Helping judgmental grandparents understand that the college landscape has changed

[Anonymous]

I am guessing I'm not alone in this, and am wondering how others have handled it.

I attended a HYPSM. My parents basically believe that maybe 10 colleges are good ones, and the rest are lousy. Or more precisely, the kids attending those other schools are not very bright or somehow not worthy. They literally roll their eyes at some of these schools, like Pitt and Wake Forest. I would be thrilled if my kid ended up at either of these! Not to mention many many others.

My parents sort of get that the college landscape has changed but not really, because they occasionally hear of some friend whose grandkid is going to Harvard or Columbia or some such, and then decide that those schools are attainable for my kids.

DH and I are trying to raise happy, healthy, secure kids who are motivated but also live a balanced life. My DD is about to enter 11th grade, and for the last couple years my parents have been pestering me on where she will be applying. I have avoided the subject, which until now hasn't been difficult because we've had no idea. But of course that will soon change and I am dreading upcoming conversations. DD is a great kid, but I think it's unlikely she'd be accepted (or even apply) to a tippy-top school.

What have others done in these situations, where parents/grandparents are relentlessly bringing this up every time they see you? Do you shut them out of the college search for your child (and to what extent? Would you not tell them you're visiting schools, or where you are visiting)? Would you refuse to share an SAT score if asked directly, and if your child didn't object to such sharing? Do you share limited information but then try to steer the conversation elsewhere? In my ideal world they would know nothing until DD has settled on where she is going but I am not sure if this is realistic, and what kind of friction would result. Thanks for any advice. I feel like I need to prepare myself but am not sure of the best approach.

[Anonymous]

My recommendation is to share nothing with anyone, supportive or not. Allow your kid to go through it without the added pressure of others knowing their plans.

[Anonymous]

That sounds stressful, OP, and exactly what you don't need during the already stressful college admissions process. I would not tell your parents anything. Be blunt: "We're trying to minimize stress during the admissions process and feel you risk contributing to that with your shy-high expectations, so we will not be sharing a blow-by-blow of her path to college. Thanks." And if they get upset, well, that's their problem. If you want to see them at Thanksgiving or something, your daughter will need a script, and you should be ready to defend her. Or maybe just don't go.

I can't emphasize enough how important mental health is during this process. You need to your daughter to focus, and her grandparents are going to distract her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing I'm not alone in this, and am wondering how others have handled it.

I attended a HYPSM. My parents basically believe that maybe 10 colleges are good ones, and the rest are lousy. Or more precisely, the kids attending those other schools are not very bright or somehow not worthy. They literally roll their eyes at some of these schools, like Pitt and Wake Forest. I would be thrilled if my kid ended up at either of these! Not to mention many many others.

My parents sort of get that the college landscape has changed but not really, because they occasionally hear of some friend whose grandkid is going to Harvard or Columbia or some such, and then decide that those schools are attainable for my kids.

DH and I are trying to raise happy, healthy, secure kids who are motivated but also live a balanced life. My DD is about to enter 11th grade, and for the last couple years my parents have been pestering me on where she will be applying. I have avoided the subject, which until now hasn't been difficult because we've had no idea. But of course that will soon change and I am dreading upcoming conversations. DD is a great kid, but I think it's unlikely she'd be accepted (or even apply) to a tippy-top school.

What have others done in these situations, where parents/grandparents are relentlessly bringing this up every time they see you? Do you shut them out of the college search for your child (and to what extent? Would you not tell them you're visiting schools, or where you are visiting)? Would you refuse to share an SAT score if asked directly, and if your child didn't object to such sharing? Do you share limited information but then try to steer the conversation elsewhere? In my ideal world they would know nothing until DD has settled on where she is going but I am not sure if this is realistic, and what kind of friction would result. Thanks for any advice. I feel like I need to prepare myself but am not sure of the best approach.

This erroneous belief is their problem, not yours.

I would shut them out of the college search altogether and definitely not share any SAT scores or similar information, including any academic information. That information belongs to your child and it is private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My recommendation is to share nothing with anyone, supportive or not. Allow your kid to go through it without the added pressure of others knowing their plans.

