Retirement finances in an age-gap relationship or marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep finances seperate as you are not responsible for his kids. You contribute to the household for your share of the expenses.

Doesn't matter if they are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His target retirement date is 15 years before mine, so essentially, I am his retirement plan.

Gag.

He sounds financially irresponsible. Do not marry someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Why would you be the unpaid caregiver? That expense should factor into your retirement planning. What if he develops dementia? You'll end up putting him in memory care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Aggressively pay off your student loans first. They are considered your separate debt since they predated marriage. As he has financial obligations related to choices he made to have kids before you two met, so do you with student loan debt. If I were you, I'd throw everything you've got after maxing out your 401k into your student loans.

2. Don't become his sugar momma. The bottom line is that he can't retire until he has enough to cover his retirement expenses. Because he's been irresponsible with money, you two will probably have to retire simultaneously. Maybe when he's 70 and you're whatever. Don't be a martyr because he didn't save.

+1

[Anonymous]

Every guy I know with a ex and kids who marries younger second wife has these issues except the rich ones.

[Anonymous]

How old is this guy that he STILL doesn't own a home? Why on earth would you sink your own money into this other guys house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His target retirement date is 15 years before mine, so essentially, I am his retirement plan.

Gag.

He sounds financially irresponsible. Do not marry someone like this.

They are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not selfish to save for the future.

We have an age gap and the bulk of our retirement savings are invested with an eye for his retirement age, but I have some through my job that are invested more aggressively since I am likely to live longer and will need money further into the future.

You need to be careful and prudent here. It’s quite rare for men to work till 70. They tend to get laid off or have health problems that make working too hard. I have seen this over and over. It’s great if he can but you need to have a plan B.

Add in that he's already had health issues that have nearly bankrupted him. This guy is looking for a young sugar momma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His target retirement date is 15 years before mine, so essentially, I am his retirement plan.

Gag.

He sounds financially irresponsible. Do not marry someone like this.

They are married.

I was hoping they weren't, since the title says relationship OR marriage. If she's already married to this sinking anchor slightly different...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep finances seperate as you are not responsible for his kids. You contribute to the household for your share of the expenses.

Doesn't matter if they are married.

Of course it does. It matters within their marriage (power of the purse), it matters if they get a divorce, and it matters when he most likely dies first. In planning for all three scenarios, OP needs to keep her savings separate and prioritize paying off her debt. Also, he doesn't get to retire first if he doesn't have enough retirement funds to cover his share of living expenses. In no event should OP give him a free ride by covering more than her share of their joint costs so that he can enjoy a life of leisure while she is working. Then, when she's finally ready to retire herself, he's too old to do anything with her and needs her to be his caregiver. F that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider speaking to a financial expert. It's possible he should be putting all his money into retirement (since he will retire sooner), you use your money to pay off his loans and then when he kicks the bucket, you will be entitled to his Social Security - if it exists by then since DOGE uploaded all your data to an insecure server (but I digress).

No, this is terrible advice. OP should not stop contributing her 401k. He'll probably leave most of "his" money to his kids when he dies, regardless of any empty promises made now, so she's got to prepare for her own future. She should cover her equitable share of their expenses as a couple (so if they make the same, 50%), and with the remaining, max out her 401k and aggressively pay down her loan. He's been divorced once, so the odds are not in their favor. Don't ignore reality.

+1 If my DH passes away or we divorce, and I get remarried, I will be protecting most of my assets for my kids. I won't be leaving my money to my new partner.

I'm all for sharing expenses, but in a second marriage involving older children and debt, I would protect myself financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke the bad news to my 13-years-older husband years. He thought I'd just continue working and retire 13 years later than he does, so he felt no pressure to earn and save more.

He made some bad financial decisions, despite working in finance (apparently a common story). I helped straight us out, have worked fulltime at the office, done most of the child/house/social/renovations/eldercare/mental work of the family. He works from home and earns more than me, but has a much easier pace and hours and perks like golf with clients.

I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly.

I told him -- and our financial planner -- that I will quit the very same day that he quits, and we'll live on whatever we have. And I'm dead serious. He got more motivated, and is hustling to build our savings. And he adjusted his retirement age to two years later.

Wow, your story is strikingly similar to mine and I have said the same thing. He's not drawing down marital assets to golf while I work a job I don't love. I am not working a day longer than he is; end of story. What it means is that he’ll retire relatively late and I’ll retire early, like 50/63ish.

He has a lot less time left than you do.

Actually, no, that was PP's point. If she keeps working past his retirement, she'll likely go from a paid job to being his unpaid caregiver and get no time to enjoy her own retirement or a shared retirement with her husband. She said it better:

"I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly."

Better to figure out how to retire together and live it up while you can.

+1 he should not have made the assumption that she was going to work for another 13 yrs while he got to retire. What did he think would happen when he got older? When you have a large age gap, you need to talk about these things.

DH is six years older than I am and was laid off last year. He has yet to find anything, but he's also not really looking. He's 60 now. I'm still working but plan on retiring next year. My kids said how it didn't seem fair that he had to work till 59 but I get to quit at 56. Uh.. no, he could've actually quit earlier if he had saved more for retirement before we got married. Instead, he enjoyed his life to the fullest and didn't save as much. I had more saved when we got together than he did. And he had been getting paid double of what I was making for several years.

I had always planned on retiring early so I made sure to save in order for me to accomplish this. He could've done the same, but he didn't.

[Anonymous]

It's not the age gap that stood out, but that both of you both are bad with money.
Are you married already?
I'm an immigrant. Most of us are good with money. Not sure what his problem is.
Hysa and 401k are not the best places for your money.
Time to learn about personal finance. You don't need to hire anyone for that. Learn together.
Also, math is more important than buying a house. You can rent a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the age gap that stood out, but that both of you both are bad with money.
Are you married already?
I'm an immigrant. Most of us are good with money. Not sure what his problem is.
Hysa and 401k are not the best places for your money.
Time to learn about personal finance. You don't need to hire anyone for that. Learn together.
Also, math is more important than buying a house. You can rent a house.

? I'm an immigrant, too, and you make zero sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His target retirement date is 15 years before mine, so essentially, I am his retirement plan.

Gag.

He sounds financially irresponsible. Do not marry someone like this.

They are married.

I was hoping they weren't, since the title says relationship OR marriage. If she's already married to this sinking anchor slightly different...

Since they are already married and he's announced his plan to retire first, OP needs to face the fact that she and her husbamd have conflicting financial priorities (him: his kids and his retirement; her: her student loans and her retirement), so they need a system where they agree to equitably split their joint living costs basically forever, and fund their individual priorities as they see fit with what is left over. This will likely expose the fact that OP's DH is not in a position to retire anytime soon. I'd nip this in the bud now, OP.