Aging parents overseas

[Anonymous]

I have lived in the U.S. for about 20 years and my immediate family (parents, sister and two brothers) live overseas. I visit them twice a year for 2-3 weeks each time with my daughter (17). They do not visit here. My husband died 5 years ago. It was a sudden and unexpected death that had a huge impact on me and my daughter. We survived and really bonded during this time and little by little we put our lives back together. I found a new career that supported us both and she is getting ready to go to college now. She is a good student, athlete and thrives in extra-curricular activities. About a little over a year ago, I started dating someone. We took it slow and our relationship grew. My daughter adores him and she met his children and we have slowly been growing together as a couple and sort of a blended family. His kids are a bit older, but everyone gets along and he has a decent relationship with his ex-wife. This summer, I took him to meet my family and to my surprise, it was not a good visit. He got along fine with my father and my siblings, but my Mom rejected the relationship saying that bringing him there made the visit more difficult and she wasn't able to spend as much time with me. I took her out shopping, ice cream, dinners and I also took the entire family out. She is limited in her conversation because she is mostly at home and it mainly centers around gossip about neighbors and friends. I spend five days with my parents exclusively before my boyfriend arrived for another week. She told me to not bring anyone around anymore when visiting in the future. I also noticed that the home was no longer in the same condition that it was in the past. There is a lot of clutter and they now have two cats and there is a strong smell of cat urine. I tried to clean during those five days and explain that it is very important to put away wet cat food (so that flies don't infest the feeding area) and to clean the litter box frequently. My mother took this as criticism of her housekeeping skills. She has had cleaning ladies, but they never last because she is so critical. I communicate with her daily and I try to always share things with her including lots of pictures yet she never liked any of them that show me with my current boyfriend. She often complains that I will not be able to take care of her when she gets much older and that she would have preferred me moving back to help her. She is 80 now. I also suggested assisted living or 55+ communities, but both of my parents said that they will never move away from their home. Unfortunately, it isn't as easy because I have a career here and I'm not eligible for retirement benefits yet and my daughter needs me to support her through college. My father usually keeps quiet through all of this. I'm really at a loss. I feel like a terrible daughter because I allowed myself to fall in love again and to try to create a new life and family for myself. Perhaps, it isn't meant for me. Living through my late husband's death was really really hard and my parents were not able to support me or visit me during this time. I have some very good friends though who helped me during those years and everyone is thrilled that I found at least a bit of happiness again. But I have a difficult time allowing myself to feel this because I also feel that I should take care of my parents.

[Anonymous]

Do not allow your mom to interfere with the relationship with your new man. You deserve your happiness too. If she is going to be resistant make a shorter trip to visit your family and then meet up with your boyfriend separately.
I don’t know what country you’re from. My family lives in India and it is affordable to hire full time help for cleaning, cooking as well as home health aides who will even work in shifts 24/7. Everything can be delivered to the house including medicines. Doctors will make house calls for routine matters and people will even come to the house to do blood draws, X-rays and ultrasounds. If something like that is available I would set it up for your parents. It is not uncommon for older people to resist change and become belligerent with age, but don’t get guilt-tripped into sacrificing your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your mom is experiencing age related decline and anxiety. I would look into an anxiety med for her. It might help with the criticism.

You have every right to date and remarry and I wish you happiness! And to live far from your parents if you choose. But you need to be realistic that this isn't a good deal for them. It just isn't, and expecting their support is like going to a dry well and expecting water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mom is experiencing age related decline and anxiety. I would look into an anxiety med for her. It might help with the criticism.

You have every right to date and remarry and I wish you happiness! And to live far from your parents if you choose. But you need to be realistic that this isn't a good deal for them. It just isn't, and expecting their support is like going to a dry well and expecting water.

I have tried for years to convince her to go to therapy or to try anxiety meds. She told me that therapy is for crazy people and that I should go to therapy, not her. I understand that this isn't easy and that having their daughter live on the other side of the world is not ideal. I'm not expecting them to be thrilled for me, but I was also left alone to navigate a new life and grief without their support. I am visiting as often as I can and I won't bring my new partner around anymore if it makes her uncomfortable, but I am not able to completely uproot my life at this point. My daughter is my #1 priority. I am her only parent and she deserves a Mom who is present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mom is experiencing age related decline and anxiety. I would look into an anxiety med for her. It might help with the criticism.

You have every right to date and remarry and I wish you happiness! And to live far from your parents if you choose. But you need to be realistic that this isn't a good deal for them. It just isn't, and expecting their support is like going to a dry well and expecting water.

