Best friend divorcing

[Anonymous]

My best friend of 35 years (like a sister to me) says she isn’t in love with her husband. She likes him and they are friends, but she isn’t in love with him and doesn’t think she can get there. She had felt this way since before they got married but they have kids and she has stayed because of them. She feels like she is at the end of her rope now - she is always sad, crying, etc and says there is no connection and she doesn’t know what to do. Her husband is very powerful (think C-suite at a billion dollar company) and his ego won’t take this well and may make her life difficult. I’m also not sure it’s the right move for her, she seems depressed and am not sure how to guide her. What advice can I give her or how can I support her? She is seeing a therapist and is open to anything but she can’t seem to get out of this cycle that she wants to leave him.
I shouldn’t reach out to him right? I think he would be completely shocked by all of this.

[Anonymous]

How could you even think of reaching out to him??? You said yourself he could make her life very difficult. What's wrong with you?

Before divorcing, she needs to get that anxiety and depression under control. She also needs to rule out physical illnesses that can trigger depression, such as hypothyroidism. She should also figure out a way to discreetly pay for a divorce attorney to understand what she might be entitled to, and be up against.

But insist on the depression treatment. Crying because you want to divorce a man you LIKE but not love, should never be a reason to be so sad. She sounds mentally ill, to be honest, and divorce is not a cure for that - she's going to hurt her kids even more.

[Anonymous]

Crying because you’re unhappy with your spouse is to be expected. Nothing weird about this, especially when kids are involved and you’re deeply unhappy.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I just meant tell her DH that she was unhappy so he could try a little harder. I feel like he is a brother to me so I feel badly for him in this too. I wouldn’t mention that she wants to leave. But I won’t do it.

[Anonymous]

What is he is tired of her too?

[Anonymous]

So she married someone she didn’t really love for money, lifestyle, status. Now she is faux crying but probably really excited inside about how much money she can take from him. She will have the lifestyle but not have to spend time daily with a man she doesn’t love. Sounds like this was the plan all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she married someone she didn’t really love for money, lifestyle, status. Now she is faux crying but probably really excited inside about how much money she can take from him. She will have the lifestyle but not have to spend time daily with a man she doesn’t love. Sounds like this was the plan all along.

False. He wasn’t doing well when they got married. He didn’t come from money, didn’t have money, wasn’t making money.
A divorce would take away a lot of perks that come with his job and would change her lifestyle a lot for the worse while his continues to get better, but she doesn’t care about that.
Please be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she married someone she didn’t really love for money, lifestyle, status. Now she is faux crying but probably really excited inside about how much money she can take from him. She will have the lifestyle but not have to spend time daily with a man she doesn’t love. Sounds like this was the plan all along.

False. He wasn’t doing well when they got married. He didn’t come from money, didn’t have money, wasn’t making money.
A divorce would take away a lot of perks that come with his job and would change her lifestyle a lot for the worse while his continues to get better, but she doesn’t care about that.
Please be kind.

I'll believe you. But she does sound really whiny, and I think she's depressed, and not just because of her marriage. It's a little risky to make life-altering decisions in this state.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to talk to a lawyer? Why would staying with someone who makes her miserable be the better option? What kind of friend are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she married someone she didn’t really love for money, lifestyle, status. Now she is faux crying but probably really excited inside about how much money she can take from him. She will have the lifestyle but not have to spend time daily with a man she doesn’t love. Sounds like this was the plan all along.

False. He wasn’t doing well when they got married. He didn’t come from money, didn’t have money, wasn’t making money.
A divorce would take away a lot of perks that come with his job and would change her lifestyle a lot for the worse while his continues to get better, but she doesn’t care about that.
Please be kind.

I'll believe you. But she does sound really whiny, and I think she's depressed, and not just because of her marriage. It's a little risky to make life-altering decisions in this state.

I appreciate the honest assessment. I will try to get her to get help for the depression first.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Not your business. She will do well financially. He won't be able to "make her life difficult." She has a reason to go to court. They have money. And he knows it. She will get 50/50 of martial assets.

The only thing I would tell her is this: do not count on meeting someone else. That is not a reason to divorce. If she would rather be single permanently vs. stay in a situation that makes her sad, then she should divorce. But have eyes wide open that "love" is not likely to be found. That ship has sailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to talk to a lawyer? Why would staying with someone who makes her miserable be the better option? What kind of friend are you?

A friend who is trying her best to help and who is posting on an anonymous board getting yelled at by strangers because I care and want to help her. A friend who is at a loss but will do anything to help her friend.

[Anonymous]

I agree she may be depressed. She has lots of money to address quality of life issues.

Many people never fall in love like you see in the movies and a lot of that is hormonal and fades anyway. I think she's a bit old/the marriage is so long-term that it's not wise to divorce unless she really wants to date or otherwise really shake things up.

This divorce will affect grandparenting. That may be quite saddening.

[Anonymous]

... but you don't want to help her.

You want to rat her out to the potentially abusive partner she wants to leave. You insult her intelligence and clearly care more about her financial status than her mental health.

With friends like these...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree she may be depressed. She has lots of money to address quality of life issues.

Many people never fall in love like you see in the movies and a lot of that is hormonal and fades anyway. I think she's a bit old/the marriage is so long-term that it's not wise to divorce unless she really wants to date or otherwise really shake things up.

This divorce will affect grandparenting. That may be quite saddening.

This should be literally the last thing on her mind when divorcing