What is the best response I can make to this massive setback?

[Anonymous]

I’m really spinning my wheels and struggling as I am at a cross point in my life. I’m a year away from turning 40 and the past decade of being a thirty something has been…kind of one long nightmare where nothing I had worked towards or hopes for worked out.

-my primary goal was to marry the love of my life and build a beautiful marriage and family life with 2 kids.

- home ownership and financial stability. Work hard and set down roots in a nice house where our kids will grow up and where we will have family gatherings.

- career that is lucrative and I like what I do and I’m competent in my field.

The man I married ended up having pretty severe Peter Pan syndrome coupled with some mental health issues along with alcoholism as a way of self soothing. He did not have a professional career and put all family goals on hold so he could figure out his life. By the time we TTC I had pretty bad fertility issues and needed IVF. He started cheating on me while I was doing IVF and then walked out. This was 3 years ago.

I walked away from my marriage with half of my retirement and received nothing from him as he has no assets. At least he didn’t ask for alimony!

So here I am a year from 40, my youth and fertility behind me with nothing to show for it.

As if this isn’t bad enough, my sister whom I was pretty close to and who is only 4 years younger than me…has had the traditional picture perfect 30s.

She married the love of her life in a beautiful wedding.

She is happily married and got pregnant at first try and gave birth to the most beautiful baby!

She is pregnant again and they moved into a nice 1.5 million house in a coveted zip code.

In addition to having doting husband and children she is quite good at her work and is doing okay professionally!

It’s so hard and painful to see her succeed at everything I wanted and failed miserably at. I don’t want to constantly be in her shadow and constantly resent her. What can I do to chart a new path for myself so that I can actually love my life and myself and not just feel like I’m the failure and she got to live the life I wanted!

[Anonymous]

First, I'm sorry. Second, don't compare yourself.
Just keep working on yourself and doing what makes you happy.
You are not a failure, your life has just taken a different path so far. FWIW, my sister just got divorced, no kids and while it was crushing at first is now living her best life. Made tons of women friends that she travels with and hangs out with, is set to retire in 10 years as she doesn't have to pay for kids and doesn't need to maintain a big house for them.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to decide whether to embrace the life you have or go after your old goals.

So either buy a great 1 BR condo, travel, etc and live a great life.

Or become a SMBC and live a great life.

Just don’t stay where you are - wishing you had something different and blaming the past without DOING something. Make a choice and make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

You picked poorly. Now it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Stop looking at your sister

She was not put on this planet to be your yardstick. You have had setbacks, yes

Talk to someone about making the rest of your life a good one for yourself. You have time now you will have regretted wasting

- mid 50s with several diagnoses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You picked poorly. Now it’s too late.

Gee thanks for stating the obvious. Really helpful!

[Anonymous]

Pursue whatyou want! You are not even 40!!! Even if you were 40, that is an arbitrary number. You are still young enough to get what you want. Pursue your interests. Join activities with like minded people. What do you like to do for fun? Sports? Concerts? Mah Jong? Find good friends and build support group for yourself. Go after your career goals. Adopt a child if you desire that. Try to Meet a good man who is on the straight and narrow.

[Anonymous]

My friend with her top law degree ended up adopting two kids.

She bought the dream house.

Then her husband cheated. Egregiously so. As in invite your mistress to dinner with your wife who doesn't know egregious.

It all blew up except of course she's still a mom.

My advice to you is to start saving for a new life as a single mom. Or at least for a home. Be more flexible about what kind of home is fun to live in.

See if you can get involved in a mentoring activity.

Working towards one goal you want and achieving it will be better than anything else you can do for yourself.

If your parents can help, ask them. They might be able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You picked poorly. Now it’s too late.

It’s not too late for anything- new career path, new friends, new trio, new city, have a baby SMBC, new hobbies, now work out body, new romantic relationships, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You picked poorly. Now it’s too late.

It’s not too late for anything- new career path, new friends, new trio, new city, have a baby SMBC, new hobbies, now work out body, new romantic relationships, etc.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

First of all, I’m sorry OP. That is a lot to go through. Second (and I know this is easier said than done, and I’d feel similarly if I were in your shoes), remember that comparison is the thief of joy and peoples’ lives are rarely what they seem.

You mention three main areas above that are goals you’d like to achieve. I’d look at what is stopping you from achieving them and break them down into small, manageable steps/things you can commit to doing. For example: you talk about being interested in buying a home. Maybe you can start doing research or going to open houses to get a sense of what areas or types of homes you like and what your price range is, then develop a plan to save money for a down payment: working a weekend shift somewhere; maybe moving in with a roommate for a year to aggressively save. As for the dating, you could commit to going on one online date a week, or joining a social group that attracts a lot of singles and attending regularly.

It is never too late for anything and the more you love yourself and your own life, the more you will attract other like minded people. Good luck OP!!

[Anonymous]

Foster and adopt. Not saying it is easy, but it is the most cost-effective method at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Foster and adopt. Not saying it is easy, but it is the most cost-effective method at this point.

If you already did ivf do you have embryos? That would be better if you don't mind who the sperm donor is and it doesn't entangle you with your ex. Fostering is usually with the goal of reunification with bio family. Kids who are available for straight adoption are likely to have behavioral issues and be older and/or disabled. You are probably not going to get a healthy baby to keep any time soon, and if you did it would be from a parent with serious mental health or addiction issues that could surface as your kid grows up. Fostering and adoption are great and important but not for someone who is trying to manifest her ideal life.

[Anonymous]

Your envy is ugly. You need to stop comparing, and you aren't going to do that without therapy.

[Anonymous]

YOU didn’t fail. Stop looking in the rear view mirror. Don’t look at what you don’t have but look at what you do have. There’s nothing better than a success story. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and put one foot in front of the other. You can make it!