I have tried for years to convince her to go to therapy or to try anxiety meds. She told me that therapy is for crazy people and that I should go to therapy, not her. I understand that this isn't easy and that having their daughter live on the other side of the world is not ideal. I'm not expecting them to be thrilled for me, but I was also left alone to navigate a new life and grief without their support. I am visiting as often as I can and I won't bring my new partner around anymore if it makes her uncomfortable, but I am not able to completely uproot my life at this point. My daughter is my #1 priority. I am her only parent and she deserves a Mom who is present.

Your mom will just have to deal. And you will have to deal with her being unhappy. Take a deep breath and accept that that's how she is and you can't fix it. Honestly, choosing to move far away comes with this kind of thing, even if you didn't forsee it at the time.

[Anonymous]

I come from a culture with familial expectations but it seems to me that she is worried (and maybe trying to sabotage?) your relationship because she is worried that you won’t support them anymore since your time and money will be shared with your bf (maybe she pictures marriage in the future). Do what you can to alleviate her concerns but you need and deserve to live your life. It’s possible to support them and do what you want to do. You owe that to yourself and your daughter. Good luck.

The cleanliness etc is probably related to them getting older. I know it’s hard to set this up internationally but even in developing countries, in large cities, they are beginning to have services rather than just individual people, which is much harder to manage not locally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture with familial expectations but it seems to me that she is worried (and maybe trying to sabotage?) your relationship because she is worried that you won’t support them anymore since your time and money will be shared with your bf (maybe she pictures marriage in the future). Do what you can to alleviate her concerns but you need and deserve to live your life. It’s possible to support them and do what you want to do. You owe that to yourself and your daughter. Good luck.

The cleanliness etc is probably related to them getting older. I know it’s hard to set this up internationally but even in developing countries, in large cities, they are beginning to have services rather than just individual people, which is much harder to manage not locally.

She does not want me to get remarried. She said that there isn't a need because I'm not having anymore children. I do not support them financially; they are well off living in Europe. She paid close attention to every cent that I spent to make sure that my boyfriend always paid his share. I have a lot more assets and savings (due to inheritance and life insurance), but I do not talk about these things with my boyfriend and I live a very very modest life style.

I have decided that I may do more frequent (and shorter) visits on my own now. The cleanliness issue is definitely getting worse. There are other family members helping with cleaning, but they have also voiced concerns. I have offered to pay for additional cleaning personnel, but she refuses it and she said that the cleaning services are subpar. I clean when I'm there, but it is literally a full-time job to get things on track. The biggest issue are the cats who are spraying and making a mess on carpets and keeping their food clean.

[Anonymous]

I don't wish this on you, but personality changes can be indicative of cognitive decline. Especially since she is 80, and dementia/Alzheimer's risk goes up as you age.

I had a relative that became self centered, belligerent, not capable of empathy, paranoid about money, and kind of a hoarder. These were early signs that frankly we all missed. We had thought early signs would be becoming more forgetful, but that isn't always true.

What your describing goes beyond her like/dislike of the boyfriend, so I feel like there could be more going on. Especially when you talk about the lack of cleanliness, being uncomfortable around strangers of any kind, etc.

I doubt she would agree to a cognitive test so I wouldn't even bring it up. Start with your father and have an honest (private) conversation about where your mother is at and how you can help him. It may be time to make decisions for her not with her. If she isn't able to see that she can't maintain a hygienic environment the time might be now.

Given that she is 80, it is time to make sure all legal documents and everything you need to step in are in order. Do you have the legal documents necessary to be able to take care of them in case something should happen that is recognized in their country? In other words, wills and medical/financial powers of attorney. That's where I would focus. Keep in mind that while legal documents prepared in the US should be recognized everywhere, that isn't always the case. Make sure you can manage their assets and health from anywhere in the world -- you may need two sets of documents to use in the US and then one to use in Europe. Also, selling property overseas can be extremely complicated -- you may want to start understanding the implications now.

If your mom is worried that your BF will take all the money they are leaving you, they can also draft their will in such that it protects you or earmarks funds to go directly to your daughter -- in case that gets the ball rolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mom is experiencing age related decline and anxiety. I would look into an anxiety med for her. It might help with the criticism.

You have every right to date and remarry and I wish you happiness! And to live far from your parents if you choose. But you need to be realistic that this isn't a good deal for them. It just isn't, and expecting their support is like going to a dry well and expecting water.

I have tried for years to convince her to go to therapy or to try anxiety meds. She told me that therapy is for crazy people and that I should go to therapy, not her. I understand that this isn't easy and that having their daughter live on the other side of the world is not ideal. I'm not expecting them to be thrilled for me, but I was also left alone to navigate a new life and grief without their support. I am visiting as often as I can and I won't bring my new partner around anymore if it makes her uncomfortable, but I am not able to completely uproot my life at this point. My daughter is my #1 priority. I am her only parent and she deserves a Mom who is present.

Your mom will just have to deal. And you will have to deal with her being unhappy. Take a deep breath and accept that that's how she is and you can't fix it. Honestly, choosing to move far away comes with this kind of thing, even if you didn't forsee it at the time.

