My DD is sliding into depression

[Anonymous]

My DD was looking forward to playing on her HS volleyball team this year. Even though it would be hard to be identified due to the large number of players who participated in the tryouts, I will not name the school (even though it might be obvious to some). My DD knew that the Varsity was a long shot, but she was very optimistic about the JV team. She didn't make the team.

We've been doing club and she is pretty resilient to rejection. We talk about how clubs give preference to their returners, especially when the skill level is comparable. We talk about how tall girls may make a team, despite lower skill level. She knows that she needs good skills to compensate for her height. She went through tryouts and she understands why she gets cut by certain clubs and why she can still play for her club. Her entire understanding of tryouts collapsed during the HS volleyball tryouts. A few taller girls made the team despite lack of skills. Pretty much expected, even though club players started being cut. Eventually she got cut herself - a decision she was relatively comfortable with. Until she learned that a girl who got cut earlier in the tryouts made the team. I don't want to make this post about the other girl, but I need to offer some context: she is shorter and her skill level is much lower than the skills of any of the girls who got cut in the last day of tryouts.

I cannot recognize my DD anymore. She cannot sleep, she wakes up tired, and she hates school. That almost never happened unless she had some bad teachers. She avoids everyone on the JV team because she is embarrassed. When she has to talk to them she hides her feelings, but everyone tries to console her. Everyone is surprised about her not making the team taking into account that the other girl made it. She hears how that one girl shanks 90% of the balls coming her way during practice and scrimmages. She doesn't understand why she didn't get the chance that the other girl got. She doesn't understand how somebody can get a team jersey despite being officially cut. Initially I thought that she made up the story about the other girl, but I confirmed with other parents (who are equally puzzled).

As a parent, I don't know what to say to her. There is no rational conversation that we could have. My DD is taller and undeniable more skillful (she was in the last wave that got cut). Questioning the coach or talking to the athletics director / principal don't seem to be good options because of potential retribution next year. What can you suggest?

[Anonymous]

OP how long ago did this happen and how long ago did this depressed behavior start?

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but school just started last week for MCPS and two weeks ago in Fairfax County. The tryouts were in the middle of August for MCPS and a little earlier in Fairfax County. Without trying to minimize the gravity of the situation, this must be relatively recent. In cases of depression, early action is very important. The sooner it gets clinically diagnosed the better.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what a school you are posting about, so don’t worry about that. There are kids depressed and disappointed in every school everywhere over cuts. It doesn’t minimize what your kid is going through, and I’m really sorry.

As we told ours, who is our youngest, so much of this is political. She made a team but is so depressed because she’s one of the only club players on freshman. Less experienced girls made JV.

It’s been miserable in our house and her older siblings and us have been saying this is how it goes and don’t play sports if you can’t handle it. (In a nicer way). Some of them dropped theirs for this reason, club and HS. It was not fun anymore and this got worse as they got older.

I’d try to get her involved in something else. But yes, get her help if you think this is actually clinical depression.

[Anonymous]

Have her go to the coach and ask for feedback, very specific feedback. Not saying you should’ve picked me, or why did you pick her, but just I’m still really interested in playing what can I do to better myself to have a shot at making a team next year? Then you help her work on it. When she masters the skills the coach gives her in 6 months she checks back in and says her coach I’ve been working on this, any suggestions of what to work on next?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what a school you are posting about, so don’t worry about that. There are kids depressed and disappointed in every school everywhere over cuts. It doesn’t minimize what your kid is going through, and I’m really sorry.

As we told ours, who is our youngest, so much of this is political. She made a team but is so depressed because she’s one of the only club players on freshman. Less experienced girls made JV.

It’s been miserable in our house and her older siblings and us have been saying this is how it goes and don’t play sports if you can’t handle it. (In a nicer way). Some of them dropped theirs for this reason, club and HS. It was not fun anymore and this got worse as they got older.

I’d try to get her involved in something else. But yes, get her help if you think this is actually clinical depression.

Based on the story, I don't think this is similar to what happens in other schools. I never heard of a player being cut during tryouts, then making it on the roster. Even politics considered, this looks really bad. If you want a player on the team, you bring them back to each day of tryouts, while pretending that she had the skills to start with. But it stinks of really bad politics if the player gets cut early in the tryouts, then she turns out on the roster. Especially when other players (including OP's DD) were cut later in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what a school you are posting about, so don’t worry about that. There are kids depressed and disappointed in every school everywhere over cuts. It doesn’t minimize what your kid is going through, and I’m really sorry.

As we told ours, who is our youngest, so much of this is political. She made a team but is so depressed because she’s one of the only club players on freshman. Less experienced girls made JV.

It’s been miserable in our house and her older siblings and us have been saying this is how it goes and don’t play sports if you can’t handle it. (In a nicer way). Some of them dropped theirs for this reason, club and HS. It was not fun anymore and this got worse as they got older.

I’d try to get her involved in something else. But yes, get her help if you think this is actually clinical depression.

