Narcissistic parent

[Anonymous]

If you had one , can you give examples of what it looks like?

[Anonymous]

My dad is a narcissist. He is not capable of thinking about or considering anyone else's experiences. I'm not just talking about feelings, but more broad. Like he just is not able to even imagine or think about how other people are having a life, doing things, experiencing things, just like he is. He experiences everything only through his own experience, and he thinks everyone else is also focused on his experience. So it's like he's in movie where he is the main character, but also he assumes everyone else is watching the same movie as him.

He's not always a jerk (though definitely he can be). In fact he can be very charming and engaging. If you aren't related to him or working for him, he's actually pretty easy to deal with -- he just wants to monologue and be the center of attention, and if he gets that, he's affable, even easy going.

But he has no ability to deal with conflict (because in his mind, conflict cannot exist -- if only one person matters, what could you possibly be in conflict about?). He overreacts to any adversity because, again, if everyone is focused on his happiness and experiences, why should there ever be roadblocks.

As a kid, this meant that significant portions of my life were totally invisible to him -- my hobbies,my friends, my goals. He cared about my grades and Amy external markers of my success, because those reflected well in him. But that's it. He would talk to me or hang out with me, but only if we discussed his work, his interests, or did something he enjoys. Otherwise I was invisible or a distraction.

I have struggled a lot as an adult with feeling like I matter or can be important I'm any setting (work, socially, as a customer or student, anywhere). I also find I'm drawn to narcissists because I'm good at fulfilling their preferred dynamic. However in my 30s I finally became truly self aware of this issue and now I can recognize narcissism in others and have learned to steer clear or at least avoid the dynamic of seeing their narcissism. Becoming a parent has helped me better understand these patterns and break them.

Therapy helps, but nothing has been more useful to me than the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It's not about narcissism per se, which I find helpful. It's more pragmatically about dissecting this dynamic and giving you practical tools for dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

^ sorry about typos, on phone

[Anonymous]

Here’s an example from when I was going into high school. We were moving back to FCPS in the late 1970s and I knew that the state where we had living for my 7th and 8th grade years was behind FCPS academically, even though I was a kid. I said to my mom that I was worried about being behind in ninth grade and she replied, “Well, how do you think I feel? I have to go back at work after being home with kids for 15 years?” All about her. This wasn’t constant in my childhood, but definitely an undercurrent, and made it incredibly hard to deal with her as she aged.

[Anonymous]

Pretty much ignored me most of my childhood, I would even try to hug her she would push me away, the had no empathy or sympathy and talked bad about pretty much everyone but herself. She lied like it was her job about everything. She didn't protect me when my stepfather abused me. She only had money for herself and is the most vain person I know, while I had clothes and shoes that didn't fit me. I had to fold my toes over in my shoes. She spent all our money on herself and the image of a nice household. I have a sibling that turned out just like her too. Scary to watch.

[Anonymous]

Moving to London to start a new life with new girlfriend and her kid, and then calling your 9 year old daughter back in the states a few days after your birthday to chastise her for not calling you to wish you a happy birthday. That’s a narcissistic parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving to London to start a new life with new girlfriend and her kid, and then calling your 9 year old daughter back in the states a few days after your birthday to chastise her for not calling you to wish you a happy birthday. That’s a narcissistic parent.

Sounds like my mom doesn't know I'm legally blind but yelled at me for not knowing that she had changed her favorite color a few months ago. She had no idea what my favorite color is. I really don't think the mental health community has enough help in place for narcissists and their families. It's an epidemic.

[Anonymous]

My dad is very similar to the first poster who responded. He is SUPER charming and charismatic. From the ages 12-16, I used to bed him to start a cult, because I knew people would give him money and we could be rich (now I realize how insane this was).

But he is a really damaged person who truly cannot see anyone else’s perspective or care about their lives. I now liken it to being raised by a Donald Trump like person. He only remembers things about me that make him look good — like I went to an Ivy League school and am now in the C suite. But, he literally knows nothing about me. He can go months without reaching out to any of his children. When he finally does, it is either because he needs a favor or he feels like he isn’t getting enough attention so it is some super crazy medical thing. My favorite one is when he told us all he knew he was getting Alzheimer’s. And then I few weeks later, “I saw the neurologist, and I have a SUPERIOR memory to any man my age.” When he reaches out he never asks how I am or how my kids are. He doesn’t care.

He is also literally the hero of every story he tells. It is actually hilarious. My mom died and he got remarried. My special needs kid was struggling a bit to I left during the speech he gave. I came back and said to my husband “so did he tell x, y and z stories where he tries to act t like he is self deprecating but really he is the star.” And my husband was like “yep.” So I didn’t miss anything. My sister did tell me later that he went on a bit about his relationship with his new wife’s daughters but didn’t mention us or his grandkids — which is also totally on point for him. He wanted to impress the new people in his life.

He was also a highly functioning alcoholic — if you don’t count destroying the relationship with his own kids. But that has now fallen apart in his mid 70s with a DUI and the new wife is as much of a train wreck as he is.

I mostly stopped caring much by my early 20s. He is who he is. I have fairly limited contact. I see him a few times a year for lunch, and I prefer when other relatives come so they can talk to him.

