Need help navigating this matter between DH and DD13

[Anonymous]

Our kid (not biologically DH’s) is and has always been a bit stubborn and difficult, but her behavior has (as expected) gotten worse since becoming a pre-teen/teen. Since her father and I divorced when she was still a toddler, I’ve been her primary caregiver. My ex-husband isn’t very involved in her life; he hasn’t remarried and unfortunately just doesn’t care enough/want to have partial custody of DD. So my husband has been in that role.

DD is extremely disrespectful to both me and my husband of five years. She constantly lies, talks back, swears, and uses rude words, and that has been the case since before we got together. When I remind her to do something as simple as to pick up her clothes off the floor or tell her that she cannot have a sleepover tonight with a friend, she’ll freak out, yell and scream at us. She very often has a bad attitude. A few times (like 5) she has gotten violent (with property) and one time she tried to hit DH and me when she was angry. Consequences like taking away electronics help to get her to do activities like cleaning her room and doing her homework before being told, but that doesn’t help with her rude and unpleasant demeanor.
We’ve gone through numerous neuropsychological evaluations and psychiatric evaluations over the years, but nothing has come up in the tests, so they have said that she might have a personality disorder but it’s too early to be sure. Academically and otherwise, she does well, but she behaves similarly and is very rude towards her peers and teachers at school, which causes her to get in trouble and receive detentions and have conflicts with other students.

DH is that father figure that DD needs, and he does a great job being a dad to DD and our four-year-old DD. They have shared a ton of wonderful moments, but her behavior has been tough for him to cope with. I make a point to tell him that he isn’t alone and that it has also been difficult with me. I make sure to tell him that we both need to remember not to take her actions personally and that we are doing our best to navigate her behavior, hoping she will eventually outgrow it. However, he’s not very hopeful and tends to have a very low tolerance for disrespect, so it is hard. I’m looking for advice, mainly on how to strengthen our marriage and not let this affect it and also how to ensure DH/DD have a close relationship despite all of this going forward.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot going on in your post, OP. I can’t address it all because it’s out of my wheelhouse, but the parts I don’t have enough experience with suggest that DD needs more medical support than she is getting, a new neuropsych, and you should look into therapists for her that focus on family systems.

As a wife of someone whose family had a similar dynamic (I think- they’re pretty secretive) in his family of origin, I see similarities to my SIL. Doctors and psychiatrists have bounced between saying she might have a personality disorder or saying they just aren’t sure.

Because of how intensely SIL has impacted our lives with her challenges and behavior, I’ve done a ton of research. What you’re saying about your DD overlaps with a lot of my SIL’s stuff.

It is possible that your DD has autism or a personality disorder and that doctors/psychologists may never be able to distinguish between the two. Especially in girls and women, autism is often missed until well into the teenage or even adult years because of how testing evolved and its bias towards identifying autism spectrum disorder in boys. So it is possible this isn’t a personality disorder at all but ASD and likely anxiety, too. On the other hand, many people with actual personality disorders are diagnosed with ASD first as children or teens and only later do medical professionals question if it could be a personality disorder. I can’t explain it all here but a quick search of “autism vs personality disorder” will help explain some of the reasons why a differential diagnosis can be challenging.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I know all too well the helpless feeling you’re experiencing well as questioning it all when you do have those good and happy times with your Dd. If it encourages you, I think that my SIL would have been in a much better place in life now if my ILs had asked the hard questions you’re asking right now.

[Anonymous]

Definitely revisit the idea of getting more testing done and get DD in therapy. She's probably struggling with the fact that her dad isn't in her life and this behavior sounds like some form of neurodivergence.

In the meantime, be kind to yourselves.
Having a difficult child is extremely hard.

[Anonymous]

I think she could benefit from more therapy at this point.

[Anonymous]

I would look into meds for mood regulation. She’s unhappy and she doesn’t want to be an angry, sullen person.

[Anonymous]

Yikes!
So bio dad gets to skip the grunt of all this behavior while it’s all dumped on you & the step dad.

Prob should loop that MIA dad in. Sounds like the two or three of you need to discuss a plan forward.
Hopefully to include some type of therapy , discipline and medication.

