Retirement finances in an age-gap relationship or marriage

[Anonymous]

Please suspend snarky comments about age gap relationships and "nurses with purses" etc. I want to consider honest takes about financial fairness about retirement savings when one partner will be around considerably longer than the other, most likely.

Both of us make roughly the same amount of money, but he has more expenses than I do because he has kids and I don't have or want kids. I'm still chipping away at my student loans and have a plan to pay them off in 10-12 years, he has kids plus some medical expenses he's still paying off, and that leaves a couple grand a month to put in a HYSA for near-future home expenses in 3-5 years. But here's the thing... I max out my 401K, he puts in the minimum to get the company match and that's it. But I feel bad about the "his money is our money, my money is my money" dynamic. His target retirement date is 15 years before mine, so essentially, I am his retirement plan (and that's OK - I am happy to be the breadwinner at some point if I end up out-earning him in a few years). But in the late 2050s, I will have this huge wad of cash that I presumably will get to enjoy a lot longer than he will. Is that fair? Putting aside the likelihood based on the millennial generation's bad luck that we have a market crash in 2055 and all my retirement savings will be worth didlly squat, but I digress.

The TLDR of it, we are a GenX/millennial couple with middle-upper-middle incomes that look good on paper but are only just now getting our financial footing. I took a while to get my career going in stride, and he had some financial setbacks with kids and medical expenses but together we're on the path to a decent standard of living. But retirement is the ethical question here.

[Anonymous]

If he still is in debt and is Gen X, he can't afford to retire. Basically you're looking at having a SAH spouse, can you afford that?

Given the differences in your ages, you aren't really making the same amount of money because he is at the pinnacle of his career/earnings, while you still have career and income growth. Plus he's not saving much. So again basically he doesn't earn enough to retire.

I am all for combining finances in a marriage but in your case I don't think that's a great idea. It sounds like he's got no retirement but wants to retire anyway.

[Anonymous]

so his ex helped put him through med school then he dumped her for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so his ex helped put him through med school then he dumped her for you?

No. He has kids (teenage, almost adults) that just cost money in general, and had his own medical expense with a surprise bill that he is paying off. Manageable, but sucks in the short term. The ex has no money, basically nothing at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he still is in debt and is Gen X, he can't afford to retire. Basically you're looking at having a SAH spouse, can you afford that?

Given the differences in your ages, you aren't really making the same amount of money because he is at the pinnacle of his career/earnings, while you still have career and income growth. Plus he's not saving much. So again basically he doesn't earn enough to retire.

I am all for combining finances in a marriage but in your case I don't think that's a great idea. It sounds like he's got no retirement but wants to retire anyway.

He knows he can't retire soon, and is pretty indispensable at his work, so he'll likely work until 70. Whereas I - unless something really bad happens - am on pace to retire at 67 and while not GREAT, am catching up pretty decently so that I should have a healthy enough retirement fund for myself in 30 years. Our financial strategy is stick to the budget and don't get laid off.

[Anonymous]

1. Aggressively pay off your student loans first. They are considered your separate debt since they predated marriage. As he has financial obligations related to choices he made to have kids before you two met, so do you with student loan debt. If I were you, I'd throw everything you've got after maxing out your 401k into your student loans.

2. Don't become his sugar momma. The bottom line is that he can't retire until he has enough to cover his retirement expenses. Because he's been irresponsible with money, you two will probably have to retire simultaneously. Maybe when he's 70 and you're whatever. Don't be a martyr because he didn't save.

[Anonymous]

Consider speaking to a financial expert. It's possible he should be putting all his money into retirement (since he will retire sooner), you use your money to pay off his loans and then when he kicks the bucket, you will be entitled to his Social Security - if it exists by then since DOGE uploaded all your data to an insecure server (but I digress).

[Anonymous]

All of that assuming you still will be married to him by then. Things happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider speaking to a financial expert. It's possible he should be putting all his money into retirement (since he will retire sooner), you use your money to pay off his loans and then when he kicks the bucket, you will be entitled to his Social Security - if it exists by then since DOGE uploaded all your data to an insecure server (but I digress).

No, this is terrible advice. OP should not stop contributing her 401k. He'll probably leave most of "his" money to his kids when he dies, regardless of any empty promises made now, so she's got to prepare for her own future. She should cover her equitable share of their expenses as a couple (so if they make the same, 50%), and with the remaining, max out her 401k and aggressively pay down her loan. He's been divorced once, so the odds are not in their favor. Don't ignore reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider speaking to a financial expert. It's possible he should be putting all his money into retirement (since he will retire sooner), you use your money to pay off his loans and then when he kicks the bucket, you will be entitled to his Social Security - if it exists by then since DOGE uploaded all your data to an insecure server (but I digress).

No, this is terrible advice. OP should not stop contributing her 401k. He'll probably leave most of "his" money to his kids when he dies, regardless of any empty promises made now, so she's got to prepare for her own future. She should cover her equitable share of their expenses as a couple (so if they make the same, 50%), and with the remaining, max out her 401k and aggressively pay down her loan. He's been divorced once, so the odds are not in their favor. Don't ignore reality.

