Inlaw wedding- would this bother you?

[Anonymous]

My BIL is getting married in St. Lucia in April at a resort that doesn't allow children. My husband and I have talked about the high cost of going to the wedding and traveling with our son who will be almost 2 years. He discussed it with his parents and they said that it was expected that he go(since it is his only sibling), but that they would understand it if baby and I stayed home. FIL came over yesterday and pretty much stated that I shouldn't go due to him not wanting to take the chance of our toddler getting sick. I am feeling weird about DH going to St. Lucia without us, and also inlaws keep saying I shouldn't feel bad about not going, but I keep feeling like shouldn't anyone else feel bad that I am being excluded again from family functions and being the one to stay home while all of them get together. I can't decide if I am just being sensitive, because of the money issue and the exclusion. We still have the option of going as a family and staying at a different resort, but with the pressure from FIL about exposing the baby to sickness risk I am not sure how I feel.

[Anonymous]

We went to St. Lucia for our honeymoon and it was great. The place we stayed (in Rodney Bay) had a lot of different resorts all very close together. If you were to go and stay in a different resort, it is likely that you could get to their adults only place very easily. Would your child be permitted to come to the wedding if you were staying somewhere else, or would you have to stay with your child at your kid-friendly hotel while your husband went to the wedding? If it's the former, I think it would probably be fun to go (I would not be concerned about the sickness issue myself), but if it's the latter, it has the potential to be stressful and expensive and I would probably save the airfare and take a nice family vacation somewhere else later on.

[Anonymous]

I do think your husband should go to the wedding of his only sibling, but it seems like there are some options.

1) Why does everyone think a 2 y.o. will get sick in St. Lucia? That wouldn't even be a concern to me. If you don't want to be left behind then it seems the obvious option is to go and stay at a family-friendly resort.

2) Do you not have anyone else who can watch your son so that the two of you can get away alone for a few days?

3) If none of those would work, then you should suck it up and stay home alone. I don't blame you for being bummed about that, and I do think people should be a little more sensitive to the position this puts you in. But sometimes you just have to travel separately in these cases. Plus it will be alot cheaper than everyone going.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your FIL is being pretty passive aggresive, telling you you shouldn't go because your son could get sick. Basically making you feel like a bad mother for going. That's ridiculous, kids travel to resorts like that all the time, it's perfectly safe.

What does your husband think? It's his family, seems like he should take some kind of a stand here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think your husband should go to the wedding of his only sibling, but it seems like there are some options.

1) Why does everyone think a 2 y.o. will get sick in St. Lucia? That wouldn't even be a concern to me. If you don't want to be left behind then it seems the obvious option is to go and stay at a family-friendly resort.

2) Do you not have anyone else who can watch your son so that the two of you can get away alone for a few days?

3) If none of those would work, then you should suck it up and stay home alone. I don't blame you for being bummed about that, and I do think people should be a little more sensitive to the position this puts you in. But sometimes you just have to travel separately in these cases. Plus it will be alot cheaper than everyone going.

I also wondered about why it seems to be such a concern that your child would get sick in St. Lucia? St. Lucia is a perfectly lovely island with clean water and no health dangers.
My advice: Take the baby. Stay in a different resort from your family and ask the resort to help you hire a nanny for the night of the wedding - go to the party with your husband and have fun! We've found sitters this way in Hawaii, Florida, NYC, NJ, California...sometimes you need a sitter if you're going to travel with your kids. The resort will help you find someone great - they're usually through an agency that is licensed, bonded, etc. You can even have the sitter come a day early int he afternoon or something so you can get to know her before the day of the wedding. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

"Why does everyone think a 2 y.o. will get sick in St. Lucia? That wouldn't even be a concern to me. If you don't want to be left behind then it seems the obvious option is to go and stay at a family-friendly resort. "

Ditto. OP's post is kinda weird.

