Retirement finances in an age-gap relationship or marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so his ex helped put him through med school then he dumped her for you?

No. He has kids (teenage, almost adults) that just cost money in general, and had his own medical expense with a surprise bill that he is paying off. Manageable, but sucks in the short term. The ex has no money, basically nothing at all.

Where does it say med school? If he's a doctor they end up working until death usually age 80

It doesn’t. “Medical expense” does not usually mean medical school.

[Anonymous]

How old is he, how much does he make, and what's his net worth?

I'm the younger one in a 12-year age gap marriage. I'm also very familiar with the financial setbacks that comes with kids from a previous marriage. I was told that college was being completely taken care of by the ex, and now I'm told that her money ran out and so now my husband has shelled out $50k for the tuition balance and also pays $600 per month for an off-campus apartment. That's all money that could have gone to a house down payment. Super aggravating due to their poor planning.

I'm interested in retiring early, but I've never thought of it as me funding my husband's retirement. If anything, we'd be looking to retire at around the same time, and he would be funding MY retirement, because he can access his pre-tax money earlier at 59 1/2. We'd use my money in a later phase.

We've always kept our money separate. I don't pay any expenses for his previous kid. I've never felt guilty for a second for being able to save thousands per month, while he couldn't. Keep splitting shared expenses only based on how much each person makes.

Also, is he amenable to improving his finances? I am financially savvy and my husband is a "normie". Just saved in the 401k with sporadic savings when there was money leftover. Money for his kid was saved in a savings account, ugh. For me, it was a prerequisite he was open to changing his ways before marriage. Basically, he lets me take control of all of his accounts and I do everything finance related. His money is working a lot harder now that I've set up Roth IRAs, brokerage accounts, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is he, how much does he make, and what's his net worth?

I'm the younger one in a 12-year age gap marriage. I'm also very familiar with the financial setbacks that comes with kids from a previous marriage. I was told that college was being completely taken care of by the ex, and now I'm told that her money ran out and so now my husband has shelled out $50k for the tuition balance and also pays $600 per month for an off-campus apartment. That's all money that could have gone to a house down payment. Super aggravating due to their poor planning.

I'm interested in retiring early, but I've never thought of it as me funding my husband's retirement. If anything, we'd be looking to retire at around the same time, and he would be funding MY retirement, because he can access his pre-tax money earlier at 59 1/2. We'd use my money in a later phase.

We've always kept our money separate. I don't pay any expenses for his previous kid. I've never felt guilty for a second for being able to save thousands per month, while he couldn't. Keep splitting shared expenses only based on how much each person makes.

Also, is he amenable to improving his finances? I am financially savvy and my husband is a "normie". Just saved in the 401k with sporadic savings when there was money leftover. Money for his kid was saved in a savings account, ugh. For me, it was a prerequisite he was open to changing his ways before marriage. Basically, he lets me take control of all of his accounts and I do everything finance related. His money is working a lot harder now that I've set up Roth IRAs, brokerage accounts, etc.

One way to bridge the gap is to fund a brokerage account to draw down from the date of your retirement until the date you can access your pre-tax money at 59 1/2. I've tried to match 401k contributions with brokerage account contributions.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to a lawyer about how to protect your assets if he needs long term care. It's really expensive, and as long as you have assets, you can't access Medicaid. That means you could end up spending all of your money for him to live in a memory care unit for years and years. Then you live out the rest of your life alone and broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a lawyer about how to protect your assets if he needs long term care. It's really expensive, and as long as you have assets, you can't access Medicaid. That means you could end up spending all of your money for him to live in a memory care unit for years and years. Then you live out the rest of your life alone and broke.

What, short of divorce, can she even do to protect her assets if he needs long-term care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a lawyer about how to protect your assets if he needs long term care. It's really expensive, and as long as you have assets, you can't access Medicaid. That means you could end up spending all of your money for him to live in a memory care unit for years and years. Then you live out the rest of your life alone and broke.

oof.. this would be brutal. But, medicaid doesn't take the primary residence if other spouse is still living in it. OP, you need to protect your assets.

Honestly, the finance issue for marriages with a large age gap is complicated, even more so if you throw in kids from the previous marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a lawyer about how to protect your assets if he needs long term care. It's really expensive, and as long as you have assets, you can't access Medicaid. That means you could end up spending all of your money for him to live in a memory care unit for years and years. Then you live out the rest of your life alone and broke.

What, short of divorce, can she even do to protect her assets if he needs long-term care?

