What is the best response I can make to this massive setback?

[Anonymous]

What is the saying? Comparison is the thief of joy? I know it can be hard, but please don't compare yourself to your sister and resent her...she is just living her life, like you. And frankly lives can drastically change at any minute for any of us. If you're having trouble, talking through stuff with a therapist may help. As for kids, I have two friends who became SMBC at 40 and 42. I would not say it was easy for either of them but they both are great moms. I had my kid at 40, my H and I had been together since college. We didn't want to have kids in our 20s and then in our 30s life got in the way, so that's how it worked out. One could say if we started earlier we could've had more, but I decided to be happy with my only and things are pretty great right now. I'm sorry you are feeling low right now, it is also the end of winter which can pummel anyone's mental health and outlook. Spring flowers and warmth will be here soon.

[Anonymous]

You need to find a new wealthy husband.

[Anonymous]

You are in the same position as many, many men. Maybe see how they resolved it.

[Anonymous]

OP, get a good therapist to help you sort out the difference between what you really want and what you have been societally conditioned to want. If what really matters to you is being a mother, there are many of us here who had kids at 49+ and plenty of us who have only one child, plus there are many different paths to parenthood. Think of career and money as means to an end unless you are the type who really lives for it. Focus on what really matters to you.

[Anonymous]

We all have to accept reality. This is your path. Nobody 100% likes their own. What I'd do is figure out what you want for your 40s and make a plan to accomplish it. You have so much life left to live! Try looking for inspirational stories of women accomplishing things in midlife or listen to some midlife podcasts. Hang in there OP!

[Anonymous]

I echo what others have said about not comparing yourself to your sister. That said, everyone, including your sister, has problems. I wish nothing bad for her, but this idea you have that she’s got a perfect life can’t possibly match reality.

As for you, nothing is lost! You’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

It looks nice on Facebook but marriage and children is waaayy over rated op. I know it's easy for me to say cause I had it. But now my kids are grown and I've been divorced a long time. I love my kids and I also realize that looked at purely selfishly I would have been better off not having kids. The price is high. In health, in wealth, in mental too... And you make the choice without a full understanding of what you are really getting into. And your perfect husband could always cheat and leave you with the kids halfway through.
You have something a lot of people want which is FREEDOM. What would you do with your life if you had NO FEAR? Go be a missionary? Become a surfer in Hawaii? Go live off grid in a forest? Learn French and become a tour guide in Paris? Become a world class chef?

In a few years your sister will be jealously looking at you with you "full nights sleep" and "sex with whoever you want" or maybe you're more of a "vacation whenever you want" type but the grass is always, always greener.

[Anonymous]

First as others have said have to stop comparing yourself to your sister. You can have a great life without kids. You can be an awesome aunt.

Do you like to travel? What are some future goals you have? You're still young. Stop looking backwards.

[Anonymous]

Envy is wasting your energy and holding your back. See what you really prioritize and work towards it. If you really want kids then take the steps to be a single mom. Did you get your embryos in the divorce settlement? If not use donor and keep pursuing ivf asap. You do seem caught up in keeping w/ the joneses, so perhaps your prioritize having a nice house over kids? If so, then jump into the dating game and look for an older divorced person w/ money.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say—you’ve been through so much, and it’s completely okay to feel lost and hurt. Leaving a marriage full of betrayal and heartbreak doesn’t make you a failure—it makes you brave. Comparing yourself to your sister is natural, but her life doesn’t take away from yours or the life you can still build. You still have time, choices, and so much of yourself to offer. Take space to grieve, take care of yourself, and trust that your next chapter can be full of joy and meaning—even if it looks different from what you imagined. You deserve that.

[Anonymous]

OP I used to feel exactly like you are feeling now…..
I used to compare my life to others & I felt like I always came up short. 😔

Comparison is definitely the thief of joy.

What I have learned over the years is first ➕ foremost, no one has a perfect life.
Or even close to it.
I don’t care who you are - - we ALL have our own crosses to bear.
Excluding no one.

Blessings come in many different forms……
You have your own unique blessings that others may envy.
Maybe even your sister too!

Perhaps she envies you your excellent health or even your independence.

Try to look at your life overall > appreciate that things could always be much much worse.
At least half your income is not going to your ex-husband!

Looking ahead, have you considered possibly adopting?

[Anonymous]

I believe you’ve posted this before?

I’m sorry. It’s never easy to walk away and start over.

[Anonymous]

How old are your sister's kids? If they are still young and you went the solo lady/will travel style life, she will be insanely jealous of you in 2-4 years.

40 is young; everyone thinks you're set on this path you picked in your 20s or early 30s, but 40 is not too late to change your life.

I had the perfect life until my ex husband blew it up. I would thank your lucky stars you didn't have kids with him. Now you can have them alone and don't have to have their and your future tied down and dictated by someone else.

Now that most of my friends are 15-20 years into marriage, I do not have a single friend who doesn't struggle in some aspect in their marriage. A lot of them have the checkboxes - amazing house, amazing vacations, 2-3 kids, one or two great jobs. But most of them would change it if they could. When I saw that, I realized the only thing I could do was embrace where I was and try to make joy in it. There is so much we can't control and so little we can. Focus on the little.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for the kind words and wisdom shared.

I had always always wanted to be a wife and mother. I married the first man I loved in my late twenties and stuck to the marriage to various heartbreaks because I believed marriage was for life and it was for better or worse. I deeply regret it now that I’m dating and meeting wonderful men who are better in every aspect than my psychopath mentally ill husband who dragged me through the coals in the name of marriage and robbed me of my youth and fertility.

I’ve been working with therapists first, to survive as I stayed in my marriage and then to figure out an exit plan while grieving motherhood and the family life I so wanted to build in my thirties. It took a lot out of me to leave. But here I am.

Now I’m working on trying to come up with a plan B while I’m still pursuing a do-over of Plan A.

Dating has been really illuminating and there are wonderful men out there. I hope to meet one and get married and have a child.

Meanwhile I’m also attempting to lean into my career so I can make more money and at least have some financial stability for myself.

The thing is I don’t know what a plan b looks like. I’d like to build a community of friends with whom to have meaningful relationships and conversations and adventures. I run a local successful book club. I love cooking and hosting and want to start a supper club as well.

I just hope it works out for me and that I don’t live in the shadow of my sisters successful and beautiful suburban dream life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the kind words and wisdom shared.

I had always always wanted to be a wife and mother. I married the first man I loved in my late twenties and stuck to the marriage to various heartbreaks because I believed marriage was for life and it was for better or worse. I deeply regret it now that I’m dating and meeting wonderful men who are better in every aspect than my psychopath mentally ill husband who dragged me through the coals in the name of marriage and robbed me of my youth and fertility.

I’ve been working with therapists first, to survive as I stayed in my marriage and then to figure out an exit plan while grieving motherhood and the family life I so wanted to build in my thirties. It took a lot out of me to leave. But here I am.

Now I’m working on trying to come up with a plan B while I’m still pursuing a do-over of Plan A.

Dating has been really illuminating and there are wonderful men out there. I hope to meet one and get married and have a child.

Meanwhile I’m also attempting to lean into my career so I can make more money and at least have some financial stability for myself.

The thing is I don’t know what a plan b looks like. I’d like to build a community of friends with whom to have meaningful relationships and conversations and adventures. I run a local successful book club. I love cooking and hosting and want to start a supper club as well.

I just hope it works out for me and that I don’t live in the shadow of my sisters successful and beautiful suburban dream life.

OP: give yourself some grace! It sounds like you are doing much better than you think.