Managing a 14yo daughter—I need your advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

OP, to the piece about butting heads with her dad: Understand and talk to him separately about this. He is experiencing her growing up in a way that you, as her mother, do not and cannot. You note that he didn't have sisters, so he's likely unfamiliar with the hormonal mood swings of young teen girls as well. He is likely transferring this into his sadness and fear that she is really growing up and will soon be out of the house, etc. Help him express that to you so that he recognizes it as his mourning and it's nothing that she is "doing to him."

OP here—it’s 100% this, and he’s admitted this. This is where I struggle, because she’s very much closer to me now, when she was his little buddy when she was younger. He’s very much struggling. I’m torn between wishing she’d show him a little affection, but also don’t want her to think people’s emotions are hers to manage. This is normal separation. In her defense, he could meet her where she is in certain areas (watch movies she likes, show an interest in music she likes, etc) but instead he gets defensive when she turns down something HE likes. They don’t know how to give and take with each other.

PP again. This is very, very common and is simply a fact of life. Blame biology, blame society, whatever you think, but little girls are wired to separate from their mothers at a young age as they explore their own identities. That she was close to her dad then is healthy and normal, as she learned important lessons about how men in her life who love her should behave. But as she grows up, she will start applying those lessons to other "men" (which no doubt your husband realizes is coming and is freaking him out!), and re-connecting with her mother, who shows her how to be an adult woman. It's all normal and natural and beautiful if you think about it, but very hard to live in the day to day.

Tell dad he's done a good job. But she's growing up and he needs to change his parenting style. It's not about him. Being her "buddy" is no longer appropriate. He needs to step back and let her relationship with mom blossom and, as you say, make an effort to meet her where she is.

If it makes him feel better, this dynamic will continue to change as she grows up. He'll have his moment again, although it will look different than it did when she was little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

OP, to the piece about butting heads with her dad: Understand and talk to him separately about this. He is experiencing her growing up in a way that you, as her mother, do not and cannot. You note that he didn't have sisters, so he's likely unfamiliar with the hormonal mood swings of young teen girls as well. He is likely transferring this into his sadness and fear that she is really growing up and will soon be out of the house, etc. Help him express that to you so that he recognizes it as his mourning and it's nothing that she is "doing to him."

OP here—it’s 100% this, and he’s admitted this. This is where I struggle, because she’s very much closer to me now, when she was his little buddy when she was younger. He’s very much struggling. I’m torn between wishing she’d show him a little affection, but also don’t want her to think people’s emotions are hers to manage. This is normal separation. In her defense, he could meet her where she is in certain areas (watch movies she likes, show an interest in music she likes, etc) but instead he gets defensive when she turns down something HE likes. They don’t know how to give and take with each other.

My husband was like this. He’d watch something with our kids to spend time with them, but when he’d ask them to watch something he liked, they wouldn’t show interest and he’d be so crushed. In a form of retaliation, he’d refuse to watch their stuff again. It was so childish and I never understood it. Can anyone explain it here?

This is Parenting Lesson 101. It's not about you.

Yes, this is childish behavior on his part and he needs to own that and do better. But it's also something a lot of men have a problem with. They are used to being king of the universe in a thousand micro ways that women don't experience. Repeat lesson one when it comes to parenting. It's no longer about you.

[Anonymous]

As her mother, I feel the most crucial step you need to take immediately is to take your headstrong daughter to the doctor and get her on birth control. Could be her pediatrician or your gynecologist, but you need to do that right away.

Stubborn teen girls will not listen to you (or anyone) later; and later could be too late! Probably not the advice you wanted but it’s crucially important advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As her mother, I feel the most crucial step you need to take immediately is to take your headstrong daughter to the doctor and get her on birth control. Could be her pediatrician or your gynecologist, but you need to do that right away.

Stubborn teen girls will not listen to you (or anyone) later; and later could be too late! Probably not the advice you wanted but it’s crucially important advice.

Completely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Read books by Lisa DAmour. Especially Untangled. Highlight parts to show your dh if he won’t read it himself. This is very normal, though of course infuriating. Lots of good advice in that book.

