My DD is sliding into depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think you need to stop focusing on the girl who made the team you think should not have. You and daughter can’t control what coaches decide. Had 4 kids go through many levels and never had one coach who I didn’t think to myself could have picked different players, allocated playing time differently, or run other plays. They are the coach, it’s their job and their decision. Same thing once out of school and working, boss is going to do things not everyone agrees with for reasons unknown. Winter and spring sports just around the corner, plenty more opportunities to play sports.

DP who disagrees with this idea. When we play in tournaments, we often watch teams that my DD tried out for and didn't make. We are specifically looking who is playing the same position as my DD (not that it matters much, but in our case it's setter) to see what they are doing better. That's how we learn what my DD needs to work on to become more competitive during the next tryouts. Ignoring who got your spot is a recipe for remaining non-competitive. In this situation, to even reach the level of the other girl, the OP's DD needs to figure out how to gracefully shank 90% of the balls and get cut earlier. I would also be furious if that happened to my DD. And if you are honest with yourself, you would also be furious and you would stop claiming that coaches always know best.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that the shorter girl is likely to grow more and get better with time and practice, whereas your daughter might have plateaued? Maybe the coach wants potential over experience.

Or maybe the kid had an emergency the day she was cut, the coach knows she wasn't at her best and so judged based upon what they saw before.

[Anonymous]

If she’s depressed (not just disappointed) she needs to see a doctor and be evaluated. I would entirely stop scrutinizing the ins snd outs of the tryouts and the girl who made the team despite lower performance because 1) yo do so and talk w others on the team about how much this girl sucks is toxic and 2) the specifics of this girl sucking or not don’t really matter. Unfair things happen in life to everyone. They are in no way rare. It’s not a workable proposition to hyperfocus on each unfair thing that happens! (Again, if she’s depressed she needs help regardless of what set it off, it just won’t be helpful to focus on the specifics of the event as if it’s some unusual and terrible calamity rather than just a routine part of life.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that the shorter girl is likely to grow more and get better with time and practice, whereas your daughter might have plateaued? Maybe the coach wants potential over experience.

Or maybe the kid had an emergency the day she was cut, the coach knows she wasn't at her best and so judged based upon what they saw before.

OMG, are you saying that with a straight face? How does the coach know how tall is the shorter girl going to be? And what if the OP's DD grows even taller?

You probably know that I am messing with you because I really couldn't resist. But that hypothesis is hilarious. It goes along really well with the strong defense of whatever the coach decides being the right thing. Seriously speaking, the season is 2 months long and the coach needs the most experienced players on the court right now. They don't have the 7 month in the club season to develop the players. Plus, shanking 90% of the balls at U15 level hardly shows potential. You are also making assumptions about growth or plateauing without knowing any of the players, just to fit the narrative that the coach is always right. Would the coach figure out growth vs potential in 3 days of tryouts with 100 players? If the player showed potential, why did she get cut? Maybe the coach knew these two players prior to the tryouts and could tell that the less skillful one had potential, while the better player plateaued? Why was the better player kept until the last round of cuts? Let's see how you turn yourself into a pretzel now...

[Anonymous]

"She is quite dizzy during the day, but at least she is not up all night thinking about why a shorter girl with less than 50% of her skills made her position on the team despite being cut earlier during tryouts. "

Something is wrong with you.

It is called tryouts for a reason. No matter how many times you type, the other kid wasn't as good as yours, the coaches disagreed. Or it was political, which is also a thing in sports tryouts. Always has been always will be. Does it make it right no, we all know that. Will it ever change? No.

Life is unfair. Instead of teaching your kid life skills like how to handle disappointment, you made your child suffer. For Volleyball.....

Grow up get your kid help asap, and read some good books on parenting because this reaction of your kid is on you. You failed as a parent to prepare them for rejection.

This below what I quoted is a way nicer response than you deserve, given you came on social media and ranted over and over again about a nothingburger. It's HS volleyball for god's sake.

"I do think you need to stop focusing on the girl who made the team you think should not have. You and daughter can’t control what coaches decide. Had 4 kids go through many levels and never had one coach who I didn’t think to myself could have picked different players, allocated playing time differently, or run other plays. They are the coach, it’s their job and their decision. Same thing once out of school and working, boss is going to do things not everyone agrees with for reasons unknown. Winter and spring sports just around the corner, plenty more opportunities to play sports."

[Anonymous]

Focusing on the other girl is doing no favors for you or your dd. In no way shape or form should either of you bring up this girl or any other player to the coaches.

There will always be setbacks in life. She needs some resilience. That is where you should spend your energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you need to stop focusing on the girl who made the team you think should not have. You and daughter can’t control what coaches decide. Had 4 kids go through many levels and never had one coach who I didn’t think to myself could have picked different players, allocated playing time differently, or run other plays. They are the coach, it’s their job and their decision. Same thing once out of school and working, boss is going to do things not everyone agrees with for reasons unknown. Winter and spring sports just around the corner, plenty more opportunities to play sports.