LTC insurance. I have two friends in their 60s that just bought plans to safeguard their retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a lawyer about how to protect your assets if he needs long term care. It's really expensive, and as long as you have assets, you can't access Medicaid. That means you could end up spending all of your money for him to live in a memory care unit for years and years. Then you live out the rest of your life alone and broke.

What, short of divorce, can she even do to protect her assets if he needs long-term care?

LTC insurance. I have two friends in their 60s that just bought plans to safeguard their retirement.

It's a good idea, but read the entire policy carefully as it is complex and includes many exclusions and waiting periods. Does anyone here have any positive experience using them when needed?

[Anonymous]

I'd rather divorce and just cohabitate if you want to stay together. This is way too risky for your finances IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke the bad news to my 13-years-older husband years. He thought I'd just continue working and retire 13 years later than he does, so he felt no pressure to earn and save more.

He made some bad financial decisions, despite working in finance (apparently a common story). I helped straight us out, have worked fulltime at the office, done most of the child/house/social/renovations/eldercare/mental work of the family. He works from home and earns more than me, but has a much easier pace and hours and perks like golf with clients.

I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly.

I told him -- and our financial planner -- that I will quit the very same day that he quits, and we'll live on whatever we have. And I'm dead serious. He got more motivated, and is hustling to build our savings. And he adjusted his retirement age to two years later.

Wow, your story is strikingly similar to mine and I have said the same thing. He's not drawing down marital assets to golf while I work a job I don't love. I am not working a day longer than he is; end of story. What it means is that he’ll retire relatively late and I’ll retire early, like 50/63ish.

50-63 is a pretty big range. Is that a typo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a lawyer about how to protect your assets if he needs long term care. It's really expensive, and as long as you have assets, you can't access Medicaid. That means you could end up spending all of your money for him to live in a memory care unit for years and years. Then you live out the rest of your life alone and broke.

What, short of divorce, can she even do to protect her assets if he needs long-term care?

LTC insurance. I have two friends in their 60s that just bought plans to safeguard their retirement.

It's a good idea, but read the entire policy carefully as it is complex and includes many exclusions and waiting periods. Does anyone here have any positive experience using them when needed?

Yes, both my MIL (accidental fall with TBI) and FIL (Alzheimers) used their policies and needed them for 3 and 4 years, respectively. They would have been in dire straits otherwise. MIL received care in a board and care home and FIL was in a memory unit at Sunrise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke the bad news to my 13-years-older husband years. He thought I'd just continue working and retire 13 years later than he does, so he felt no pressure to earn and save more.

He made some bad financial decisions, despite working in finance (apparently a common story). I helped straight us out, have worked fulltime at the office, done most of the child/house/social/renovations/eldercare/mental work of the family. He works from home and earns more than me, but has a much easier pace and hours and perks like golf with clients.

I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly.

I told him -- and our financial planner -- that I will quit the very same day that he quits, and we'll live on whatever we have. And I'm dead serious. He got more motivated, and is hustling to build our savings. And he adjusted his retirement age to two years later.

Wow, your story is strikingly similar to mine and I have said the same thing. He's not drawing down marital assets to golf while I work a job I don't love. I am not working a day longer than he is; end of story. What it means is that he’ll retire relatively late and I’ll retire early, like 50/63ish.

50-63 is a pretty big range. Is that a typo?

It's not 50-63, its one being 50 and one being 63.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think your age gap is that big a factor in your financial planning. I think the fact that he has kids and you don't is a bigger deal.

Especially if he isn't done "launching" them - college, weddings, whatever.

Also the fact that you guys aren't homeowners (especially him at his age/stage of life).

Nothing is "bad" but I think it is a little more complicated than just "he'll retire earlier than I do". You guys have some major financial differences from before the marriage. Him - kids. You - large student loan.

Personally I suggest you both focus intensively on your separate "liabilities". Him - his kids. You- your student loans. Pay those off first/get through the college years. Then figure out the home buying situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But in the late 2050s, I will have this huge wad of cash that I presumably will get to enjoy a lot longer than he will. Is that fair?

So what are you thinking will happen when your husband retires, but you are still working?

He'll have his Social Security, possibly a pension?, and some income from his (small) investments. You'll have your income from your job.

Will that be enough to pay the mortgage, buy the groceries, and do whatever it is you guys want to do? Are you worried that when he retires you won't be able to save as much for later, because you will need it to live off of?

[Anonymous]

The only reason a woman should ever get married is if there's a giant, guaranteed, financial incentive for her. Otherwise it's just too risky. Add in his kids and the age gap and this just doesn't seem worth it. I agree with the person who says to divorce and cohabitate.