Managing a 14yo daughter—I need your advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read books by Lisa DAmour. Especially Untangled. Highlight parts to show your dh if he won’t read it himself. This is very normal, though of course infuriating. Lots of good advice in that book.

+1. My husband’s feelings have been so, so hurt by her pulling away. But he then pulls away too so it is a race to the bottom. Two things have helped a lot. First, encouraging him to spend time with her in ways they can both enjoy. He did a music festival with her, her best friend and the best friend’s dad. They turned a corner a bit. And I’ve asked him to read Untangled. He has been surprised by how insightful the book is and it helps him understand what is happening with her.

[Anonymous]

Could be describing my family with DD15 andbDH. It’s very common. Even the what to watch on TV, or eating a dinner he made. It’s a very hard phase and frankly can’t wait for this one to end. High stress for everyone. He has his own issues which doesn’t help, but does care and tries his best. She is a great kid but her mouth can be astounding. It’s hard to just walk away, trust me.
OP, you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can encourage gratitude without being emotional about it. I recommend addressing it after the fact or at the very least, calmly at the point of the incident.
For example, it's morning, everyone is rushing, child acts entitled. Deal with the situation calmly.
Later in the day when everyone is fed and not rushing, say, "I didn't like how you talked to me this morning. I don't mind giving you a ride when you miss the bus (for example) but next time, you could ask in a kinder way."

or

"I didn't like the way you talked to your dad this morning. It would be nice for you to acknowledge his efforts."

And then leave it at that for the moment.

OP here—thanks for responding. What prompted this post was an event this weekend, and the overreaction that followed.

We spent the afternoon on Sunday shopping for some new fall clothes. Hours at the mall and in dressing rooms, buying clothes she didn’t exactly “need” but wanted. (Think jeans from American Eagle when one’s from Target would suffice.) We got Auntie Ann’s pretzels. A special candle from B&BW. It was a perfectly fun day. As we were leaving, she begged for this Japanese soda from the specialty store. The line was crazy long and I told her no, I wasn’t waiting, and since she didn’t have money of her own to wait, we left. Her attitude turned completely sour and she even ruined our family dinner by pouting and not eating. All because I wouldn’t stand in another line, spending more money on something she didn’t need, after spending the entire day shopping for her. DH and I blew up last night. I feel like I’m at my wits end.

OK so we all agree that her behavior was inappropriate. I like to think that I would have told her at the table that she's free to excuse herself and leave if she cannot pull it together and behave, even just sitting there and not talking, during dinner. If she doesn't eat dinner for one night, so what. She can go to bed hungry; it won't kill her. Tell her this calmly rather than blowing up and ordering her to behave.

OP here—we let her sit and sulk at the tables we definitely didn’t cater or order her to behave. The blowup came later in the evening at home when the behavior continued. I admit it wasn’t our best moment, either. I want to fix the way we handle her emotions, too.

I've had my DDs react that way a few times and I make them say it out loud why they're upset so they hear how ridiculous they are. And then say that sounds like something Larla would do, who is a neighbor they think is very spoiled. Sometimes it comes out they aren't mad about the drink itself, but because of something else the drink represents.

You've gotten a lot of good advice so far. I'd also suggest adding a regular weekly dinner out with a theme, like eat at all Italian restaurants or try something new.

[Anonymous]

No phone in the bedroom. No phone after 9 or latest 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read books by Lisa DAmour. Especially Untangled. Highlight parts to show your dh if he won’t read it himself. This is very normal, though of course infuriating. Lots of good advice in that book.

+1. My husband’s feelings have been so, so hurt by her pulling away. But he then pulls away too so it is a race to the bottom. Two things have helped a lot. First, encouraging him to spend time with her in ways they can both enjoy. He did a music festival with her, her best friend and the best friend’s dad. They turned a corner a bit. And I’ve asked him to read Untangled. He has been surprised by how insightful the book is and it helps him understand what is happening with her.

Np. DH struggling with the same with our 15yo. It actually really surprises me. He's the fun parent, kind, patient, funny. I'm the boring nag. But I just spend more time with her and she's a lot like me. As mad as she gets at me, she is cruel and dismissive of him. It's so bizarre to me.

[Anonymous]

Remind your DH that he is still the most influential man in her life. She will base her expectations on future men by the way he treats her. Your DH might have to work a little harder right now to find common ground, but it will be worth it. To the pp who mentioned the music festival—great idea!

[Anonymous]

I have a 14 yo DD and my H also only had brothers. It took a bit of time for him to realize that he can’t take some of the drama personally. Disrespect - obviously that’s not acceptable and requires addressing. I agree with PP that they need to do something together. Mine tend to go eat together. Or if she has a soccer game far away he likes to take her to get the one one one time in the car. He coaches our son’s sport so he ends up spending more time with him.

I spend a lot of time with my daughter because we do her other sport together and it’s been interesting because as a teen I was much closer to my dad than my mom. So I’m always surprised when she actively tries to spend time with me.

I don’t k ow about anyone else but I hear my teen self in her sometimes and I remember that feeling of having a good day at school but getting in the car and biting my parents head off just because I was tired and cranky.