Managing a 14yo daughter—I need your advice!

[Anonymous]

I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

[Anonymous]

1. She doesn't get friend-phone time until she's completed chores/homework/whatever. Set boundaries.
2. Create a limit on the phone for playing.
3. She and her dad need a weekly thing they do together. Maybe they go put gas in the car, make dinner together, maybe they go to Starbucks, whatever. It doesn't have to be him paying for something for her - it's just time they can count on to be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. She doesn't get friend-phone time until she's completed chores/homework/whatever. Set boundaries.
2. Create a limit on the phone for playing.
3. She and her dad need a weekly thing they do together. Maybe they go put gas in the car, make dinner together, maybe they go to Starbucks, whatever. It doesn't have to be him paying for something for her - it's just time they can count on to be together.

OP here—thanks for your response. When she gets home from school and/or practice, she pretty much requires some downtime, and we give her about an hour. She emerges herself again and then tends to chores, homework, etc. I worry about changing this, since it seems to work.

What’s the consensus on a reasonable amount of time fooling around on her phone? She has it during that hour she decompresses, and likes to talk on it with friends after she showers and before bed. What do you say at this age? Assuming her homework and chores are done, what do you say? Go find something to do?

I really love the 1:1 time with dad suggestion. Thank you for that! Such simple things that can encourage bonding.

[Anonymous]

You can encourage gratitude without being emotional about it. I recommend addressing it after the fact or at the very least, calmly at the point of the incident.
For example, it's morning, everyone is rushing, child acts entitled. Deal with the situation calmly.
Later in the day when everyone is fed and not rushing, say, "I didn't like how you talked to me this morning. I don't mind giving you a ride when you miss the bus (for example) but next time, you could ask in a kinder way."

or

"I didn't like the way you talked to your dad this morning. It would be nice for you to acknowledge his efforts."

And then leave it at that for the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can encourage gratitude without being emotional about it. I recommend addressing it after the fact or at the very least, calmly at the point of the incident.
For example, it's morning, everyone is rushing, child acts entitled. Deal with the situation calmly.
Later in the day when everyone is fed and not rushing, say, "I didn't like how you talked to me this morning. I don't mind giving you a ride when you miss the bus (for example) but next time, you could ask in a kinder way."

or

"I didn't like the way you talked to your dad this morning. It would be nice for you to acknowledge his efforts."

And then leave it at that for the moment.

OP here—thanks for responding. What prompted this post was an event this weekend, and the overreaction that followed.

We spent the afternoon on Sunday shopping for some new fall clothes. Hours at the mall and in dressing rooms, buying clothes she didn’t exactly “need” but wanted. (Think jeans from American Eagle when one’s from Target would suffice.) We got Auntie Ann’s pretzels. A special candle from B&BW. It was a perfectly fun day. As we were leaving, she begged for this Japanese soda from the specialty store. The line was crazy long and I told her no, I wasn’t waiting, and since she didn’t have money of her own to wait, we left. Her attitude turned completely sour and she even ruined our family dinner by pouting and not eating. All because I wouldn’t stand in another line, spending more money on something she didn’t need, after spending the entire day shopping for her. DH and I blew up last night. I feel like I’m at my wits end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

OP, to the piece about butting heads with her dad: Understand and talk to him separately about this. He is experiencing her growing up in a way that you, as her mother, do not and cannot. You note that he didn't have sisters, so he's likely unfamiliar with the hormonal mood swings of young teen girls as well. He is likely transferring this into his sadness and fear that she is really growing up and will soon be out of the house, etc. Help him express that to you so that he recognizes it as his mourning and it's nothing that she is "doing to him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can encourage gratitude without being emotional about it. I recommend addressing it after the fact or at the very least, calmly at the point of the incident.
For example, it's morning, everyone is rushing, child acts entitled. Deal with the situation calmly.
Later in the day when everyone is fed and not rushing, say, "I didn't like how you talked to me this morning. I don't mind giving you a ride when you miss the bus (for example) but next time, you could ask in a kinder way."

or

"I didn't like the way you talked to your dad this morning. It would be nice for you to acknowledge his efforts."