DP who disagrees with this idea. When we play in tournaments, we often watch teams that my DD tried out for and didn't make. We are specifically looking who is playing the same position as my DD (not that it matters much, but in our case it's setter) to see what they are doing better. That's how we learn what my DD needs to work on to become more competitive during the next tryouts. Ignoring who got your spot is a recipe for remaining non-competitive. In this situation, to even reach the level of the other girl, the OP's DD needs to figure out how to gracefully shank 90% of the balls and get cut earlier. I would also be furious if that happened to my DD. And if you are honest with yourself, you would also be furious and you would stop claiming that coaches always know best.

I think we mean she needs to drop the resentment they clearly have towards this other player, not that she shouldn't learn from their skills or other clues about the coaching decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"She is quite dizzy during the day, but at least she is not up all night thinking about why a shorter girl with less than 50% of her skills made her position on the team despite being cut earlier during tryouts. "

Something is wrong with you.

It is called tryouts for a reason. No matter how many times you type, the other kid wasn't as good as yours, the coaches disagreed. Or it was political, which is also a thing in sports tryouts. Always has been always will be. Does it make it right no, we all know that. Will it ever change? No.

Life is unfair. Instead of teaching your kid life skills like how to handle disappointment, you made your child suffer. For Volleyball.....

Grow up get your kid help asap, and read some good books on parenting because this reaction of your kid is on you. You failed as a parent to prepare them for rejection.

This below what I quoted is a way nicer response than you deserve, given you came on social media and ranted over and over again about a nothingburger. It's HS volleyball for god's sake.

"I do think you need to stop focusing on the girl who made the team you think should not have. You and daughter can’t control what coaches decide. Had 4 kids go through many levels and never had one coach who I didn’t think to myself could have picked different players, allocated playing time differently, or run other plays. They are the coach, it’s their job and their decision. Same thing once out of school and working, boss is going to do things not everyone agrees with for reasons unknown. Winter and spring sports just around the corner, plenty more opportunities to play sports."

We all know it is not right, but we all must accept it without questioning. Something is wrong with YOU, OP. All the rest of us who simply accept injustice as normal? We are just fine, thank you for asking. But something is definitely wrong with YOU.

[Anonymous]

OP, please get your DD into therapy. VB can be such a toxic sport environment, you maybe dodged a bullet and don't even realize it.

[Anonymous]

Life is not fair. Shady crap goes on all the time. The volleyball coach might be a corrupt and unethical person. And/or you might not have all the information.

If this is the most unfair thing that happens to your child, you are lucky. She's been given information...this volleyball team coach appears to be shady. Why would she want to try out again? If I was her, I'd say something to the athletic director at the school responsible for hiring coaches knowing it might go absolutely nowhere but also knowing that she did the right thing for future players. And then move on. Do not try to play for this coach again. Play club. Find something else to do. She didn't do anything wrong. No shame. Just move on. It's fine to feel bad but she's wallowing and obsessing and time will help with that and you also need to help with that. Frame it as a crappy thing, focus on what you can control, and tell her something good will come from this disappointment that she can't see right now when she fills the time with something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To respond to others, I will repost something from the very first message I wrote on this post (see below).

Anonymous wrote:We've been doing club and she is pretty resilient to rejection. We talk about how clubs give preference to their returners, especially when the skill level is comparable. We talk about how tall girls may make a team, despite lower skill level. She knows that she needs good skills to compensate for her height. She went through tryouts and she understands why she gets cut by certain clubs and why she can still play for her club. Her entire understanding of tryouts collapsed during the HS volleyball tryouts. A few taller girls made the team despite lack of skills. Pretty much expected, even though club players started being cut. Eventually she got cut herself - a decision she was relatively comfortable with. Until she learned that a girl who got cut earlier in the tryouts made the team. I don't want to make this post about the other girl, but I need to offer some context: she is shorter and her skill level is much lower than the skills of any of the girls who got cut in the last day of tryouts.

I thought I made it clear that my DD successfully handled multiple rejections in the past. She plays club for several years and didn't make it into some of the top clubs she tried out for. But she knew that clubs show preference for their returners and for taller girls (even with lower skill level). What she didn't expect was JV to pick on her position a shorter girl with less experience and skill level. And we are not talking about any of them having any advantage as returner player. Stop telling me that this is normal.

DP.

This is normal.

