Managing work travel, custody and divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone mandated a notification period or protocol for work travel in their divorce settlement?

I’m currently in divorce proceedings initiated by a spouse who travels frequently for work and on an unpredictable schedule. In other words, it’s not like he is gone M-Th every week or every first week of the month. His travel can be anywhere from an overnight trip mid-week to a 10 day trip overseas that requires weekend flights on either end.

During our marriage, he was often slow to tell me about work travel. During divorce, the discovery process has revealed that many of his “last-minute” trips were confirmed months before. For example, trips were booked for 2-3 months that would include weekends away or impact our visitation schedule, but he told me only days before that “a trip had come up”, necessitating rescheduling kids’ time with him or them not seeing him at all that week.

This pattern of communication and travel planning has obviously impacted our kids’ schedules and ability to plan time with him, as well as my ability to plan my work schedule.

To complicate things, STBX is asking for 50/50 custody but right now only makes time for the kids ~1 day/weekend if he is in town. I’ve been informed that if we go to trial it’s possible that he would be granted 50/50 regardless of his current travel patterns and that modification might only happen after he repeatedly failed to uphold his end of that arrangement, which could take months or years. I would like to pre-empt that if I can since I am trying to become financially independent and rebuild my career to support my family on one income.

Does anyone have experience building in a legal framework to mandate communication and advance planning around travel? Obviously it’s something my attorney is working on with me but I would appreciate hearing real-world examples of how people deal with this. I can’t be the only one in this situation but it feels like I am.

Actually, it sounds to me like you angling to maximize child support.

That’s not how child support works.

Yes, it is. Child support partly goes by time share so if she gets full custody and he gets no visits, she gets much more child support.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t sound like your stbx is particularly reasonable, so my experience might be not at all applicable. I went back through several years of my ex’s travel and showed him how 50/50 wouldn’t be possible unless he cut back on travel. He ended up agreeing to 70/30 (we didnt get the courts involved).

On a day to day level, it’s pretty aggravating because he does have some last minute travel that I accommodate. On the plus side, he never seems to mind if I have unexpected travel (due to my parents’ poor health), so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Your ex might be planning to remarry immediately and palm the kids off on the new wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex might be planning to remarry immediately and palm the kids off on the new wife.

OP and I can’t find a single trace of an affair and I’ve always assumed my STBX DH was too wrapped up in work or antisocial to bother. His extensive travel haunts me and even with all of the financial records I now have as part of the discovery process I’m still wondering if there could possibly be someone else. It seems like every one of my friends’ first questions was whether it was an affair. How on earth would I know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex might be planning to remarry immediately and palm the kids off on the new wife.

And if he does that, he'll get 50-50 without question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone mandated a notification period or protocol for work travel in their divorce settlement?

I’m currently in divorce proceedings initiated by a spouse who travels frequently for work and on an unpredictable schedule. In other words, it’s not like he is gone M-Th every week or every first week of the month. His travel can be anywhere from an overnight trip mid-week to a 10 day trip overseas that requires weekend flights on either end.

During our marriage, he was often slow to tell me about work travel. During divorce, the discovery process has revealed that many of his “last-minute” trips were confirmed months before. For example, trips were booked for 2-3 months that would include weekends away or impact our visitation schedule, but he told me only days before that “a trip had come up”, necessitating rescheduling kids’ time with him or them not seeing him at all that week.

This pattern of communication and travel planning has obviously impacted our kids’ schedules and ability to plan time with him, as well as my ability to plan my work schedule.

To complicate things, STBX is asking for 50/50 custody but right now only makes time for the kids ~1 day/weekend if he is in town. I’ve been informed that if we go to trial it’s possible that he would be granted 50/50 regardless of his current travel patterns and that modification might only happen after he repeatedly failed to uphold his end of that arrangement, which could take months or years. I would like to pre-empt that if I can since I am trying to become financially independent and rebuild my career to support my family on one income.

Does anyone have experience building in a legal framework to mandate communication and advance planning around travel? Obviously it’s something my attorney is working on with me but I would appreciate hearing real-world examples of how people deal with this. I can’t be the only one in this situation but it feels like I am.

