Need help navigating this matter between DH and DD13

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you said you have a four yo with your current husband and this behavior started five years ago, may be the new kid has something to do with it? Meaning abandonment feeling?

+1 what a mess, OP

[Anonymous]

Some of it is the age but you aren’t looking at her feelings and deciding to replace dad with stepdad and that’s not appropriate. You need to take the parenting lead, listen to her feelings and spend more 1-1 time with her.

[Anonymous]

Why does everything have to turn into a man bashing thread? Geez

[Anonymous]

OP seems more interested in saving that marriage instead of her child.

She’s going to despise you both eventually. Give her some more non therapy time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kid (not biologically DH’s) is and has always been a bit stubborn and difficult, but her behavior has (as expected) gotten worse since becoming a pre-teen/teen. Since her father and I divorced when she was still a toddler, I’ve been her primary caregiver. My ex-husband isn’t very involved in her life; he hasn’t remarried and unfortunately just doesn’t care enough/want to have partial custody of DD. So my husband has been in that role.

DD is extremely disrespectful to both me and my husband of five years. She constantly lies, talks back, swears, and uses rude words, and that has been the case since before we got together. When I remind her to do something as simple as to pick up her clothes off the floor or tell her that she cannot have a sleepover tonight with a friend, she’ll freak out, yell and scream at us. She very often has a bad attitude. A few times (like 5) she has gotten violent (with property) and one time she tried to hit DH and me when she was angry. Consequences like taking away electronics help to get her to do activities like cleaning her room and doing her homework before being told, but that doesn’t help with her rude and unpleasant demeanor.
We’ve gone through numerous neuropsychological evaluations and psychiatric evaluations over the years, but nothing has come up in the tests, so they have said that she might have a personality disorder but it’s too early to be sure. Academically and otherwise, she does well, but she behaves similarly and is very rude towards her peers and teachers at school, which causes her to get in trouble and receive detentions and have conflicts with other students.

DH is that father figure that DD needs, and he does a great job being a dad to DD and our four-year-old DD. They have shared a ton of wonderful moments, but her behavior has been tough for him to cope with. I make a point to tell him that he isn’t alone and that it has also been difficult with me. I make sure to tell him that we both need to remember not to take her actions personally and that we are doing our best to navigate her behavior, hoping she will eventually outgrow it. However, he’s not very hopeful and tends to have a very low tolerance for disrespect, so it is hard. I’m looking for advice, mainly on how to strengthen our marriage and not let this affect it and also how to ensure DH/DD have a close relationship despite all of this going forward.

This was a red flag for me. Your daughter really needs help and you are the only parent in the world who could be there to help her fix it. Her biological Dad won't do it, and your new husband won't do it.

This is on you. You need to put your daughter ahead of your husband on the priority list, otherwise she risks a very bad outcome. Personity disorders have a high suicide risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!
So bio dad gets to skip the grunt of all this behavior while it’s all dumped on you & the step dad.

Prob should loop that MIA dad in. Sounds like the two or three of you need to discuss a plan forward.
Hopefully to include some type of therapy , discipline and medication.

The last thing this kid needs is a reluctant unreliable parent figure. Terrible idea.

Or an unhelpful annoyed frustrated rigid step dad

LOL, I knew the bitter harpies would focus on the poor step dad. Poor guy. Why should he have high tolerance for disrespect? He probably regrets the marriage, and rightly so.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s a brat who needs her bit whooped. I’d take away all her privileges until she earns them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!
So bio dad gets to skip the grunt of all this behavior while it’s all dumped on you & the step dad.

Prob should loop that MIA dad in. Sounds like the two or three of you need to discuss a plan forward.
Hopefully to include some type of therapy , discipline and medication.

The last thing this kid needs is a reluctant unreliable parent figure. Terrible idea.

Or an unhelpful annoyed frustrated rigid step dad

LOL, I knew the bitter harpies would focus on the poor step dad. Poor guy. Why should he have high tolerance for disrespect? He probably regrets the marriage, and rightly so.

I’m guessing op coddled her DD because she felt guilt that her dad doesn’t want to be party of her life. Now she is a spoiled brat with zero respect.

[Anonymous]

I’m so tired of parents blaming mental illness for their poor parenting. Majority of kids today and the last generation were raised by soft parents and look at them - disgraceful and violent with no regard for anyone else. Most kids don’t have a mental illness - your parenting just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!
So bio dad gets to skip the grunt of all this behavior while it’s all dumped on you & the step dad.

Prob should loop that MIA dad in. Sounds like the two or three of you need to discuss a plan forward.
Hopefully to include some type of therapy , discipline and medication.

The last thing this kid needs is a reluctant unreliable parent figure. Terrible idea.

Or an unhelpful annoyed frustrated rigid step dad

LOL, I knew the bitter harpies would focus on the poor step dad. Poor guy. Why should he have high tolerance for disrespect? He probably regrets the marriage, and rightly so.

He picked her. He knew what he was getting into and decided to move forward anyway. Let’s not infantilize a grown man who made his choice.

[Anonymous]

This seems simple. Her dad abandoned her. You remarried and got her a new dad. Then you had another baby which takes more time and attention away from her. She’s screaming for attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she’s a brat who needs her bit whooped. I’d take away all her privileges until she earns them back.

You sound like someone without kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she’s a brat who needs her bit whooped. I’d take away all her privileges until she earns them back.

You sound like someone without kids.

We can only hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!
So bio dad gets to skip the grunt of all this behavior while it’s all dumped on you & the step dad.

Prob should loop that MIA dad in. Sounds like the two or three of you need to discuss a plan forward.
Hopefully to include some type of therapy , discipline and medication.

The last thing this kid needs is a reluctant unreliable parent figure. Terrible idea.

Or an unhelpful annoyed frustrated rigid step dad

LOL, I knew the bitter harpies would focus on the poor step dad. Poor guy. Why should he have high tolerance for disrespect? He probably regrets the marriage, and rightly so.

Ha! Know my sibling did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of parents blaming mental illness for their poor parenting. Majority of kids today and the last generation were raised by soft parents and look at them - disgraceful and violent with no regard for anyone else. Most kids don’t have a mental illness - your parenting just sucks.

Preach!
Mental illness is the first diagnosis on the site when spouses cheat and kids are ill behaved.