If the coach is just picking a bench player, they pick favorites. Unless your daughter can idnetify a starting player they should replace (not could replace, SHOULD replace), the last few bench players are meaningless to the coach and he might just pick the kid who is best at cheering or looks about the right size for the last uniform he has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you need to stop focusing on the girl who made the team you think should not have. You and daughter can’t control what coaches decide. Had 4 kids go through many levels and never had one coach who I didn’t think to myself could have picked different players, allocated playing time differently, or run other plays. They are the coach, it’s their job and their decision. Same thing once out of school and working, boss is going to do things not everyone agrees with for reasons unknown. Winter and spring sports just around the corner, plenty more opportunities to play sports.

DP who disagrees with this idea. When we play in tournaments, we often watch teams that my DD tried out for and didn't make. We are specifically looking who is playing the same position as my DD (not that it matters much, but in our case it's setter) to see what they are doing better. That's how we learn what my DD needs to work on to become more competitive during the next tryouts. Ignoring who got your spot is a recipe for remaining non-competitive. In this situation, to even reach the level of the other girl, the OP's DD needs to figure out how to gracefully shank 90% of the balls and get cut earlier. I would also be furious if that happened to my DD. And if you are honest with yourself, you would also be furious and you would stop claiming that coaches always know best.

For a bench spot, probably not but maybe. I doubt I my kid would need to be medicated over it. This girl needs help and there might be other things going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She is quite dizzy during the day, but at least she is not up all night thinking about why a shorter girl with less than 50% of her skills made her position on the team despite being cut earlier during tryouts. "

Something is wrong with you.

It is called tryouts for a reason. No matter how many times you type, the other kid wasn't as good as yours, the coaches disagreed. Or it was political, which is also a thing in sports tryouts. Always has been always will be. Does it make it right no, we all know that. Will it ever change? No.

Life is unfair. Instead of teaching your kid life skills like how to handle disappointment, you made your child suffer. For Volleyball.....

Grow up get your kid help asap, and read some good books on parenting because this reaction of your kid is on you. You failed as a parent to prepare them for rejection.

This below what I quoted is a way nicer response than you deserve, given you came on social media and ranted over and over again about a nothingburger. It's HS volleyball for god's sake.

"I do think you need to stop focusing on the girl who made the team you think should not have. You and daughter can’t control what coaches decide. Had 4 kids go through many levels and never had one coach who I didn’t think to myself could have picked different players, allocated playing time differently, or run other plays. They are the coach, it’s their job and their decision. Same thing once out of school and working, boss is going to do things not everyone agrees with for reasons unknown. Winter and spring sports just around the corner, plenty more opportunities to play sports."

We all know it is not right, but we all must accept it without questioning. Something is wrong with YOU, OP. All the rest of us who simply accept injustice as normal? We are just fine, thank you for asking. But something is definitely wrong with YOU.

Rather than stew over the opportunity you don't have, you would do better to make the most of the opportunities you do have.

Every asian kid applying to college has had to deal with this for the last 50 years. There is nothing unique about this sort of unfairness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is not fair. Shady crap goes on all the time. The volleyball coach might be a corrupt and unethical person. And/or you might not have all the information.

If this is the most unfair thing that happens to your child, you are lucky. She's been given information...this volleyball team coach appears to be shady. Why would she want to try out again? If I was her, I'd say something to the athletic director at the school responsible for hiring coaches knowing it might go absolutely nowhere but also knowing that she did the right thing for future players. And then move on. Do not try to play for this coach again. Play club. Find something else to do. She didn't do anything wrong. No shame. Just move on. It's fine to feel bad but she's wallowing and obsessing and time will help with that and you also need to help with that. Frame it as a crappy thing, focus on what you can control, and tell her something good will come from this disappointment that she can't see right now when she fills the time with something else.

What is the point of talking to the ahtletic director? What are they going to do? Punish the already hard to find high school coaches for picking a less talented player for their bench?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is not fair. Shady crap goes on all the time. The volleyball coach might be a corrupt and unethical person. And/or you might not have all the information.

If this is the most unfair thing that happens to your child, you are lucky. She's been given information...this volleyball team coach appears to be shady. Why would she want to try out again? If I was her, I'd say something to the athletic director at the school responsible for hiring coaches knowing it might go absolutely nowhere but also knowing that she did the right thing for future players. And then move on. Do not try to play for this coach again. Play club. Find something else to do. She didn't do anything wrong. No shame. Just move on. It's fine to feel bad but she's wallowing and obsessing and time will help with that and you also need to help with that. Frame it as a crappy thing, focus on what you can control, and tell her something good will come from this disappointment that she can't see right now when she fills the time with something else.

What is the point of talking to the ahtletic director? What are they going to do? Punish the already hard to find high school coaches for picking a less talented player for their bench?

Agree about talking to the AD. They are going to take their coach’s side on an issue like this. Imagine the chaos if they forced coaches to make roster changes based on parent complaints. I’m not discounting the OP’s story, but unfortunately this is just one of those life isn’t fair situations.