And then leave it at that for the moment.

OP here—thanks for responding. What prompted this post was an event this weekend, and the overreaction that followed.

We spent the afternoon on Sunday shopping for some new fall clothes. Hours at the mall and in dressing rooms, buying clothes she didn’t exactly “need” but wanted. (Think jeans from American Eagle when one’s from Target would suffice.) We got Auntie Ann’s pretzels. A special candle from B&BW. It was a perfectly fun day. As we were leaving, she begged for this Japanese soda from the specialty store. The line was crazy long and I told her no, I wasn’t waiting, and since she didn’t have money of her own to wait, we left. Her attitude turned completely sour and she even ruined our family dinner by pouting and not eating. All because I wouldn’t stand in another line, spending more money on something she didn’t need, after spending the entire day shopping for her. DH and I blew up last night. I feel like I’m at my wits end.

OK so we all agree that her behavior was inappropriate. I like to think that I would have told her at the table that she's free to excuse herself and leave if she cannot pull it together and behave, even just sitting there and not talking, during dinner. If she doesn't eat dinner for one night, so what. She can go to bed hungry; it won't kill her. Tell her this calmly rather than blowing up and ordering her to behave.

[Anonymous]

At 14 give her an hour for playing on the phone (with or without friends) and then an hour for ONLY talking/facetiming with friends before bed. So two hours total.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can encourage gratitude without being emotional about it. I recommend addressing it after the fact or at the very least, calmly at the point of the incident.
For example, it's morning, everyone is rushing, child acts entitled. Deal with the situation calmly.
Later in the day when everyone is fed and not rushing, say, "I didn't like how you talked to me this morning. I don't mind giving you a ride when you miss the bus (for example) but next time, you could ask in a kinder way."

or

"I didn't like the way you talked to your dad this morning. It would be nice for you to acknowledge his efforts."

And then leave it at that for the moment.

OP here—thanks for responding. What prompted this post was an event this weekend, and the overreaction that followed.

We spent the afternoon on Sunday shopping for some new fall clothes. Hours at the mall and in dressing rooms, buying clothes she didn’t exactly “need” but wanted. (Think jeans from American Eagle when one’s from Target would suffice.) We got Auntie Ann’s pretzels. A special candle from B&BW. It was a perfectly fun day. As we were leaving, she begged for this Japanese soda from the specialty store. The line was crazy long and I told her no, I wasn’t waiting, and since she didn’t have money of her own to wait, we left. Her attitude turned completely sour and she even ruined our family dinner by pouting and not eating. All because I wouldn’t stand in another line, spending more money on something she didn’t need, after spending the entire day shopping for her. DH and I blew up last night. I feel like I’m at my wits end.

OK so we all agree that her behavior was inappropriate. I like to think that I would have told her at the table that she's free to excuse herself and leave if she cannot pull it together and behave, even just sitting there and not talking, during dinner. If she doesn't eat dinner for one night, so what. She can go to bed hungry; it won't kill her. Tell her this calmly rather than blowing up and ordering her to behave.

OP here—we let her sit and sulk at the tables we definitely didn’t cater or order her to behave. The blowup came later in the evening at home when the behavior continued. I admit it wasn’t our best moment, either. I want to fix the way we handle her emotions, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can encourage gratitude without being emotional about it. I recommend addressing it after the fact or at the very least, calmly at the point of the incident.
For example, it's morning, everyone is rushing, child acts entitled. Deal with the situation calmly.
Later in the day when everyone is fed and not rushing, say, "I didn't like how you talked to me this morning. I don't mind giving you a ride when you miss the bus (for example) but next time, you could ask in a kinder way."

or

"I didn't like the way you talked to your dad this morning. It would be nice for you to acknowledge his efforts."

And then leave it at that for the moment.

