Need help navigating this matter between DH and DD13

[Anonymous]

You need parent management training/therapy to learn to set appropriate limits at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kid (not biologically DH’s) is and has always been a bit stubborn and difficult, but her behavior has (as expected) gotten worse since becoming a pre-teen/teen. Since her father and I divorced when she was still a toddler, I’ve been her primary caregiver. My ex-husband isn’t very involved in her life; he hasn’t remarried and unfortunately just doesn’t care enough/want to have partial custody of DD. So my husband has been in that role.

DD is extremely disrespectful to both me and my husband of five years. She constantly lies, talks back, swears, and uses rude words, and that has been the case since before we got together. When I remind her to do something as simple as to pick up her clothes off the floor or tell her that she cannot have a sleepover tonight with a friend, she’ll freak out, yell and scream at us. She very often has a bad attitude. A few times (like 5) she has gotten violent (with property) and one time she tried to hit DH and me when she was angry. Consequences like taking away electronics help to get her to do activities like cleaning her room and doing her homework before being told, but that doesn’t help with her rude and unpleasant demeanor.
We’ve gone through numerous neuropsychological evaluations and psychiatric evaluations over the years, but nothing has come up in the tests, so they have said that she might have a personality disorder but it’s too early to be sure. Academically and otherwise, she does well, but she behaves similarly and is very rude towards her peers and teachers at school, which causes her to get in trouble and receive detentions and have conflicts with other students.

DH is that father figure that DD needs, and he does a great job being a dad to DD and our four-year-old DD. They have shared a ton of wonderful moments, but her behavior has been tough for him to cope with. I make a point to tell him that he isn’t alone and that it has also been difficult with me. I make sure to tell him that we both need to remember not to take her actions personally and that we are doing our best to navigate her behavior, hoping she will eventually outgrow it. However, he’s not very hopeful and tends to have a very low tolerance for disrespect, so it is hard. I’m looking for advice, mainly on how to strengthen our marriage and not let this affect it and also how to ensure DH/DD have a close relationship despite all of this going forward.

Several things:

1. SO your H came into her life when she was, what, 9-10ish? Then you had a baby? She lost a LOT. Have some compassion. That's freaking HARD to go through, and she's NOT going to see your H as a father figure. Maybe if he had been there since she was 2-3, but not at age 10. From her perspective, this random guy and a baby took over her life.

2. She also lost her father, which is extremely difficult. In her mind, everyone abandons her. Dad left. Mom had another baby. She's waiting for you to leave as well.

3. Electronics should come AFTER she has cleaned her room, done her homework, etc. It doesn't work to give kids electronics then take them away. If she's been on the screens for 2 hours then you tell her to go clean her room, it's just not going to happen. She's overstimulated and sucked in.

4. Why can't she have sleepovers? Time with friends is extremely important at her age.

5. Your H needs to suck it up and quit being a baby. He's the adult. He knew what he was getting into dating and marrying a woman with a child. Was he expecting the Brady Bunch? He needs to MASSIVELY adjust his expectations. And BTW, they will probably never be close. He's going to be more like an uncle than a father to her. That's fine.

6. Worry less about your marriage and more about your relationship with your DD. Do you get alone time with her? Go out together? You're so focused on respect - guess what, teenagers are disrespectful. How's your relationship with her? I'm guessing with a new husband and a new baby, she hasn't gotten much quality time with you over the last 5 years. Fix that.

[Anonymous]

Is her father neurodivergent? Personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Wow, it sounds like your husband may deserve a gold medal 🥇 for dealing w/this girl.

Half-joking of course, but still…….

I would say your daughter needs a good, solid month of teen boot camp.
Again joking of course……

🤔
Her behavior should not be tolerated.
She needs professional help that is effective because unless she receives it > her surly behavior just may ruin your marriage in the long run.

It appears that you may have already taken this route w/no results but I encourage you to keep trying until you have results.

Good luck to your family!

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds like he needs to work on his patience and ego.

[Anonymous]

Men who need a lot of "respect" are often just insecure and rigid. They don't have the social skills to earn respect or understand why the kid is behaving badly. so they try to demand "respect", but that's not how respect truly works.

This is so true.

[Anonymous]

Nothing will improve. This is classic blended - step family antics.


You’re in for a long miserable ride.
You will eventually have to choose between your first kid & your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think she needs a psychiatrist. Not a therapist. She is only 13, and lying, swearing, breaking things, and trying to hit your DH are not within normal for angry teen- even with you getting remarried and having a baby 5 yrs ago. Sounds like she has bigger problems going on within her. I don’t think you and DH are doing anything wrong either- he is right that that behavior shouldn’t be tolerated.
But I feel like she might not be able to control herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nothing will improve. This is classic blended - step family antics.


You’re in for a long miserable ride.
You will eventually have to choose between your first kid & your marriage.

I had a blended family and yes, it’s not great and I wasn’t thrilled about it. But this isn’t cause for breaking things
Or hitting your parents

[Anonymous]

All three of you need DBT training urgently. Her behavior is very unlikely to get better especially in the short run.

I really encourage you to find a DBT practice in your area. You and your husband need training on the best way to manage a kid like that and she needs help learning to manage her emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nothing will improve. This is classic blended - step family antics.


You’re in for a long miserable ride.
You will eventually have to choose between your first kid & your marriage.

No it is not. OP's daughter is neurodivergent. Her father probably was too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nothing will improve. This is classic blended - step family antics.


You’re in for a long miserable ride.
You will eventually have to choose between your first kid & your marriage.

I had a blended family and yes, it’s not great and I wasn’t thrilled about it. But this isn’t cause for breaking things
Or hitting your parents

+1. I strongly oppose blended families after divorce, but this child's behavior goes far beyond that.

[Anonymous]

If your child is at risk of having a personality disorder, you need to get help from professionals on how to parent so that you can change this course. It is not inevitable. But fixing it is a parenting issue.

We were in your shoes about 7 or 8 years ago and we were successful with turning things around. But it wasn’t easy. In fact it was the toughest thing we’ve ever been through. And it was a long term effort. But so worth it for the outcome.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any suggestions to improve things now, but if you and your DH love her now, she will surely remember when she grows up.

I had issues as a child, and I did not come from a blended or divorced family so that is not necessarily the issue in your case.

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at 10 because that is all they could come up with at the time. I never cursed or hit my parents, but I was a terror at 13 at home and in school. I was always angry and always argumentative. I would stay home from school for weeks because there were too many rules. Whatever I had, teenage hormones made it worse. I developed some severe neurological symptoms in my early 20s as well.

All this to say that it was a rough road, but I remember always been loved. I always felt loved by my parents, so I knew the anger and acting out did not make any sense. I am a different person now through pure luck as I still don't have a diagnosis and my neurological symptoms are much less severe. I am extremely grateful to my parents for unconditional love, and I remember the hugs, back rubs and words of encouragement from my parents when I was going through it.

It might be harder for you and your DH to show your DD unconditional love since she has hit/ attempted to hit you, but try to find ways to be there for her without necessarily encourage hitting. She will be forever grateful. Wishing you and your family the best.

[Anonymous]

You need to have her evaluated again. 13 is not too young to be diagnosed especially if there's a family history of mental health disorders