Reply to 26-Year-Old Sister-in-Law Acts Like a Child and Relies on Us for Everything

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[quote=Anonymous]My sister-in-law (26) has been living with us for a few months now, and I’m honestly losing my patience. She has no independence at all and doesn’t seem to know anything about the real world. She’s never worked, never learned how to cook or clean, or even do basic things like laundry. It’s like she has no interest in doing any of these things, even though she’s fully capable. Shes never driven a car before and doesn’t even have a permit. She’s completely dependent on others, and it’s honestly exhausting.

What really gets to me is how little she actually knows or does on her own. She doesn’t know anything about basic adult responsibilities—like rent, utilities, what to buy at the store, or how to take care of herself. She doesn’t care to learn about anything related to the “real world” and seems perfectly content to just have other people handle everything. She’s never had to think about budgeting, figuring out how to live, or even managing her own time. She wouldn’t know what to do if she had to live alone or get a job.

She expects others to solve all her problems. If anything goes wrong, she comes straight to me or my husband asking, “What do I do?” instead of trying herself, even with simple things like deciding what to wear, what to eat, or making herself a cup of coffee. She won’t make plans, look for a job, or manage her own schedule unless someone pushes her. She has zero initiative. When she doesn’t get her way, she sulks, gives the silent treatment, or acts passive-aggressive. It’s really draining, and no amount of encouraging her to try on her own seems to work.

Her daily life is mostly the same every day: she wakes up, asks what I made for breakfast, spends hours on her phone, talks to her siblings, takes a nap, plays with the kids, and asks for dinner. Most days she’s at home, and if she needs to go anywhere, I’m usually the one who ends up taking her. She doesn’t go anywhere by herself—she won’t even walk a few blocks alone, and can't handle basic errands on her own.

She wouldn’t know what to do in an emergency, like if she lost her keys, or had a minor accident. She’d just stand there waiting for someone else to fix it.
She can’t handle basic household tasks—like setting the table, cleaning her own space, or dealing with minor issues around the house. I constantly find myself cleaning up after her. Her room is always a mess, and if I ask her to tidy up, she acts like it’s not her problem. Last week, I asked her to help set the table for dinner, and she didn’t even know where to start with the plates, utensils, or napkins. It took me way longer to get everything ready because she couldn’t make basic decisions on her own.

And then there’s packing a bag—another simple thing that becomes a huge ordeal. When she needed to visit her sisters. I asked her to pack a bag. She sat there for ages, saying she didn’t know what outfit to wear or how to fold the clothes into the suitcase. I ended up doing everything, and she still insisted I drive her there, even though it’s only ten minutes away. It’s like every task is a major hurdle.

She also gets upset over small things that wouldn’t bother most people. The other day, I mentioned I was going to take the kids out before dinner, and she got mad at me for “ignoring her.” I was busy with the kids and getting dinner ready—of course I wasn’t ignoring her! But she sulked and avoided talking to me for hours over something so minor. Another time, she got really upset because we left her “bored and hungry” one evening. We were both at work and our kids were elsewhere. We ordered her favorite food for her, but she didn’t eat it because she refused to open the door and grab it, because she was alone. Well, she called me and said she was hungry, well, eat something else is what I told her.

Before moving in with us, she lived with my parents-in-law, but she’d get upset with them over small things and refuse to talk to them because they “did something to make her mad.” Then she’d come to us asking if she could stay with us, and once she did, she got comfortable and decided she never wanted to go back. Now, she doesn't want to live anywhere else. She’s from a huge family (9 kids) and is the youngest, so she’s always had someone doing things for her. Even when she went to college, there was always someone there taking care of things for her, so she doesn’t even try.

She’s not social and doesn’t care for being around people or doing the usual social things. She’s perfectly fine staying at home forever if she could, but doesn’t like when we take trips without her because she doesn’t like being alone multiple nights. She doesn’t have any real friends—she had some acquaintances in college and prior, but those were more connected to her best friend that she’s had since she was 8, they talk every couple months. She does have a boyfriend she’s been dating for six months, but beyond that, she doesn’t engage socially or independently.

Despite not helping around the house, she’s actually good with self-care. She doesn’t care about cosmetics or trends, but she loves skincare and spends a lot of time focusing on that. So, while she’s content with her own routine, there’s no sense of independence or growth, and it feels like we’re stuck in this loop.
I’m a little frustrated because I know she’s a sweet girl, and I know she’s capable. She could absolutely live a full, independent life if she wanted to. But I can’t keep doing everything for her, and I’m not sure how to break this cycle. I’ve tried to encourage her to be more independent, but every time I bring it up, she sulks. Is it even worth trying to change her? No incentives seem to work, so I don’t know whether to just let it go. [/quote]

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