OP here—thanks for responding. What prompted this post was an event this weekend, and the overreaction that followed.

We spent the afternoon on Sunday shopping for some new fall clothes. Hours at the mall and in dressing rooms, buying clothes she didn’t exactly “need” but wanted. (Think jeans from American Eagle when one’s from Target would suffice.) We got Auntie Ann’s pretzels. A special candle from B&BW. It was a perfectly fun day. As we were leaving, she begged for this Japanese soda from the specialty store. The line was crazy long and I told her no, I wasn’t waiting, and since she didn’t have money of her own to wait, we left. Her attitude turned completely sour and she even ruined our family dinner by pouting and not eating. All because I wouldn’t stand in another line, spending more money on something she didn’t need, after spending the entire day shopping for her. DH and I blew up last night. I feel like I’m at my wits end.

OK so we all agree that her behavior was inappropriate. I like to think that I would have told her at the table that she's free to excuse herself and leave if she cannot pull it together and behave, even just sitting there and not talking, during dinner. If she doesn't eat dinner for one night, so what. She can go to bed hungry; it won't kill her. Tell her this calmly rather than blowing up and ordering her to behave.

OP here—we let her sit and sulk at the tables we definitely didn’t cater or order her to behave. The blowup came later in the evening at home when the behavior continued. I admit it wasn’t our best moment, either. I want to fix the way we handle her emotions, too.

Don't beat yourself up about that; we've all done it. Just recognize that she's at an emotionally unstable point now and a lot of it is hormonal. She probably doesn't like her behavior either. When you sense it coming on, just remind yourself to disengage. She's allowed to be in a bad mood, but not to be rude to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

OP, to the piece about butting heads with her dad: Understand and talk to him separately about this. He is experiencing her growing up in a way that you, as her mother, do not and cannot. You note that he didn't have sisters, so he's likely unfamiliar with the hormonal mood swings of young teen girls as well. He is likely transferring this into his sadness and fear that she is really growing up and will soon be out of the house, etc. Help him express that to you so that he recognizes it as his mourning and it's nothing that she is "doing to him."

OP here—it’s 100% this, and he’s admitted this. This is where I struggle, because she’s very much closer to me now, when she was his little buddy when she was younger. He’s very much struggling. I’m torn between wishing she’d show him a little affection, but also don’t want her to think people’s emotions are hers to manage. This is normal separation. In her defense, he could meet her where she is in certain areas (watch movies she likes, show an interest in music she likes, etc) but instead he gets defensive when she turns down something HE likes. They don’t know how to give and take with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

OP, to the piece about butting heads with her dad: Understand and talk to him separately about this. He is experiencing her growing up in a way that you, as her mother, do not and cannot. You note that he didn't have sisters, so he's likely unfamiliar with the hormonal mood swings of young teen girls as well. He is likely transferring this into his sadness and fear that she is really growing up and will soon be out of the house, etc. Help him express that to you so that he recognizes it as his mourning and it's nothing that she is "doing to him."

OP here—it’s 100% this, and he’s admitted this. This is where I struggle, because she’s very much closer to me now, when she was his little buddy when she was younger. He’s very much struggling. I’m torn between wishing she’d show him a little affection, but also don’t want her to think people’s emotions are hers to manage. This is normal separation. In her defense, he could meet her where she is in certain areas (watch movies she likes, show an interest in music she likes, etc) but instead he gets defensive when she turns down something HE likes. They don’t know how to give and take with each other.

My husband was like this. He’d watch something with our kids to spend time with them, but when he’d ask them to watch something he liked, they wouldn’t show interest and he’d be so crushed. In a form of retaliation, he’d refuse to watch their stuff again. It was so childish and I never understood it. Can anyone explain it here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can encourage gratitude without being emotional about it. I recommend addressing it after the fact or at the very least, calmly at the point of the incident.
For example, it's morning, everyone is rushing, child acts entitled. Deal with the situation calmly.
Later in the day when everyone is fed and not rushing, say, "I didn't like how you talked to me this morning. I don't mind giving you a ride when you miss the bus (for example) but next time, you could ask in a kinder way."

or

"I didn't like the way you talked to your dad this morning. It would be nice for you to acknowledge his efforts."