A few things here...

Nobody is perfect. If anything, I've probably been less financially responsible than he has, because I was young and dumb. He is an immigrant who had to work himself his way up and has had setbacks. Medical emergencies are not being financially irresponsible. Divorce, his first marriage, maybe. But I love his kids. We're not DCUM perfect, but we're normal people with normal people problems. Together we make just under $300K. We can do this. I think we've got a good plan with throwing money at debt, throwing money at high yield savings, living within our means the rest of the way, but I still feel "selfish" for putting so much money into my own retirement when the two of us need the money in our lives now. I chose to take out a student loan to go to an elite university. He didn't choose to get injured with crappy insurance. I paid off a lot of my loan during the pandemic, got ahead of schedule, and now have a plan to pay it off in 10 years rather than 25. I could pay it in 7, but then we wouldn't be able to throw enough into our HYSA and buy a house, which we feel is more important. But yeah maxing out my 401K is my gift to my future self, but it does feel kind of selfish.

[Anonymous]

It’s not selfish to save for the future.

We have an age gap and the bulk of our retirement savings are invested with an eye for his retirement age, but I have some through my job that are invested more aggressively since I am likely to live longer and will need money further into the future.

You need to be careful and prudent here. It’s quite rare for men to work till 70. They tend to get laid off or have health problems that make working too hard. I have seen this over and over. It’s great if he can but you need to have a plan B.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't seem that different to me than most other marriages where some people have better earning capacity and some people generate more costs and some people are predicted to live longer due to gender or medical issues or whatever. I think you just keep doing what you're doing. If you'd rather he put more into the 401k rather than going out to dinner or upgrading your kitchen or whatever, then you should tell him that. The money for his kids is just a fixed cost, so that's not wiggle room. Once you get to the retirement, you should plan on your own longevity and try to make the money last to account for that. You never know -- you could get cancer and be dead at 60 and he could live to 105. But it's smart to figure you will live to 95 and budget accordingly. If he wants to spend it all in retirement cruising the world when he's 80 and you are 65 or whatever, that's not going to be a smart decision.

Definitely keep maxing out your 401k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider speaking to a financial expert. It's possible he should be putting all his money into retirement (since he will retire sooner), you use your money to pay off his loans and then when he kicks the bucket, you will be entitled to his Social Security - if it exists by then since DOGE uploaded all your data to an insecure server (but I digress).

No, this is terrible advice. OP should not stop contributing her 401k. He'll probably leave most of "his" money to his kids when he dies, regardless of any empty promises made now, so she's got to prepare for her own future. She should cover her equitable share of their expenses as a couple (so if they make the same, 50%), and with the remaining, max out her 401k and aggressively pay down her loan. He's been divorced once, so the odds are not in their favor. Don't ignore reality.

A few things here...

Nobody is perfect. If anything, I've probably been less financially responsible than he has, because I was young and dumb. He is an immigrant who had to work himself his way up and has had setbacks. Medical emergencies are not being financially irresponsible. Divorce, his first marriage, maybe. But I love his kids. We're not DCUM perfect, but we're normal people with normal people problems. Together we make just under $300K. We can do this. I think we've got a good plan with throwing money at debt, throwing money at high yield savings, living within our means the rest of the way, but I still feel "selfish" for putting so much money into my own retirement when the two of us need the money in our lives now. I chose to take out a student loan to go to an elite university. He didn't choose to get injured with crappy insurance. I paid off a lot of my loan during the pandemic, got ahead of schedule, and now have a plan to pay it off in 10 years rather than 25. I could pay it in 7, but then we wouldn't be able to throw enough into our HYSA and buy a house, which we feel is more important. But yeah maxing out my 401K is my gift to my future self, but it does feel kind of selfish.

Research shows that women live longer on average but often have smaller retirement savings. Prioritizing your student loan payments and retirement savings is the right move. You and your husband can just retire together and enjoy a few years before he's too old to do anything with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not selfish to save for the future.

We have an age gap and the bulk of our retirement savings are invested with an eye for his retirement age, but I have some through my job that are invested more aggressively since I am likely to live longer and will need money further into the future.

You need to be careful and prudent here. It’s quite rare for men to work till 70. They tend to get laid off or have health problems that make working too hard. I have seen this over and over. It’s great if he can but you need to have a plan B.

We have an age gap, and I have always maxed out my 401k, starting with my first real job, before we even met, and continuing throughout our marriage. We will likely retire at the same age, as I am a more disciplined saver and investor. I don't feel selfish at all. Early in our marriage, I tried to get DH on a better track, but he was resistant and preferred a his/hers/ours system. The age gap is effectively moot for retirement planning, as I've been a more successful investor. He has had a higher earned income for most of our marriage, and I've benefited from a nicer home and vacations.

[Anonymous]

He has you to fund his retirement. Who’s going to do the same for you?