Actually, it sounds to me like you angling to maximize child support.

That’s not how child support works.

It's EXACTLY how child support works. The formula is heavily dependent on how much physical custody you have.

The game some couples play is women scheme to get 100% physical custody because they want as much child support as they can get. The flip side is men will demand 50/50 even though they may not actually do it. In some particularly extreme cases, men will even try to get 100% so as to not owe any custody or even receive it. These are not people who love their children, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone mandated a notification period or protocol for work travel in their divorce settlement?

I’m currently in divorce proceedings initiated by a spouse who travels frequently for work and on an unpredictable schedule. In other words, it’s not like he is gone M-Th every week or every first week of the month. His travel can be anywhere from an overnight trip mid-week to a 10 day trip overseas that requires weekend flights on either end.

During our marriage, he was often slow to tell me about work travel. During divorce, the discovery process has revealed that many of his “last-minute” trips were confirmed months before. For example, trips were booked for 2-3 months that would include weekends away or impact our visitation schedule, but he told me only days before that “a trip had come up”, necessitating rescheduling kids’ time with him or them not seeing him at all that week.

This pattern of communication and travel planning has obviously impacted our kids’ schedules and ability to plan time with him, as well as my ability to plan my work schedule.

To complicate things, STBX is asking for 50/50 custody but right now only makes time for the kids ~1 day/weekend if he is in town. I’ve been informed that if we go to trial it’s possible that he would be granted 50/50 regardless of his current travel patterns and that modification might only happen after he repeatedly failed to uphold his end of that arrangement, which could take months or years. I would like to pre-empt that if I can since I am trying to become financially independent and rebuild my career to support my family on one income.

Does anyone have experience building in a legal framework to mandate communication and advance planning around travel? Obviously it’s something my attorney is working on with me but I would appreciate hearing real-world examples of how people deal with this. I can’t be the only one in this situation but it feels like I am.

Actually, it sounds to me like you angling to maximize child support.

That’s not how child support works.

It's EXACTLY how child support works. The formula is heavily dependent on how much physical custody you have.

The game some couples play is women scheme to get 100% physical custody because they want as much child support as they can get. The flip side is men will demand 50/50 even though they may not actually do it. In some particularly extreme cases, men will even try to get 100% so as to not owe any custody or even receive it. These are not people who love their children, of course.

NP and in my state it was way more complicated than that particularly when there was a large income differential between custodial parent and noncustodial parent, regardless of the actual parenting plan. And in the end it didn’t really matter because state child support tables maxed out at laughably low amounts so supplemental support is all dealt with in mediation and trial and was disconnected from parenting time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex might be planning to remarry immediately and palm the kids off on the new wife.

OP and I can’t find a single trace of an affair and I’ve always assumed my STBX DH was too wrapped up in work or antisocial to bother. His extensive travel haunts me and even with all of the financial records I now have as part of the discovery process I’m still wondering if there could possibly be someone else. It seems like every one of my friends’ first questions was whether it was an affair. How on earth would I know?

You could hire a PI but what would you do with the knowledge? It’s just that men usually have someone waiting in the wings when they suddenly up and leave.

[Anonymous]

If you want more than 50/50, you need to make 50/50 inconvenient for him. Stop being the fill-in babysitter and let him scramble to find an overnight sitter, or coordinate with family or tell his boss he can’t travel because he doesn’t have childcare and take the professional hit. Women have to do it all the time. Welcome to parenting, bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Thank you, that’s helpful. They are in middle school but with no after care and no bus service. The way it works now is that I pick them up and take them to various activities or bring them home. If I were working, that obviously wouldn’t work and I would need an afternoon nanny/driver until my workday ends. I think I need to negotiate the ongoing cost of a nanny/driver into our settlement, particularly since I don’t think he has thought through how he would care for them on school days on his time. He usually wraps up the work day around 6ish but once in a while has the flexibility to finish his day around 2 or 3, so he imagines his schedule as very flexible. But I don’t think he realizes that he would need to sustain that on a daily basis for 5 days at a time. And he certainly hasn’t thought through summer and their morning sports practices or anything like that.

