Managing work travel, custody and divorce

[Anonymous]

Has anyone mandated a notification period or protocol for work travel in their divorce settlement?

I’m currently in divorce proceedings initiated by a spouse who travels frequently for work and on an unpredictable schedule. In other words, it’s not like he is gone M-Th every week or every first week of the month. His travel can be anywhere from an overnight trip mid-week to a 10 day trip overseas that requires weekend flights on either end.

During our marriage, he was often slow to tell me about work travel. During divorce, the discovery process has revealed that many of his “last-minute” trips were confirmed months before. For example, trips were booked for 2-3 months that would include weekends away or impact our visitation schedule, but he told me only days before that “a trip had come up”, necessitating rescheduling kids’ time with him or them not seeing him at all that week.

This pattern of communication and travel planning has obviously impacted our kids’ schedules and ability to plan time with him, as well as my ability to plan my work schedule.

To complicate things, STBX is asking for 50/50 custody but right now only makes time for the kids ~1 day/weekend if he is in town. I’ve been informed that if we go to trial it’s possible that he would be granted 50/50 regardless of his current travel patterns and that modification might only happen after he repeatedly failed to uphold his end of that arrangement, which could take months or years. I would like to pre-empt that if I can since I am trying to become financially independent and rebuild my career to support my family on one income.

Does anyone have experience building in a legal framework to mandate communication and advance planning around travel? Obviously it’s something my attorney is working on with me but I would appreciate hearing real-world examples of how people deal with this. I can’t be the only one in this situation but it feels like I am.

[Anonymous]

I would say you do a week on, week off and he needs to give two weeks notice for travel or make arrangements for child care with right of refusal. And, if he doesn’t he loses custody fined to cover their needs in your care that week.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Young or teens? Has he been parenting them before the divorce?

[Anonymous]

I didn't, but I wish I had.

I put a solo trip I was taking on the shared calendar as a courtesy with a month's notice, and ex immediately said, "Oh! I think it's fine, but I mentioned a business trip to you a few months ago, but I didn't put it on the calendar." I searched my texts and saw nothing. Um, yes, it's "fine" for me to plan travel on my stretch without the kid without asking if you forgot to inform me of business travel.

He got his dad to cover, which was a mess in and of itself, but my kids are teenagers and can fend for themselves.

I would ask for 30 days notice. You can't be perpetually available to step in for him; you have the right to plan your own life. And you have the right of first refusal, not an obligation to cover for him. And something like, "Best efforts will be made by both parties to swap an equal number of days" so it's not always him giving you his time with the kids while he has 50% on paper. If he wants 50/50, and he wants you to be his backup, then he can take them extra when he's not traveling.

My ex agreed to 57/43 (I have more) but he can't even keep that up. In an average month he gives up 3 nights and only makes up 2.

[Anonymous]

I feel like when child support, or the absence of child support, is based on the % custody, then a parent who regularly refuses their time should pay the other parent for covering that time.

I don't know that that's a thing that can be written into a custody arrangement, but I feel like it should be. I have a relative who paid child support based on 50/50 custody because they had the higher income, but the other parent didn't ever take the kids. That's ridiculous from my perspective.

[Anonymous]

Sure, you can put anything into a parenting plan. Some things are unenforceable, like restrictions on introducing SOs, but a notification period for changing the schedule sounds totally reasonable - although keep in mind it could apply to you too, and give you less flexibility.

So instead of a rigid notification period, I suggest that you add whatever you need functionally to cover for his absences in terms of childcare. Something like “parent who misses planned parenting time for reasons other than illness or emergency must pay for reasonable child care costs.”

[Anonymous]

In our co-parenting situation, I’m the one with the work travel. The only related stipulation he asked for during mediation was right of first refusal, which the traveling parent has to give at least 24 hours in advance when possible. So far, he has exercised that right for every work trip I’ve had.

My best advice is:
- consider all the possible FUTURE scenarios, not just your current situations bc jobs, employers, place of residence, etc can change. You might end up with the job that required extensive travel.

- protect yourself from being treated as a doormat, especially since you are trying to rebuild your career and become financially independent. That will be much harder for you to achieve if he’s always leaving the kids with you (assuming they are younger/not self sufficient).

[Anonymous]

12:10 poster again.

Thinking back to when our kids were younger and needed supervision after school, I just remembered one other related provision in our parenting agreement.
Whenever paid after school childcare was needed on a temporary basis (for example, due to me having to travel for work during my custody week and ex not being able to pick them up directly from school), I would cover the daily fee for the childcare and he would pick them up after his work.