[Anonymous]

Wow - I am the first to chime in with "your being over sensitive" but it sort of sounds like you are being excluded.

Destination weddings are fine but not sure why your BIL wouldn't want his husband's WIFE to come. That wouldn't fly in my family. It's one thing if you decide the expense and trouble with a toddler is too much, but to have that decided for you, sucks.

[Anonymous]

I would feel excluded and hurt, honestly. My husband would never go to a family celebration by himself either, he would rather stay home with us, or have us all go. But we come from a culture that welcomes children at weddings, so we do not really understand the whole adults-only thing.

Are other families going and could you get together with little cousins etc outside of the wedding venue?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are being too sensitive at all. I can't imagine planning my wedding in a place where I know it will be difficult and expensive for people to attend and not even taking into consideration the fact that my niece or nephew couldn't stay at the same resort. But, this is not the first time that a bride and groom have shown total disregard for people attending the wedding.

I agree with the PP--you need to figure out if you could bring your child to the wedding even if you stayed at another resort. If not, I wouldn't bring him. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child with a strange babysitter on an island where I know no one. Do you have family here that can take care of your child while the two of you go for a long weekend? That may be the best solution for everyone involved.

If you do decide to go and bring your child, I would approach the subject of whether he is allowed to attend the wedding very delicately. While your BIL and future SIL may say its ok to bring your child, they may feel differently. After all, they selected an adults-only resort so clearly they do not want a lot of kids around.

[Anonymous]

OP here: DH is annoyed that brother decided to get married so far away and that it is going to cost everyone so much money simply to attend their wedding and that going to the wedding is going to take up any money that we would have used for a vacation in 2011. He is definately going to the wedding, I wouldn't want him not to go, but cost wise him attending versus all of us attending will be just as expensive (minus my airfare if I stay home), because he will still have to get a hotel room, etc. My biggest concern about traveling is the length of flight, and the food/water safety issue with our toddler who is an extremely picky eater.

[Anonymous]

It does seem odd that they would just assume you would stay home. Sorry OP, it seems like there are some weird family issues going on there. Did anyone even acknowlege how difficult it would be for your family to attend at a no-kids resort? Not that they should have changed plans, but just a "hey, I know it's going to be difficult for you, we're sorry" from BIL would go a long way toward easing/preventing hurt feelings. And FIL appears to have overstepped his bounds in a huge way.

I vote for taking DS and staying at a different resort or leaving him home if possible (with your relatives). Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Family-friendly resorts often have nannies and sitters on staff. I would have no issue using them to watch my kid for the evening, esp. since he will probably be sleeping most of the time. If you look into it in advance you can probably get some more info and recommendations to make you feel more comfortable about it.

[Anonymous]

Your inlaws should pay for your DH to go and share a suite with him so your immediate family can still vacation together without them. What a bunch of jerks.

[Anonymous]

Um, wow.

St. Lucia is beautiful. There are plenty of lovely places to stay. You should definitely go with DH and stay at another B&B. Fit in as much alone time as you can while there.

You guys need to mount a united front: your exclusion is a non-option. An appropriate response to "concerns" about the baby's health would be, "Why do you think he'd get sick in St. Lucia?" [Head tilt.] Your child will be two YEARS old at that point, right? Weird.

I have NO problem with the no-children policy of the bride and groom. But, treating your (non)attendance with a shrug is unacceptable.

Hell, bring a pair of binoculars and hang out with the baby on the beach. The mangoes, I hear, are spectacular.

And, if DH has to miss an evening event to help care for the baby, well hell, that's called fatherhood and the rest of the family can just deal with it.

Balance and inclusion. This is what's called for here.

Good luck. Sounds tough.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, I would not be concerned about food/water issues. These resorts are top notch. I hope this doesn't keep you from going if you want to go.

Regarding the length of the flight-- I would highly recommend getting a seat on the plane for your son. I know it's another expense, but that is a long flight for an almost 2 y.o. to sit on laps.