20 yr old - Sophomore College Living Situation

[Anonymous]

Please weigh in on if this is upsetting, and how to handle.

20 year old daughter has her own apartment with a female friend at college. Dorms are only guaranteed for Freshman. We pay $1050 per month, plus utilities and parking, plus tuition/books. It's a sacrifice, even with savings, but we pay it without loans. We are not by any means rich, and came from blue collar upbrings. Still we've created a nice middle class life for our kids.

Daughter moves into a two bed/two bath apartment in July, and is in a 12 month lease.

Daughter has a boyfriend and they've become more serious since moving back for sophomore year. She now stays with him at his apartment 99% of the time. You know this because of Facetime calls and she shares (willingly) her location on iphone. She basically uses her very nice apartment as a closet for shoes and clothes.

1. Ignore, she's an adult.
2. Say something, because you are wasting your money.
3. Something in the middle. What?

When the lease is up do you "let" her move in with her boyfriend? This hasn't come up, but may in the future. BF is a senior at the same college. Do you keep paying for everything, or do you suggest a more a affordable apartment? We thought current apartment was a good deal for the area, security, and proximity to campus, but she could find something further out.

FWIW, we like the boyfriend enough. No complaints other than it seems serious fast, and it irritates me every time I pay rent.

[Anonymous]

You keep paying, because if the relationship turns abusive you want her to have a safe place to go. Tell her to get a part time job and that starting spring semester she needs to take over paying for utilities and parking.

[Anonymous]

I would think she’s too young to be officially living with some guy. If she gave up her apartment, she’d have no alternative place to go if something happened to their relationship. That’s way too much pressure on a twenty year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please weigh in on if this is upsetting, and how to handle.

20 year old daughter has her own apartment with a female friend at college. Dorms are only guaranteed for Freshman. We pay $1050 per month, plus utilities and parking, plus tuition/books. It's a sacrifice, even with savings, but we pay it without loans. We are not by any means rich, and came from blue collar upbrings. Still we've created a nice middle class life for our kids.

Daughter moves into a two bed/two bath apartment in July, and is in a 12 month lease.

Daughter has a boyfriend and they've become more serious since moving back for sophomore year. She now stays with him at his apartment 99% of the time. You know this because of Facetime calls and she shares (willingly) her location on iphone. She basically uses her very nice apartment as a closet for shoes and clothes.

1. Ignore, she's an adult.
2. Say something, because you are wasting your money.
3. Something in the middle. What?

When the lease is up do you "let" her move in with her boyfriend? This hasn't come up, but may in the future. BF is a senior at the same college. Do you keep paying for everything, or do you suggest a more a affordable apartment? We thought current apartment was a good deal for the area, security, and proximity to campus, but she could find something further out.

FWIW, we like the boyfriend enough. No complaints other than it seems serious fast, and it irritates me every time I pay rent.

4. Request that with all of this free time that she obviously has to spend with the boyfriend, she get a job, on campus or off, to begin funding her lifestyle. If she's going to play house like an adult, she can learn the value of what it costs.

Sorry OP. This is a tough one.

[Anonymous]

You've budgeted for the apartment and feel it is a good/safe place for her. I would just continue on as you are. College relationships do end, and if she took a cheaper place further out and then they broke up it would feel kind of lousy to her to feel somehow doubly punished for having had a relationship end

[Anonymous]

Oh heck no! I would not pay all that money for her to be living with the boyfriend. Read the lease carefully usually there are fees but you can break the lease its often two months rent. You need to let her know you're not happy and she just moved in July?! You need to say something this is not cool on her end. At a minimum she needs to get a job and start paying 60-70% if shes not staying there see how she likes that.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. There are a lot of young adult children replying to this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. There are a lot of young adult children replying to this post.

OP here, please reply. I need to gauge my feelings against other moms with daughters in college, or against women who also lived with a college BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. There are a lot of young adult children replying to this post.

OP here, please reply. I need to gauge my feelings against other moms with daughters in college, or against women who also lived with a college BF.

13:42 here. I’m not a young adult, I’m a GenX mom. I’ve been around the block enough to know that it’s important for a young woman to have her own space, even if she spends alot of time with a boyfriend. She becomes quite vulnerable if she has no place of her own to go. I’d never let a 20 year be reliant on a boyfriend for housing.

[Anonymous]

+1 - I'm also a gen x mom and would not leave my DD without a place to live besides her BF. That said, for next year, you can also suggest/advise/pay for a smaller apartment or less expensive if you think she might not live there very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 - I'm also a gen x mom and would not leave my DD without a place to live besides her BF. That said, for next year, you can also suggest/advise/pay for a smaller apartment or less expensive if you think she might not live there very much.

+1 it’s unfortunate for your pocketbook, but I think you have to provide your kid a space that’s not the boyfriend’s place.

[Anonymous]

I'm 13:44, also GenX mom, dd just graduated from college. Did not have the kind of BF where she lived at his place but certainly she knew college kids who did, it's not all that unusual TBH. I would always want my dd to have a safe home that is "hers" and if she feels like camping out at the BF's a lot, fine.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible she doesn't feel at home at her apartment because her roommate's bf hanging out and instead prefers her own bf's apartment? My friend was in such situation as her roommates always had random boys hanging out so she started spending more time at college or at her study partner's place to avoid that. She didn't tell her family as they would cause big drama.

[Anonymous]

If all is good next year, she can rent an apartment with her BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think she’s too young to be officially living with some guy. If she gave up her apartment, she’d have no alternative place to go if something happened to their relationship. That’s way too much pressure on a twenty year old.

This 1000%

She needs a safe place to live if the relationship goes sour, or she just wants a few days "alone". You were willing to pay if she was living there, so just let that continue. 20 is way too young to move in with someone, especially while in college.