[Anonymous]

To echo PPs: CAN BE fun, charming, engaging, but incredibly ill-equipped to deal with any conflict and certainly can’t deal with the possibility of having been the cause for conflict. Narcissists have incredibly weak egos and need to be fed and validated constantly, and need the focus to be on them at all times.

I can count on two hands the number of times my mother has ever asked about me, how things are going for me, how my job is going etc. I am almost forty.

She talks incessantly and really doesn’t give AF about people around her. It’s all about image. There is zero emotional depth or awareness of others.

It was horrific to grow up with a narcissist mother and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I now recognize some behaviors of the “narcissistically injured” and work to mitigate those within myself. I also unfortunately have kind of adopted this very judgmental, image-conscious worldview from her which I also work to mitigate.

Being a parent has been very hard because I am definitely not going to repeat the blueprint I grew up with so find myself learning as I go, which is not easy! It’s also sad to have kids that outright do not like my mom (their grandmother) but I understand why.

[Anonymous]

Went to a post college trip to Amsterdam. Came back and told my mom about visiting the Anne Frank House. My mom said she cried when she heard about it way back when. No discussion about the horrors of the Holocaust or inhumanity or anything like that. Mom "cried".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Went to a post college trip to Amsterdam. Came back and told my mom about visiting the Anne Frank House. My mom said she cried when she heard about it way back when. No discussion about the horrors of the Holocaust or inhumanity or anything like that. Mom "cried".

I'm sure you have other examples but this isn't it

[Anonymous]

People love my mom. They think she's clever, charming, self deprecating, talented, etc.

And she is. She's all those things.

But she doesn't have room for anyone's needs but her own.

This is a small and silly story.

For about five years of my childhood, I wanted a particular American Girl doll above anything else in the world, consistently. Never wavered. We weren't well off, but it was literally the only thing I wanted. Over those five years, my mom and her family members regularly engaged with me in conversation about my love for this character and desire for the doll. But I never got it. I got less expensive items, and more expensive items. But never the doll itself. Like, they sent me to horse camp every summer when I was meh on horses. I had the huge Victorian PlayMobile dollhouse with all the accessories down to the piano that played real music, but not the AG doll.

Years later, my then fiance found the then discontinued doll on eBay and bought it for me after hearing me tell the story above. It was half a joke and half a message of "hey, I see you." A few days later, I was talking to my mom and I told her about fiance getting me the doll.

She immediately interrupted me to tell me about a new AG doll that had her name and was from her 'era' and how someone had bought it for her because it was just such this amazing coincidence.

It's that dynamic over and over again. It wears you down. I could tell you other stories - about violating boundaries around my children or two decades of expecting me to put my own needs second to hers - but it comes down to this:

A narcissistic parent thinks they are the sun in the solar system. The worst ones don't even realize there are other bodies in the solar system.

[Anonymous]

FIL surveys the situation and finds your weakest point and calls attention to it. House is messy or job isn't great and he says some under the radar comment about it. If you try to call him on it, he will just continue.

He obsessed with people working or not working. Always has to bring up how I get SOO many breaks as a teacher. He brought up how I had soo many weeks off on maternity leave.

A lot of family issues stem because my BIL will not speak to him and if BIL is at a family event FIL is not invited. So we will be having a dinner and BIL will run out if FIL barges in.

So one Christmas, I ordered a whole foods dinner for 6 for FIL and my family because Christmas is always a trainwreck. We get everything and ready and start setting at 10 am and he has been told a few times we are planning to eat for noon. He just doesn't show up (we are at my in laws house). His phone is off and he is unreachable. We leave the house at 2:30pm. He returns at 4pm claiming he forgot and found some tourists to eat with at a downtown church service.

For him, there is subtly bullying component of making other feel bad. His personality isn't genuine. It feels like you are talking to an actor.

[Anonymous]

Most of these are not a narcissistic parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People love my mom. They think she's clever, charming, self deprecating, talented, etc.

And she is. She's all those things.

But she doesn't have room for anyone's needs but her own.

This is a small and silly story.

For about five years of my childhood, I wanted a particular American Girl doll above anything else in the world, consistently. Never wavered. We weren't well off, but it was literally the only thing I wanted. Over those five years, my mom and her family members regularly engaged with me in conversation about my love for this character and desire for the doll. But I never got it. I got less expensive items, and more expensive items. But never the doll itself. Like, they sent me to horse camp every summer when I was meh on horses. I had the huge Victorian PlayMobile dollhouse with all the accessories down to the piano that played real music, but not the AG doll.

Years later, my then fiance found the then discontinued doll on eBay and bought it for me after hearing me tell the story above. It was half a joke and half a message of "hey, I see you." A few days later, I was talking to my mom and I told her about fiance getting me the doll.

She immediately interrupted me to tell me about a new AG doll that had her name and was from her 'era' and how someone had bought it for her because it was just such this amazing coincidence.

It's that dynamic over and over again. It wears you down. I could tell you other stories - about violating boundaries around my children or two decades of expecting me to put my own needs second to hers - but it comes down to this:

A narcissistic parent thinks they are the sun in the solar system. The worst ones don't even realize there are other bodies in the solar system.

The narcissist . might be you.