Weird situation about cheating.

[Anonymous]

DH is very possessive. He does not like me talking to men (regardless of if he is present or not, regardless of if they are professional contacts or not). If I do talk to a man, I am accused of cheating.

I have not cheated on DH, emotionally, physically, or otherwise. I have had male coworkers that I would joke around with in a co-ed work setting (group chit chat in the lunch room, or at a group dinner while at a conference). I have been social with the dads (and moms!) in my kids’ circles (chatting in the bleachers during little league, etc). But I didn’t talk to these people outside of those specified times or activities.

Because of my husband’s accusations, I started changing my behavior. I bring a book to baseball, or eat my lunch in my office, and I dropped out of the group chat.

About 18 months ago, there was a woman on my husband’s softball team who he would always talk about. I saw them together a few times, and she was quite attentive to him, like she had a crush. I didn’t really care but during one of our arguments about me talking to/accusations of me sleeping with other men, I brought this woman up and how was the double standard ok?

I was told it was OK because he wouldn’t cheat, and she was happily married and didn’t pose a threat, and that she was moving at the end of the year anyway (last year). The season ended, and I stopped hearing about her. The accusations of cheating started to insinuate that he had stopped talking to the softball friend because of me.

Then two weeks ago, I went to one of his games, and she was there, playing on the team like always (it didn’t seem to be a “in town for the holiday weekend and subbing in” type of thing). I still don’t have the full story about why she was there. Something about they needed female players, and I declined to play, so she stepped in, and since she already paid the league fees and arranged her work schedule to play, it was unreasonable that I was questioning her presence. But basically it’s my fault. And there is no explanation about how she is still in the area when she supposedly moved. Apparently she “still gets the emails”.

Then last week, my husband started saying it wouldn’t be a big deal if I slept with someone else as long as I didn’t divorce him, and that crushes on other people are normal and healthy in a marriage. All while accusing me of cheating on him with a dad from my kid’s scout troop (I’m not).

I don’t know what the heck is going on anymore. I now feel like there was something that happened between him and the woman from softball—maybe last year, maybe this year—and he is trying to give me a free pass. Thinking about that makes me sick. But then why continue to accuse me of cheating?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry op. People that cheat often accuse their partners of cheating. It’s a weird like if I’m doing it then it makes me suspicious of my partner, defensive thing. So I do think this is concerning. At a minimum the behavior sounds emotionally abusive to me because he should not be possessive or controlling of you in any way. I would get individual therapy to start to get support for yourself to navigate next steps in your relationship and have a safe place for yourself (couples therapy is not necessarily the best place to start if there is potentially some power and control dynamics like you’re describing so at least individual therapy I know would be safe)

[Anonymous]

You are in an abusive relationship. That’s what is going on.

[Anonymous]

You are with him why? Work on your self esteem issues.

[Anonymous]

Vow. There is so much more to life than what you two are doing. Nobody wants you and nobody wants him.
You two need to grow up or get away from one another.

[Anonymous]

Cheater project their own feelings onto their partners.

He's cheating on you.

[Anonymous]

He’s both emotionally abusive and cheating for real. Get your financials in order and diverse that guy now. Prolly need a protective order

[Anonymous]

Divorce not diverse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are with him why? Work on your self esteem issues.

Because our marriage is good and in a vacuum, his demands don’t seem unreasonable and were easy to comply with. You don’t want me talking to the baseball dads or my dumbass colleagues? That’s fine; I was really just being polite and social and a team player. I’m naturally somewhat introverted, so sitting quietly or ordering room service, or reading if my kid isn’t playing is fine by me.

Frankly, apart from the double standard, I didn’t really care about the woman from softball. I trust(ed?) my husband, and realize I really can’t police him (or anyone) into fidelity. But the deceit about her continued participation has really hit me hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are with him why? Work on your self esteem issues.

Because our marriage is good and in a vacuum, his demands don’t seem unreasonable and were easy to comply with. You don’t want me talking to the baseball dads or my dumbass colleagues? That’s fine; I was really just being polite and social and a team player. I’m naturally somewhat introverted, so sitting quietly or ordering room service, or reading if my kid isn’t playing is fine by me.

