time. Which is enough work. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why so much of the cultural well is this polluted. Why does a prestige organization like the NYT, and not just this instance or only this publication, platform misfits all the time? The socially maladapted, the bizarre, the circus freaks are presented as if they are aspirational, inspirational, and genteel.

This poor woman’s whole story is painful and evocative of pity. The polite thing to do would be to look away, not parade her around. The circus is cruel but at least it never presented itself as something better than it is.

She's a 44-year-old writer with multiple essay collections, including one that got turned into a Netflix show. This is what she does for a living. Publishing a personal essay is not an endorsement of the perspective being presented.

Her being 44 and also having a Netflix show based on essays based on her life makes this all even more embarassing!!!

Hopefully it’s all just clickbait to pay the bills and she actually lives a happy, high self-esteemed life in private. Which would still make it gross to platform this kind of dysfunction, but at least she wouldn’t seem so personally tragic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A throuple isn't a couple, sooner or later one person is feeling alone and exploited.

That's not true. I'm sure there's at least one secure, happy, throuple.

But I'd bet that you're accurate most of the time, and also that when a throuple starts by one member of a couple reducing a spouse to tears, the odds for success aren't good.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what happens when the manic pixie dream girlfriend gets pregnant. Or gets tired of being outside the marriage and being ineligible for insurance, tax benefits, and all the other stuff. Or finds someone else she wants to date.