[Anonymous]

We found talking to a family systems therapist helpful. We liked Katie Austin from Resnik Associates (can only work in Maryland) but there are many.

It helped us have a plan in advance for how to react, be on the same team, etc. With outbursts like you describe and at this age, kid therapy isn’t that helpful bc the kid is beyond reason and can’t access skills like deep breathing while they are upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!
So bio dad gets to skip the grunt of all this behavior while it’s all dumped on you & the step dad.

Prob should loop that MIA dad in. Sounds like the two or three of you need to discuss a plan forward.
Hopefully to include some type of therapy , discipline and medication.

The last thing this kid needs is a reluctant unreliable parent figure. Terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are trying to paste in your new husband as a dad, but he doesn't really want to be a stepfather to a difficult teen at all, and she is grieving that she doesn't have a real or even step-dad who genuinely wants to be her dad. I don't think this is fixable, she has to work through it. But if you're trying to blow sunshine up her skirt with "stepdad loves you sooooo much! All families are good in their own way!" type stuff, stop it. It's just pressure and it backfires.

[Anonymous]

Since you said you have a four yo with your current husband and this behavior started five years ago, may be the new kid has something to do with it? Meaning abandonment feeling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH is that father figure that DD needs, and he does a great job being a dad to DD and our four-year-old DD. They have shared a ton of wonderful moments, but her behavior has been tough for him to cope with. I make a point to tell him that he isn’t alone and that it has also been difficult with me. I make sure to tell him that we both need to remember not to take her actions personally and that we are doing our best to navigate her behavior, hoping she will eventually outgrow it. However, he’s not very hopeful and tends to have a very low tolerance for disrespect, so it is hard. I’m looking for advice, mainly on how to strengthen our marriage and not let this affect it and also how to ensure DH/DD have a close relationship despite all of this going forward.

Is he though? It sounds like you want him to be a good father figure but actually he isn't.

So it was just you and DD, she's always struggled to cope and is basically abandoned by her bio father. Then you put her through remarriage and a new baby, dividing your attention across two other people and making her live with someone who is not temperamentally a good fit for her needs. Surprise, it's going badly. Take some responsibility for your choices here.

Men who need a lot of "respect" are often just insecure and rigid. They don't have the social skills to earn respect or understand why the kid is behaving badly. so they try to demand "respect", but that's not how respect truly works.

I would reduce your expectations at home to lower the conflict. At 13, she does not need to do chores and homework without being told. It's fine for her to be told. Designate certain blocks of time each week for this and it will become routine.

[Anonymous]

Why are men great until they need to be great.

The fact is your dd is suffering from fear of abandonment.

All of you need to get individual therapy... NOT family therapy.

You need to understand her outbursts are to prove to you that you will hurt/abandon/hate her... and she is about to show you she is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!
So bio dad gets to skip the grunt of all this behavior while it’s all dumped on you & the step dad.

Prob should loop that MIA dad in. Sounds like the two or three of you need to discuss a plan forward.
Hopefully to include some type of therapy , discipline and medication.

The last thing this kid needs is a reluctant unreliable parent figure. Terrible idea.

Or an unhelpful annoyed frustrated rigid step dad

[Anonymous]

I would start family therapy with everyone (except maybe the little one). My son went though a period of behavioral crisis 5 years ago that was horrible, and what helped the most was family therapy. He’s also done individual therapy (as have all the parents), but family therapy was most impactful day to day.

[Anonymous]

It is good she has friends that she wants to do sleepovers with, so maybe she has depression, anxiety or another neurotypical condition that makes it difficult to manage her strong emotions. May want to look into dialectical behavior therapy. DBT was developed for people with borderline personality disorder, but have been using it for other conditions as well. Teaches skills for handling distressing life events. As others have said, she doesn't want to be miserable, but doesn't know how to express herself well. I've just started reading the book 'The disengaged Teen' and it has some specific ways to interact with teens. Maker sure your expectations are clear. Don't go crazy with keeping her room clean, if she is depressed or ADHD, that may be more than she can manage. But agree limiting access to phones is likely a valuable tool for motivation.