Frankly, apart from the double standard, I didn’t really care about the woman from softball. I trust(ed?) my husband, and realize I really can’t police him (or anyone) into fidelity. But the deceit about her continued participation has really hit me hard.

You’re either a troll or have some deep issues. No one and I mean no one should be able to dictate who you talk to. The fact that you say you can’t control him while having no issues with him controlling you should be very concerning.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is cheating on you. Please talk to a lawyer Monday and make an appointment to get checked for STD's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are with him why? Work on your self esteem issues.

Because our marriage is good and in a vacuum, his demands don’t seem unreasonable and were easy to comply with. You don’t want me talking to the baseball dads or my dumbass colleagues? That’s fine; I was really just being polite and social and a team player. I’m naturally somewhat introverted, so sitting quietly or ordering room service, or reading if my kid isn’t playing is fine by me.

Frankly, apart from the double standard, I didn’t really care about the woman from softball. I trust(ed?) my husband, and realize I really can’t police him (or anyone) into fidelity. But the deceit about her continued participation has really hit me hard.

You’re either a troll or have some deep issues. No one and I mean no one should be able to dictate who you talk to. The fact that you say you can’t control him while having no issues with him controlling you should be very concerning.

I wish I was a troll…

My therapist would say he controls me because I allow him to control me. I allow it because the cost of this control is worth have a solid marriage (to me, it might not be worth it to others).

What bothers me is:
1. Double standards. He can have all the female friends he wants. But if that’s what he wants, than that’s what I can have.
2. Deceit. Why lie (either blatantly or by omission) about this woman’s status? I didn’t care that he had female friends.
3. The accusations of cheating. The conversation gets so tiring after awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are with him why? Work on your self esteem issues.

Because our marriage is good and in a vacuum, his demands don’t seem unreasonable and were easy to comply with. You don’t want me talking to the baseball dads or my dumbass colleagues? That’s fine; I was really just being polite and social and a team player. I’m naturally somewhat introverted, so sitting quietly or ordering room service, or reading if my kid isn’t playing is fine by me.

Frankly, apart from the double standard, I didn’t really care about the woman from softball. I trust(ed?) my husband, and realize I really can’t police him (or anyone) into fidelity. But the deceit about her continued participation has really hit me hard.

You’re either a troll or have some deep issues. No one and I mean no one should be able to dictate who you talk to. The fact that you say you can’t control him while having no issues with him controlling you should be very concerning.

I wish I was a troll…

My therapist would say he controls me because I allow him to control me. I allow it because the cost of this control is worth have a solid marriage (to me, it might not be worth it to others).

What bothers me is:
1. Double standards. He can have all the female friends he wants. But if that’s what he wants, than that’s what I can have.
2. Deceit. Why lie (either blatantly or by omission) about this woman’s status? I didn’t care that he had female friends.
3. The accusations of cheating. The conversation gets so tiring after awhile.

None of it is ok. Your marriage is far from being solid. You are married to a selfish man child and probably a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are with him why? Work on your self esteem issues.

Because our marriage is good and in a vacuum, his demands don’t seem unreasonable and were easy to comply with. You don’t want me talking to the baseball dads or my dumbass colleagues? That’s fine; I was really just being polite and social and a team player. I’m naturally somewhat introverted, so sitting quietly or ordering room service, or reading if my kid isn’t playing is fine by me.

Frankly, apart from the double standard, I didn’t really care about the woman from softball. I trust(ed?) my husband, and realize I really can’t police him (or anyone) into fidelity. But the deceit about her continued participation has really hit me hard.

NP. Actually the fact that a husband "demands" anything of his wife is totally unreasonable. That he doesn't want you to chat with your colleagues is completely unreasonable. What if a male colleague comes up to you? Are you supposed to plug your ears and sing "La la la, I can't hear you!" to him? You are being obtuse. Your husband is cheating on you. He is wildly insecure (which is where possessiveness comes from) and trying to make himself feel better by cheating.

[Anonymous]

Can't you see your husband is trying to isolate you? This is a HUGE red flag with a blaring siren.