It’s tough because I think I’m going to be negotiating with his magical thinking based on an ideal non-travel day. He doesn’t have a grasp of the reality of daily caregiving.

Depending on your state, work-related childcare costs might be included in the child support calculation.

We had a nanny since our child was born because my ex was an absentee parent, and I worked full-time in a high-paying job. When we divorced, the judge ordered him to pay half the nanny's cost in addition to child support (which was minimal). This was largely based on our own precedent with having a nanny and his bad behavior during the divorce process.

While not working, he often took off at the last minute for random personal trips. I had a ROFR when he skipped town, and my nanny was very accommodating, while my mom would often fly in to help. It takes a village.

He had 50% custody on paper, but exercised maybe 10%. Whatever. He wouldn't have paid more child support anyway. He was delinquent or in contempt on multiple issues in the parenting agreement. Again, whatever. I let it go and kept putting one foot in front of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone mandated a notification period or protocol for work travel in their divorce settlement?

I’m currently in divorce proceedings initiated by a spouse who travels frequently for work and on an unpredictable schedule. In other words, it’s not like he is gone M-Th every week or every first week of the month. His travel can be anywhere from an overnight trip mid-week to a 10 day trip overseas that requires weekend flights on either end.

During our marriage, he was often slow to tell me about work travel. During divorce, the discovery process has revealed that many of his “last-minute” trips were confirmed months before. For example, trips were booked for 2-3 months that would include weekends away or impact our visitation schedule, but he told me only days before that “a trip had come up”, necessitating rescheduling kids’ time with him or them not seeing him at all that week.

This pattern of communication and travel planning has obviously impacted our kids’ schedules and ability to plan time with him, as well as my ability to plan my work schedule.

To complicate things, STBX is asking for 50/50 custody but right now only makes time for the kids ~1 day/weekend if he is in town. I’ve been informed that if we go to trial it’s possible that he would be granted 50/50 regardless of his current travel patterns and that modification might only happen after he repeatedly failed to uphold his end of that arrangement, which could take months or years. I would like to pre-empt that if I can since I am trying to become financially independent and rebuild my career to support my family on one income.

Does anyone have experience building in a legal framework to mandate communication and advance planning around travel? Obviously it’s something my attorney is working on with me but I would appreciate hearing real-world examples of how people deal with this. I can’t be the only one in this situation but it feels like I am.

Actually, it sounds to me like you angling to maximize child support.

That’s not how child support works.

It's EXACTLY how child support works. The formula is heavily dependent on how much physical custody you have.

The game some couples play is women scheme to get 100% physical custody because they want as much child support as they can get. The flip side is men will demand 50/50 even though they may not actually do it. In some particularly extreme cases, men will even try to get 100% so as to not owe any custody or even receive it. These are not people who love their children, of course.

Of course men love their kids and many want to be full time parents. Who wants their kids 1/2 time. You may have married a lousy man/husband/father but that's not all men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Thank you, that’s helpful. They are in middle school but with no after care and no bus service. The way it works now is that I pick them up and take them to various activities or bring them home. If I were working, that obviously wouldn’t work and I would need an afternoon nanny/driver until my workday ends. I think I need to negotiate the ongoing cost of a nanny/driver into our settlement, particularly since I don’t think he has thought through how he would care for them on school days on his time. He usually wraps up the work day around 6ish but once in a while has the flexibility to finish his day around 2 or 3, so he imagines his schedule as very flexible. But I don’t think he realizes that he would need to sustain that on a daily basis for 5 days at a time. And he certainly hasn’t thought through summer and their morning sports practices or anything like that.

It’s tough because I think I’m going to be negotiating with his magical thinking based on an ideal non-travel day. He doesn’t have a grasp of the reality of daily caregiving.

Depending on your state, work-related childcare costs might be included in the child support calculation.

We had a nanny since our child was born because my ex was an absentee parent, and I worked full-time in a high-paying job. When we divorced, the judge ordered him to pay half the nanny's cost in addition to child support (which was minimal). This was largely based on our own precedent with having a nanny and his bad behavior during the divorce process.