[Anonymous]

Don't focus on her unpleasant behavior. You can point it out at a neutral time but if you focus on it, it will become a "thing." Same with your DH. If he wants to spend time with her, do it on her terms and praise her for being pleasant.
Good behavior should, ideally, be its own reward. Most people don't like feeling like an a++hole and will work to stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

When our DD was about 5, I took a video on my phone of what I thought was her crossing the monkey bars by herself but when rewatching it, it's a video of my DH hovering around her as she crossed because he was so scared she would fall. The hover was appropriate when she was 3 but she could do it at 5 alone. I bring up this video every so often to remind him that their relationship (and mine!) is changing as she grows so just give her a little space and she'll get there on her own.

OP - sounds like yesterday was a particularly tough day! Everyone gets to reset today and move on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. She doesn't get friend-phone time until she's completed chores/homework/whatever. Set boundaries.
2. Create a limit on the phone for playing.
3. She and her dad need a weekly thing they do together. Maybe they go put gas in the car, make dinner together, maybe they go to Starbucks, whatever. It doesn't have to be him paying for something for her - it's just time they can count on to be together.

OP here—thanks for your response. When she gets home from school and/or practice, she pretty much requires some downtime, and we give her about an hour. She emerges herself again and then tends to chores, homework, etc. I worry about changing this, since it seems to work.

What’s the consensus on a reasonable amount of time fooling around on her phone? She has it during that hour she decompresses, and likes to talk on it with friends after she showers and before bed. What do you say at this age? Assuming her homework and chores are done, what do you say? Go find something to do?

I really love the 1:1 time with dad suggestion. Thank you for that! Such simple things that can encourage bonding.

Downtime with a phone isn't really downtime. All that social media and the dopamine is stressing her out. Suggest that she finds something else to do for that hour after school (and it may not end up being an hour once she does not have the phone to distract her and keep her hooked).

[Anonymous]

I would not force family outings at this point. It’s a phase. Mandate certain chores and limit screens to your family rules. But this is a tough time. My oldest went through it and was much more pleasant by 16.

Our youngest is a 14 yo girl now and it is just awful. I keep reminding DH to talk less. I tell her screaming and slamming doors is not acceptable. She was never like this before, her entire life, but we have been through this once before.

[Anonymous]

Your DH should understand that this is normal for girls to be closer to their mothers. If he wanted the same he should have had a son. It seems he doesn’t understand basic social/biological realities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH should understand that this is normal for girls to be closer to their mothers. If he wanted the same he should have had a son. It seems he doesn’t understand basic social/biological realities.

How does one “have a son” like you can just go down to Babies R Us and pick the blue one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

Get out of the house and do things with her that you both might like. Get away from the phones.

[Anonymous]

I’m 16:34 and coming back to say my 14 DD had a rough evening. It was nothing with us but something else where she was upset with some drama. I listened for a little, tried to be comforting, she yelled at me but wasn’t too bad, more just venting, then went to shower. She came back out a little while ago to talk a bit more and now is in her room, on her phone. I’m fine with that because texting friends and mindless scrolling is what she needs. Her older sibling and DH took my advice and stayed away. I don’t always take a hard line on screens these days and let her blow off stream. These years are a rollercoaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 16:34 and coming back to say my 14 DD had a rough evening. It was nothing with us but something else where she was upset with some drama. I listened for a little, tried to be comforting, she yelled at me but wasn’t too bad, more just venting, then went to shower. She came back out a little while ago to talk a bit more and now is in her room, on her phone. I’m fine with that because texting friends and mindless scrolling is what she needs. Her older sibling and DH took my advice and stayed away. I don’t always take a hard line on screens these days and let her blow off stream. These years are a rollercoaster.

She needs a release. Exercise, BF, something.

[Anonymous]

My DD is a little younger (pre-teen) and I am trying hard to convince my husband to take her lead more on things she’s interested in. I also have a son, and it’s easy for DH and DS to play and watch sports together but DD and I are not really sporty, though I will run for exercise.

But I am happy to throw/kick balls around with my son for hours and will watch some of his favorite teams. my DD has noticed this. We have ton of overlap in our interests so I do a lot of things with both of them so it’s very noticeable that DH doesn’t do things she likes often. It has taken a lot of thinking and trying stuff but now they both love doing The NY Times games together (Wordle, but also others, like strands and connections). They really enjoy it. I still think he should express more interest in her passions but it helps them to have some positive interactions and not just all the drama. But I worry she’s seeing that I as a woman am flexible and her dad is not.