Point being- protect your ability to put in a full work day + evening commute time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Young or teens? Has he been parenting them before the divorce?

Tweens. He was lightly involved before the divorce. Would pick them up from activities if it fit with his work schedule, and sometimes drive them to school if he didn’t have an early meeting. He would take them to pro sports events or movies with their friends about once a quarter or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:10 poster again.

Thinking back to when our kids were younger and needed supervision after school, I just remembered one other related provision in our parenting agreement.
Whenever paid after school childcare was needed on a temporary basis (for example, due to me having to travel for work during my custody week and ex not being able to pick them up directly from school), I would cover the daily fee for the childcare and he would pick them up after his work.

Point being- protect your ability to put in a full work day + evening commute time.

Thank you, that’s helpful. They are in middle school but with no after care and no bus service. The way it works now is that I pick them up and take them to various activities or bring them home. If I were working, that obviously wouldn’t work and I would need an afternoon nanny/driver until my workday ends. I think I need to negotiate the ongoing cost of a nanny/driver into our settlement, particularly since I don’t think he has thought through how he would care for them on school days on his time. He usually wraps up the work day around 6ish but once in a while has the flexibility to finish his day around 2 or 3, so he imagines his schedule as very flexible. But I don’t think he realizes that he would need to sustain that on a daily basis for 5 days at a time. And he certainly hasn’t thought through summer and their morning sports practices or anything like that.

It’s tough because I think I’m going to be negotiating with his magical thinking based on an ideal non-travel day. He doesn’t have a grasp of the reality of daily caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Do your tweens want to be with him as part of their weekly routine? Staying 50%? Mine asked for 50/50 but the day of trial gave up all custody. He was never much of a parent and the kids knew it and did not want to stay with him. He may be asking for it thinking he won’t have to part with money. My kids were also tweens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Thank you, that’s helpful. They are in middle school but with no after care and no bus service. The way it works now is that I pick them up and take them to various activities or bring them home. If I were working, that obviously wouldn’t work and I would need an afternoon nanny/driver until my workday ends. I think I need to negotiate the ongoing cost of a nanny/driver into our settlement, particularly since I don’t think he has thought through how he would care for them on school days on his time. He usually wraps up the work day around 6ish but once in a while has the flexibility to finish his day around 2 or 3, so he imagines his schedule as very flexible. But I don’t think he realizes that he would need to sustain that on a daily basis for 5 days at a time. And he certainly hasn’t thought through summer and their morning sports practices or anything like that.

It’s tough because I think I’m going to be negotiating with his magical thinking based on an ideal non-travel day. He doesn’t have a grasp of the reality of daily caregiving.

Depending on your state, work-related childcare costs might be included in the child support calculation.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you were a SAHM and are just now getting [back] into the job market? If so, make sure to discuss alimony with your lawyer, especially if the marriage lasted 10+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, you can put anything into a parenting plan. Some things are unenforceable, like restrictions on introducing SOs, but a notification period for changing the schedule sounds totally reasonable - although keep in mind it could apply to you too, and give you less flexibility.

So instead of a rigid notification period, I suggest that you add whatever you need functionally to cover for his absences in terms of childcare. Something like “parent who misses planned parenting time for reasons other than illness or emergency must pay for reasonable child care costs.”

Why other than . . . Married, partnered and single parents all need to pay for childcare in these circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you, that’s helpful. They are in middle school but with no after care and no bus service. The way it works now is that I pick them up and take them to various activities or bring them home. If I were working, that obviously wouldn’t work and I would need an afternoon nanny/driver until my workday ends. I think I need to negotiate the ongoing cost of a nanny/driver into our settlement, particularly since I don’t think he has thought through how he would care for them on school days on his time. He usually wraps up the work day around 6ish but once in a while has the flexibility to finish his day around 2 or 3, so he imagines his schedule as very flexible. But I don’t think he realizes that he would need to sustain that on a daily basis for 5 days at a time. And he certainly hasn’t thought through summer and their morning sports practices or anything like that.

It’s tough because I think I’m going to be negotiating with his magical thinking based on an ideal non-travel day. He doesn’t have a grasp of the reality of daily caregiving.

If this is what you end up doing, make sure that the cost responsibility is split in proportion to your incomes.
You could also split based on usage, but if you'll be working full-time, usage will probably be equal or close to it.... That is, unless you have a close friend, neighborhood carpool or a family member that can help out on your weeks (which is true in my situation). If that might be the case, consider the pro rata usage condition.