Based on the story, I don't think this is similar to what happens in other schools. I never heard of a player being cut during tryouts, then making it on the roster. Even politics considered, this looks really bad. If you want a player on the team, you bring them back to each day of tryouts, while pretending that she had the skills to start with. But it stinks of really bad politics if the player gets cut early in the tryouts, then she turns out on the roster. Especially when other players (including OP's DD) were cut later in the process.

I read that but figured they didn’t have the entire story. Maybe she wasn’t really cut and OP’s kid just thought she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what a school you are posting about, so don’t worry about that. There are kids depressed and disappointed in every school everywhere over cuts. It doesn’t minimize what your kid is going through, and I’m really sorry.

As we told ours, who is our youngest, so much of this is political. She made a team but is so depressed because she’s one of the only club players on freshman. Less experienced girls made JV.

It’s been miserable in our house and her older siblings and us have been saying this is how it goes and don’t play sports if you can’t handle it. (In a nicer way). Some of them dropped theirs for this reason, club and HS. It was not fun anymore and this got worse as they got older.

I’d try to get her involved in something else. But yes, get her help if you think this is actually clinical depression.

Based on the story, I don't think this is similar to what happens in other schools. I never heard of a player being cut during tryouts, then making it on the roster. Even politics considered, this looks really bad. If you want a player on the team, you bring them back to each day of tryouts, while pretending that she had the skills to start with. But it stinks of really bad politics if the player gets cut early in the tryouts, then she turns out on the roster. Especially when other players (including OP's DD) were cut later in the process.

I read that but figured they didn’t have the entire story. Maybe she wasn’t really cut and OP’s kid just thought she was.

Note what the OP said about checking their DD's story with other parents. I guess we will have to wait for the OP to confirm what she meant, but that's how I read it.

[Anonymous]

Definitely recommend DD speaks to the coach and makes it clear she is asking for guidance on what she needs to work on to make the team next year. DS had a similar experience in a different sport (maybe minus the weird politics) and had a good convo with the coach when he’d had some time to get over the sting of being cut. We helped him prepare for the convo by emphasizing the need to focus on what he needs to work on vs the “why the coach cut me.” He made the team his sophomore year. Maybe it was a result of the convo, maybe it was the work he put into it, maybe it was the luck of who tried out. I do think it gave him a sense of control or empowerment to know that there were skills he could work on over the year that would give him a better chance of making the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what a school you are posting about, so don’t worry about that. There are kids depressed and disappointed in every school everywhere over cuts. It doesn’t minimize what your kid is going through, and I’m really sorry.

As we told ours, who is our youngest, so much of this is political. She made a team but is so depressed because she’s one of the only club players on freshman. Less experienced girls made JV.

It’s been miserable in our house and her older siblings and us have been saying this is how it goes and don’t play sports if you can’t handle it. (In a nicer way). Some of them dropped theirs for this reason, club and HS. It was not fun anymore and this got worse as they got older.

I’d try to get her involved in something else. But yes, get her help if you think this is actually clinical depression.

Based on the story, I don't think this is similar to what happens in other schools. I never heard of a player being cut during tryouts, then making it on the roster. Even politics considered, this looks really bad. If you want a player on the team, you bring them back to each day of tryouts, while pretending that she had the skills to start with. But it stinks of really bad politics if the player gets cut early in the tryouts, then she turns out on the roster. Especially when other players (including OP's DD) were cut later in the process.

I read that but figured they didn’t have the entire story. Maybe she wasn’t really cut and OP’s kid just thought she was.

Note what the OP said about checking their DD's story with other parents. I guess we will have to wait for the OP to confirm what she meant, but that's how I read it.

I guess, but it sounds so gossipy and toxic. Be happy your daughter isn’t around all of that. I know it’s really hard and she doesn’t understand that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what a school you are posting about, so don’t worry about that. There are kids depressed and disappointed in every school everywhere over cuts. It doesn’t minimize what your kid is going through, and I’m really sorry.

As we told ours, who is our youngest, so much of this is political. She made a team but is so depressed because she’s one of the only club players on freshman. Less experienced girls made JV.

It’s been miserable in our house and her older siblings and us have been saying this is how it goes and don’t play sports if you can’t handle it. (In a nicer way). Some of them dropped theirs for this reason, club and HS. It was not fun anymore and this got worse as they got older.

I’d try to get her involved in something else. But yes, get her help if you think this is actually clinical depression.

Based on the story, I don't think this is similar to what happens in other schools. I never heard of a player being cut during tryouts, then making it on the roster. Even politics considered, this looks really bad. If you want a player on the team, you bring them back to each day of tryouts, while pretending that she had the skills to start with. But it stinks of really bad politics if the player gets cut early in the tryouts, then she turns out on the roster. Especially when other players (including OP's DD) were cut later in the process.

I read that but figured they didn’t have the entire story. Maybe she wasn’t really cut and OP’s kid just thought she was.

Note what the OP said about checking their DD's story with other parents. I guess we will have to wait for the OP to confirm what she meant, but that's how I read it.

I guess, but it sounds so gossipy and toxic. Be happy your daughter isn’t around all of that. I know it’s really hard and she doesn’t understand that now.

I don't know what is more toxic: a player being officially cut then making the team or parents gossiping about it. I would vote for the former if the story is true.