While not working, he often took off at the last minute for random personal trips. I had a ROFR when he skipped town, and my nanny was very accommodating, while my mom would often fly in to help. It takes a village.

He had 50% custody on paper, but exercised maybe 10%. Whatever. He wouldn't have paid more child support anyway. He was delinquent or in contempt on multiple issues in the parenting agreement. Again, whatever. I let it go and kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Neither one of you is around and the nanny is rasing the child so you really cannont complain when you aren't around much either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want more than 50/50, you need to make 50/50 inconvenient for him. Stop being the fill-in babysitter and let him scramble to find an overnight sitter, or coordinate with family or tell his boss he can’t travel because he doesn’t have childcare and take the professional hit. Women have to do it all the time. Welcome to parenting, bud.

Ya but some of us would rather take our kids than have them left on overnights with strangers. I'm happy to play hardball in other areas of my life, but not with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t sound like your stbx is particularly reasonable, so my experience might be not at all applicable. I went back through several years of my ex’s travel and showed him how 50/50 wouldn’t be possible unless he cut back on travel. He ended up agreeing to 70/30 (we didnt get the courts involved).

On a day to day level, it’s pretty aggravating because he does have some last minute travel that I accommodate. On the plus side, he never seems to mind if I have unexpected travel (due to my parents’ poor health), so there’s that.

So I have an unreasonable and oppositional ex, and the way I deal with similar scenarios is to avoid quantifying anything and just present a plan that I know he will like. If I presented him with documentation showing that 50-50 wasn’t feasible based on his past history of travel he would freak out and feel attacked. What I would do is something like this:

“Hey X, I was thinking that it would work best if I had kids from Mon-Fri and you get the weekend if you are in town. If you are not in town for the weekend then you can take them for dinner during the week. The you can also have priority to get 3 day weekends and extra vacation when you can plan it in advance.”

Show him what could work with his schedule instead of focusing on why something won’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone mandated a notification period or protocol for work travel in their divorce settlement?

I’m currently in divorce proceedings initiated by a spouse who travels frequently for work and on an unpredictable schedule. In other words, it’s not like he is gone M-Th every week or every first week of the month. His travel can be anywhere from an overnight trip mid-week to a 10 day trip overseas that requires weekend flights on either end.

During our marriage, he was often slow to tell me about work travel. During divorce, the discovery process has revealed that many of his “last-minute” trips were confirmed months before. For example, trips were booked for 2-3 months that would include weekends away or impact our visitation schedule, but he told me only days before that “a trip had come up”, necessitating rescheduling kids’ time with him or them not seeing him at all that week.

This pattern of communication and travel planning has obviously impacted our kids’ schedules and ability to plan time with him, as well as my ability to plan my work schedule.

To complicate things, STBX is asking for 50/50 custody but right now only makes time for the kids ~1 day/weekend if he is in town. I’ve been informed that if we go to trial it’s possible that he would be granted 50/50 regardless of his current travel patterns and that modification might only happen after he repeatedly failed to uphold his end of that arrangement, which could take months or years. I would like to pre-empt that if I can since I am trying to become financially independent and rebuild my career to support my family on one income.

Does anyone have experience building in a legal framework to mandate communication and advance planning around travel? Obviously it’s something my attorney is working on with me but I would appreciate hearing real-world examples of how people deal with this. I can’t be the only one in this situation but it feels like I am.

Actually, it sounds to me like you angling to maximize child support.

That’s not how child support works.

It's EXACTLY how child support works. The formula is heavily dependent on how much physical custody you have.

The game some couples play is women scheme to get 100% physical custody because they want as much child support as they can get. The flip side is men will demand 50/50 even though they may not actually do it. In some particularly extreme cases, men will even try to get 100% so as to not owe any custody or even receive it. These are not people who love their children, of course.

Sure those scenarios can happen. But I think it is much more likely that women give up some child support in order to get the custody arrangement they think is best for their kid. I know I did. I’m thankful that I can afford to go without it but I don’t dare say a word about child support or xDH will demand to get his “fair share” of custody.