+1

It may be impossible to please your mom, even if you’re objectively being a loving and responsible daughter.

[Anonymous]

Wall of text, can't read.

[Anonymous]

You have siblings there, it's their problem. Send money if that is an issue.
The cat pee could be human. I thought the smell in my mother's house was the cat. Tuns out it was her pee, she sat on towels and would not use Depends. She spent her last years homebound because of it.
The problem with your boyfriend is it makes it harder for her to get you to give up your life to serve her. It would be any person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have siblings there, it's their problem. Send money if that is an issue.
The cat pee could be human. I thought the smell in my mother's house was the cat. Tuns out it was her pee, she sat on towels and would not use Depends. She spent her last years homebound because of it.
The problem with your boyfriend is it makes it harder for her to get you to give up your life to serve her. It would be any person.

It is definitely the cats, but I noticed a smell in the bathroom as well. She uses pads for incontinence, but instead of putting the used ones in the trash, I found them in the bathroom cabinets wrapped in toilet paper. This is the reason for the bathroom smell. It was awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't wish this on you, but personality changes can be indicative of cognitive decline. Especially since she is 80, and dementia/Alzheimer's risk goes up as you age.

I had a relative that became self centered, belligerent, not capable of empathy, paranoid about money, and kind of a hoarder. These were early signs that frankly we all missed. We had thought early signs would be becoming more forgetful, but that isn't always true.

What your describing goes beyond her like/dislike of the boyfriend, so I feel like there could be more going on. Especially when you talk about the lack of cleanliness, being uncomfortable around strangers of any kind, etc.

I doubt she would agree to a cognitive test so I wouldn't even bring it up. Start with your father and have an honest (private) conversation about where your mother is at and how you can help him. It may be time to make decisions for her not with her. If she isn't able to see that she can't maintain a hygienic environment the time might be now.

Given that she is 80, it is time to make sure all legal documents and everything you need to step in are in order. Do you have the legal documents necessary to be able to take care of them in case something should happen that is recognized in their country? In other words, wills and medical/financial powers of attorney. That's where I would focus. Keep in mind that while legal documents prepared in the US should be recognized everywhere, that isn't always the case. Make sure you can manage their assets and health from anywhere in the world -- you may need two sets of documents to use in the US and then one to use in Europe. Also, selling property overseas can be extremely complicated -- you may want to start understanding the implications now.

If your mom is worried that your BF will take all the money they are leaving you, they can also draft their will in such that it protects you or earmarks funds to go directly to your daughter -- in case that gets the ball rolling.

I have a trust, will, power of attorney, medical directive for myself and my assets are totally protected. I'm generous, but I would not let someone use me. My Mom often tells me that she will not put her money or home in our names (my siblings and I) because she wants to use it for herself if needed (nursing home care etc.). This is completely fine with me and I do not expect or even want an inheritance. I told her that on many occasions. She refuses to fill out any paperwork that would allow us to manage their assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have siblings there, it's their problem. Send money if that is an issue.
The cat pee could be human. I thought the smell in my mother's house was the cat. Tuns out it was her pee, she sat on towels and would not use Depends. She spent her last years homebound because of it.
The problem with your boyfriend is it makes it harder for her to get you to give up your life to serve her. It would be any person.

It is definitely the cats, but I noticed a smell in the bathroom as well. She uses pads for incontinence, but instead of putting the used ones in the trash, I found them in the bathroom cabinets wrapped in toilet paper. This is the reason for the bathroom smell. It was awful.

Why would she do that? It sounds like she is having age related cognitive decline and that is the real problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have siblings there, it's their problem. Send money if that is an issue.
The cat pee could be human. I thought the smell in my mother's house was the cat. Tuns out it was her pee, she sat on towels and would not use Depends. She spent her last years homebound because of it.
The problem with your boyfriend is it makes it harder for her to get you to give up your life to serve her. It would be any person.

It is definitely the cats, but I noticed a smell in the bathroom as well. She uses pads for incontinence, but instead of putting the used ones in the trash, I found them in the bathroom cabinets wrapped in toilet paper. This is the reason for the bathroom smell. It was awful.

Why would she do that? It sounds like she is having age related cognitive decline and that is the real problem here.

She has been doing this for years. I notice it every time that I visit. I have not found the courage to ask about it, so I quietly remove the pads from the cabinet and put them in the trash. She seems to function normally, but I noticed a physical decline and therefore she is unable to keep up with the household chores of a very large house. My parents would really need to downsize, but they will never ever do this. I've tried suggestions, reached out to therapists, cleaning services etc. She also used to spend money compulsively on catalogue shopping and even got my father's salary seized a few times because she would hide the bills and not pay them. She was in her 30's and 40's at that time.