[Anonymous]

OP here with a few clarifications. I am a bit paranoid about privacy on this topic, so I don't write anything from home. Even though the forum is anonymous, the IP address is likely stored with each post as metadata. This explains why I don't immediately answer questions. I have no problem contributing to other topics from home, but not on this one.

I didn't want to talk about the other player, but the doubts expressed here force me to go that way. The story is true, not just gossip or the imagination of a teen. As I mentioned, I had my doubts, but I talked to other parents. The parents were not allowed at the tryouts, but all the kids know and talk about it. Apparently it is common knowledge that the player didn't make the last round of tryouts (they were sharing the coach decisions during tryouts). It is not clear how she made her way on the roster. The volleyball culture requires the players to be supportive of your teammates no matter what their skill level. With that in mind, the rest of the players won't suggest to any player that she doesn't belong on the team. It would be hard to expect the team players to question the coach's decisions, even though they know this can happen to them during the next tryouts. But they know what happened and they know it is not fair. At least that's what they tell my DD (when my DD cannot avoid contact with them).

Here is the answer to the most pressing questions: The tryouts were in the middle of august and the school started last week. I know that adding this info places us squarely into MCPS because each public school system has different tryouts. Hopefully MCPS is large enough to make it hard to identify the high school.

I saw a few suggestions that DD should talk to the coach. At this point, my DD barely talks to us (the parents). Asking her to talk to the coach who is responsible for the situation would be too much. I know that in an ideal world, you would get advice from the coach, show improvement, then make it on the team. It is just so hard to imagine this happening right now. Also, the volleyball season is quite short, so it's this couple of months or never. The coach teaches somewhere else, so limited opportunities to meet. She could meet the coach during the team practice, but just imagine the walk of shame in front of the players who made the team. That's absolutely not feasible.

[Anonymous]

Has your daughter ever faced disappointment before? This is a skill to be learned, not a feeling to be indulged or ignored.

Outside of the team politics, it is important for your daughter to learn to navigate disappointment an unfair situations. sometimes it's not about her, it's not even about the other person, but we have to go onward and upward.

sorry that it's tough right now, but she will grow through this. if you think she needs to talk to someone about her feelings, I suggest that it not be limited to the tryouts. high school is going to have lots of ups and downs. hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Ok just stop really stop

Your kid has a mental illness and needs help now their reaction is beyond out of the norm.

You should have never talked about the other girl. Coaches pick kids for so many reasons and it is not your concern

Your kid didn’t make the cut you failed to make your kid understand this is not life ending. HS is four years she’s not playing volleyball for a dam job.

Get her help now you did this to your kid. Getting cut from a sports team is as old as time .

And yes coaches in MCPS cut kids and bring them back it has happened at Wootton , QO and Whitman


Signed mother of multiple divsion one players different sports

And yes I know from experience about kids getting cut one including mine. Sports are not the be end all an education is life learning is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with a few clarifications. I am a bit paranoid about privacy on this topic, so I don't write anything from home. Even though the forum is anonymous, the IP address is likely stored with each post as metadata. This explains why I don't immediately answer questions. I have no problem contributing to other topics from home, but not on this one.

I didn't want to talk about the other player, but the doubts expressed here force me to go that way. The story is true, not just gossip or the imagination of a teen. As I mentioned, I had my doubts, but I talked to other parents. The parents were not allowed at the tryouts, but all the kids know and talk about it. Apparently it is common knowledge that the player didn't make the last round of tryouts (they were sharing the coach decisions during tryouts). It is not clear how she made her way on the roster. The volleyball culture requires the players to be supportive of your teammates no matter what their skill level. With that in mind, the rest of the players won't suggest to any player that she doesn't belong on the team. It would be hard to expect the team players to question the coach's decisions, even though they know this can happen to them during the next tryouts. But they know what happened and they know it is not fair. At least that's what they tell my DD (when my DD cannot avoid contact with them).

Here is the answer to the most pressing questions: The tryouts were in the middle of august and the school started last week. I know that adding this info places us squarely into MCPS because each public school system has different tryouts. Hopefully MCPS is large enough to make it hard to identify the high school.

I saw a few suggestions that DD should talk to the coach. At this point, my DD barely talks to us (the parents). Asking her to talk to the coach who is responsible for the situation would be too much. I know that in an ideal world, you would get advice from the coach, show improvement, then make it on the team. It is just so hard to imagine this happening right now. Also, the volleyball season is quite short, so it's this couple of months or never. The coach teaches somewhere else, so limited opportunities to meet. She could meet the coach during the team practice, but just imagine the walk of shame in front of the players who made the team. That's absolutely not feasible.

Unrelated directly to the topic but I offer this as an FYI - ips are associated with you/your posts, but only Jeff and others /w admin access on the back end have access to this information... but, if you only are posting from another location but use the same device or browser, you are not really covering you tracks like you think you are -- google browser fingerprinting for more information. I don't know if DCUM using browser fingerprinting, this advice is offered more generically.

It hardly matters in this use case but there other cases where you may need to be more careful and not understanding the technology can lead to problems.