What is the best response I can make to this massive setback?

[Anonymous]

I’ve had some real setbacks too. It’s been really hard to stay positive at times, but I focus on how I’m in charge of my life. Bad things have happened to me but I got myself out of them. And that’s very empowering.

[Anonymous]

You need to get out of the mindset that these things just happened to you. You need to take accountability for the red flags you missed and for not having the self-esteem to make better choices. I say that as someone who married someone aflame with red flags who ended up in an abusive marriage. I got divorced and could feel myself falling down the hole of self-despair and why do this happen to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a new wealthy husband.

She made the mistake once of thinking a man was a plan.

[Anonymous]

It is great that you sought therapy, and that it helped you escape an unhealthy relationship.

I think you need your dream to mature. It sounds like the voice of a little girl, who envisioned a problem free adulthood. No child with autism, no loveless marriage , no bankruptcy or job that you keep just because it pays the bills. I hope that as you start dating, you are not still over-romanticizing real life.

Your sister made different choices, but does not have a perfect life. You have to let go thinking that exists. (And maybe examine why your version of love begrudges her joy/success?)

Look at YOUR options , understand that no white knight is going to fix your future. Just continue therapy. Appreciate that you and those you love are healthy. You have career options. You are not chained to someone who is mentally ill man by virtue of having had children with him.

You have a very bright future ahead of you if you can readjust your mindset.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately at your age most of the attractive, normal, stable men are married. I would look at men 50+, ones who have only adult children, have retired from their first career and are starting second ones, and who hold at least one Master's Degree. I would also be looking for men that own no less than a town home or single family home here. No rentals or apartment dwellers. Obviously no men with roommates.

[Anonymous]

Instead of focusing on the past and things you lost that you can't get back, focus on what opportunities are still available to you right now.

You have the opportunity to life your life happily without being trapped in a miserable or loveless marriage. You can still meet someone else if and when you are ready.

You have the opportunity make decisions about your career without having dependents to hold you back.

You have the opportunity to be an awesome sister and aunt, and to be a beloved member of a close-knit family.

Remind yourself that if you continue to let yourself live in the past, saddled with resentment or jealousy, you risk losing all 3 of these opportunities, especially the last one.

[Anonymous]

Be glad you don't have some big illness like cancer and move forward.

[Anonymous]

Run your own race.

[Anonymous]

Still time for baby, use your time wisely.

[Anonymous]

You need to get therapy to figure out why you pick loser men consistently yet your sister did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get out of the mindset that these things just happened to you. You need to take accountability for the red flags you missed and for not having the self-esteem to make better choices. I say that as someone who married someone aflame with red flags who ended up in an abusive marriage. I got divorced and could feel myself falling down the hole of self-despair and why do this happen to me.

DP.

But don’t you have any sympathy for the OP? Can’t you see this is not her fault?

[Anonymous]

You've said twice that you live in your sister's shadow but that's not true. Her life has nothing to do with yours: she would have what she has (or doesn't have) independent of what is going on with you. Her joy does not take anything away from you.

There is a difference between wanting what she has (aspirational / regretful) and feeling she's "winning" or showing you up. If you're doing the latter, you need to fix that because it will make you both miserable and prevent you from seeing your path.

[Anonymous]

Your life has been good compared to many. Compare yourself to them.
Lots of us didn't get what you are naming here- loving husband, house, kids, career.
Try to think of positive things. By the way, 40 is still young. You have a decade to get to a good place. 50s brings the body aches.

[Anonymous]

Write down what your goals are and start making moves to get there, even small ones. Easier said than done, I know. But just lamenting over your situation won’t either.

Accept that life isn’t fair and that’s how it goes. Your sister’s life is her own. The only thing to compare is to see if there are things she did that you could learn from? (Eg, drop a red flag guy, get new skills for a job etc) But some people just do seem to have good luck. In either case, that’s her path, no need to compare.

Do you want children? Then think about freezing your eggs or adopting as a single mom. Which would make you more unhappy in 10 years - not having kids or having to raise them as a single mother?

No wrong answers at all but think about how you can set your life up for the future, given where you are now. You still have many exciting years ahead of you. Take control of what you can.

Again, all of this is hard to do. But what other option do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get out of the mindset that these things just happened to you. You need to take accountability for the red flags you missed and for not having the self-esteem to make better choices. I say that as someone who married someone aflame with red flags who ended up in an abusive marriage. I got divorced and could feel myself falling down the hole of self-despair and why do this happen to me.

DP.

But don’t you have any sympathy for the OP? Can’t you see this is not her fault?

NP. If you’ve read her previous posts, you know she stayed way too long after the writing was on the wall. She made choices that she now regrets, but continues to say her ex robbed her of her youth and fertility.