Need help navigating this matter between DH and DD13

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of parents blaming mental illness for their poor parenting. Majority of kids today and the last generation were raised by soft parents and look at them - disgraceful and violent with no regard for anyone else. Most kids don’t have a mental illness - your parenting just sucks.

Preach!
Mental illness is the first diagnosis on the site when spouses cheat and kids are ill behaved.

A normal 13 yo doesn’t break things or hit their parents regardless of parenting. That is way removed from normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All three of you need DBT training urgently. Her behavior is very unlikely to get better especially in the short run.

I really encourage you to find a DBT practice in your area. You and your husband need training on the best way to manage a kid like that and she needs help learning to manage her emotions.

NP here. How did you get your spouse to be engaged in DBT and the solution? I observe that often the mom bears the brunt of researching options and support for neurodivergence and mental heath with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of parents blaming mental illness for their poor parenting. Majority of kids today and the last generation were raised by soft parents and look at them - disgraceful and violent with no regard for anyone else. Most kids don’t have a mental illness - your parenting just sucks.

Preach!
Mental illness is the first diagnosis on the site when spouses cheat and kids are ill behaved.

This is not normal and there’s definitely a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of parents blaming mental illness for their poor parenting. Majority of kids today and the last generation were raised by soft parents and look at them - disgraceful and violent with no regard for anyone else. Most kids don’t have a mental illness - your parenting just sucks.

Preach!
Mental illness is the first diagnosis on the site when spouses cheat and kids are ill lol pm behaved.

This is not normal and there’s definitely a problem.

OP’s whole entire problem to fix.
That husband isn’t interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of parents blaming mental illness for their poor parenting. Majority of kids today and the last generation were raised by soft parents and look at them - disgraceful and violent with no regard for anyone else. Most kids don’t have a mental illness - your parenting just sucks.

Preach!
Mental illness is the first diagnosis on the site when spouses cheat and kids are ill behaved.

A normal 13 yo doesn’t break things or hit their parents regardless of parenting. That is way removed from normal

When you’ve endured the kind of trauma OP’s DD has, it’s normal. Imagine your father giving you up, your mother neglecting all of your emotional needs, bringing another man and baby into the home without having any idea how to do it in a healthy way, and now you’re pubescent so who knows with an unstable home what kind of people are taking advantage of her. OP owns her kid’s problems. She caused them. And if her stupidity gave her kid BPD then it’s no surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!
So bio dad gets to skip the grunt of all this behavior while it’s all dumped on you & the step dad.

Prob should loop that MIA dad in. Sounds like the two or three of you need to discuss a plan forward.
Hopefully to include some type of therapy , discipline and medication.

The last thing this kid needs is a reluctant unreliable parent figure. Terrible idea.

Or an unhelpful annoyed frustrated rigid step dad

LOL, I knew the bitter harpies would focus on the poor step dad. Poor guy. Why should he have high tolerance for disrespect? He probably regrets the marriage, and rightly so.

I’m guessing op coddled her DD because she felt guilt that her dad doesn’t want to be party of her life. Now she is a spoiled brat with zero respect.

Really? Because it sure sounds like OP abandoned her daughter too.

[Anonymous]

It's not too late for her biological dad to be involved. In fact he could be the answer. He needs to step up. A dad/daughter trip can do wonders. They will reconnect etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot going on in your post, OP. I can’t address it all because it’s out of my wheelhouse, but the parts I don’t have enough experience with suggest that DD needs more medical support than she is getting, a new neuropsych, and you should look into therapists for her that focus on family systems.

As a wife of someone whose family had a similar dynamic (I think- they’re pretty secretive) in his family of origin, I see similarities to my SIL. Doctors and psychiatrists have bounced between saying she might have a personality disorder or saying they just aren’t sure.

Because of how intensely SIL has impacted our lives with her challenges and behavior, I’ve done a ton of research. What you’re saying about your DD overlaps with a lot of my SIL’s stuff.

It is possible that your DD has autism or a personality disorder and that doctors/psychologists may never be able to distinguish between the two. Especially in girls and women, autism is often missed until well into the teenage or even adult years because of how testing evolved and its bias towards identifying autism spectrum disorder in boys. So it is possible this isn’t a personality disorder at all but ASD and likely anxiety, too. On the other hand, many people with actual personality disorders are diagnosed with ASD first as children or teens and only later do medical professionals question if it could be a personality disorder. I can’t explain it all here but a quick search of “autism vs personality disorder” will help explain some of the reasons why a differential diagnosis can be challenging.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I know all too well the helpless feeling you’re experiencing well as questioning it all when you do have those good and happy times with your Dd. If it encourages you, I think that my SIL would have been in a much better place in life now if my ILs had asked the hard questions you’re asking right now.

Ma'am, I do respect your opinion because you have put a lot of thought into it and believe it passionately.
However, you're wrong in some areas.
First. Don't ever think a mental health professional always has the right answers. Many, dare I say most, do not. The one thing you should NEVER do is label a child/teenager. More psych's have ruined a child's life than helped. We tried them all including mental hospital until it became painfully obvious how incompetent they all were. I wished I could re-live it all over so that I didn't impress my daughter with how hopeless they all thought she was. She was put on loads of strong medications that cycled throughout the period.

My daughter behaved precisely the way you have described. About the ages of 12-18. Prior to that she was the most loving girl in the whole world. Girls will be girls. Many have more hormones than they can handle. It throws them into a frenzy sometimes along with feelings their parents no longer have unconditional love for them. My daughter grew to abuse alcohol and became a cutter. Arms full of deep scars. She's an exceptionally intelligent person with high emotional IQ. I believe the catalyst for most her unhappiness was being bullied in school from girls that used to be her friends. That along with boys that watched porn too often treating her like an object far too soon before she was ready to deal with sexual situations. I couldn't protect her from those things. However, in those years she could have easily fit a label of Borderline Personality Disorder and suicidal. All the name calling and affirmations of hate from her were hard to take, but I did the best I could in treating her respectfully. Magically one day she graduated and went to College, she was like a different person. It took her at least two years to kick all the drugs after HS. Many are never able to get completely clean after their brains are used as medical guinea pigs. My advice, scrap the tough love approach and flood her with respect and love. If you don't , once she comes out of the crazy spell, you'll have lost your daughter. I'm the bio father for context. She's been my perfect loving daughter after HS for 15 yrs now with no other issues.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this OP. I hope her Stepdad has enough strength to not make things worse. I wish you the very best. Be true to your daughter and she will come back to you.

[Anonymous]

I feel so bad for the older children who have to blend and then deal with a new half-sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the older children who have to blend and then deal with a new half-sibling.

+1 Yep. The amount of tension and animosity it creates.

Especially when that first parent is a dead beat.
Ehhhh don’t ask me how I know.