And then leave it at that for the moment.

OP here—thanks for responding. What prompted this post was an event this weekend, and the overreaction that followed.

We spent the afternoon on Sunday shopping for some new fall clothes. Hours at the mall and in dressing rooms, buying clothes she didn’t exactly “need” but wanted. (Think jeans from American Eagle when one’s from Target would suffice.) We got Auntie Ann’s pretzels. A special candle from B&BW. It was a perfectly fun day. As we were leaving, she begged for this Japanese soda from the specialty store. The line was crazy long and I told her no, I wasn’t waiting, and since she didn’t have money of her own to wait, we left. Her attitude turned completely sour and she even ruined our family dinner by pouting and not eating. All because I wouldn’t stand in another line, spending more money on something she didn’t need, after spending the entire day shopping for her. DH and I blew up last night. I feel like I’m at my wits end.

OK so we all agree that her behavior was inappropriate. I like to think that I would have told her at the table that she's free to excuse herself and leave if she cannot pull it together and behave, even just sitting there and not talking, during dinner. If she doesn't eat dinner for one night, so what. She can go to bed hungry; it won't kill her. Tell her this calmly rather than blowing up and ordering her to behave.

OP here—we let her sit and sulk at the tables we definitely didn’t cater or order her to behave. The blowup came later in the evening at home when the behavior continued. I admit it wasn’t our best moment, either. I want to fix the way we handle her emotions, too.

I agree don't beat yourself up. It's very hard not to lose your cool.

What works best with my teens is completely ignore the pouting/sulking and then when the moment has passed, have the conversation and say the hard things. Next time before you go shopping or embark on some really nice thing for her, lay out some expectations up front too.

I have one teen who is just more hard wired to be grateful and has better instincts in this area. My other kid is harder. Same household. Same parents. It's kind of basic math and I have said this to my kids very explicitly. Dad and I want to do nice things for you. We enjoy it. It makes us happy to do things for you. When you treat us like crap, it feels bad and we are less inclined to do nice things for you. Outside of our family, other people will not always give you a second chance when you treat them like crap. We always will but you need to know this is not how functional and healthy relationships work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

OP, to the piece about butting heads with her dad: Understand and talk to him separately about this. He is experiencing her growing up in a way that you, as her mother, do not and cannot. You note that he didn't have sisters, so he's likely unfamiliar with the hormonal mood swings of young teen girls as well. He is likely transferring this into his sadness and fear that she is really growing up and will soon be out of the house, etc. Help him express that to you so that he recognizes it as his mourning and it's nothing that she is "doing to him."

OP here—it’s 100% this, and he’s admitted this. This is where I struggle, because she’s very much closer to me now, when she was his little buddy when she was younger. He’s very much struggling. I’m torn between wishing she’d show him a little affection, but also don’t want her to think people’s emotions are hers to manage. This is normal separation. In her defense, he could meet her where she is in certain areas (watch movies she likes, show an interest in music she likes, etc) but instead he gets defensive when she turns down something HE likes. They don’t know how to give and take with each other.

My husband was like this. He’d watch something with our kids to spend time with them, but when he’d ask them to watch something he liked, they wouldn’t show interest and he’d be so crushed. In a form of retaliation, he’d refuse to watch their stuff again. It was so childish and I never understood it. Can anyone explain it here?

Yes, this part of the dynamic, your DH just needs to grow up and get over it. I'd explain it by saying some men have giant egos and it's always been about them.

With teens, you have to meet them where their interests are and no, they don't want to do/watch what you like. So normal.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this child an only?

This sounds like a lot of focus and attention on the kid which is why I wonder.

You all need to give her and the relationship more space and have faith she will come back to you.