Agree. But OP I feel your pain. My parents would constantly ask why we weren't applying to more Ivies and say obnoxious things like "oh, XX went to that school, she was a terrible student." With one parent (they're divorced) I claimed from the start that we had basically decided that DC would go to our state school, which has a generous admissions rate, and didn't admit until after acceptances were all out that we had in fact applied elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Yes, shut them out. Just be very vague when they pester you. I didn’t even tell my parents that we were touring a particular school in the town where they live. There’s so much noise in this process, I’ll gladly filter out anything I can.

[Anonymous]

I agree to politely ask them to not ask and they will be told when there is something to tell. Sorry they will not get to say anything at the canasta game at Del Boca Vista for a while.

Ironically, given the recentering of SAT scores, they might not realize that what is now a good but not great SAT score is something that was likely great back in your day. So you could theoretically share a score with them, but it isn't worth it.

[Anonymous]

OP I have to wonder if you yourself are disappointed or defensive about your kid’s college prospects and for that reason are doing a little projecting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have to wonder if you yourself are disappointed or defensive about your kid’s college prospects and for that reason are doing a little projecting here.

??? Go away, troll.

[Anonymous]

Same. I went to an ivy myself and my husband went to Georgetown and my parents believe that the top 30-ish schools are the only ones worth applying to.

My rising senior will probably go to a large state school which will be a great fit for him. The way I've prepped my parents is by sharing articles that show the change in acceptance rates (such as from 20-40% to 5%). Objective data helps.

[Anonymous]

Kind of fit your profile in that (1) I went to an HYPSM school; (2) parents didn't appreciate how the college admissions landscape had changed since then; and (3) schools like Pitt (not even Wake Forest) and various state flagships were what interested our kids and where they ended up attending.

Don't fit your profile in that parents weren't that pushy, although they'd occasionally ask about kids' plans or make suggestions based on unrealistic assumptions about what schools would admit boys in particular.

We would share the schools that interested our kids and the schools to which they were applying. Made a point of talking about how much we enjoyed visiting various schools that the grandparents may have thought were below them/us/grandkids. Rebuffed questions about GPAs, SAT/ACT scores, current semester grades, and affirmatively interjected if they tried to quiz our kids directly. They weren't paying for their grandkids' college educations and it was really none of their business.

Kids have now graduated from these schools and have good jobs/relationships. Our kids weren't what is now considered "HYPSM material" but they are probably healthier young adults not having had the intensely curated childhoods that now seems common among the types of kids headed to HYPSM-like schools. Still have a lot of fondness for my alma mater, but there are many great schools out there (and there are definitely a lot of college towns that are more fun than New Haven, Princeton, or Palo Alto).

[Anonymous]

Not trying to indulge your parents…by chance your kid attending a school with a top 10 program.

Think attending IU because Kelley is top 10.

Might be a way to spin it that your parents can accept/understand.

[Anonymous]

My parents were like that. My parents went to BC, as a safety school when they didn’t get into Harvard. They thought my daughter with “all As” (many were actually A-) and 1480 SAT should just apply to Ivys and maybe BC and UVA as safety schools. They were flabbergasted that she was rejected from both BC and UVA and didn’t even apply to any Ivys. She did apply widely and was accepted to ten schools in the top 100, and picked a wonderful school with the programs she wants and where she got huge merit aid. She’s happy and I’m happy. My parents think it is much lower than where she should be going.

Looking back on things I wish I had refused to discuss colleges with them all together.

[Anonymous]

I remind my children, the purpose of a good education to learn and to grow as a person, not to wave a round a diploma, or throw your alma mater's sweatshirt in someone's face. It is unfortunate that the well-off (for the most part) use their privilege as a tool to gain/sustain entry, and as a tool to look down on others.

Harvard receives 60,000 applications a year (https://www.ivywise.com/blog/harvard-waitlist-how-hard-is-it-to-get-off-of-it/) if you are not one of the 3% that gets in, that must make you stupid, I guess (eye-roll emoji)...

Give the grandparents a thought exercise - what would the world look like if a great education was accessible and attainable for everyone? The artists can study art, the scientists science, etc. I think we would be better off as a species.

I attended CMU, and transferred to Northeastern (Physics major). I was very surprised to find out CMU, NU, and MIT all used the same physics book?! Then it dawned on me, you don't learn a different or "special" math at HYPSM... it's all the same stuff.

[Anonymous]

Share nothing. And everytime they give an opinion say x years have passed since [year you graduated from high school]. Keep repeating. Don’t explain why they are wrong.