Having a really hard time with sorting out my priorities when it comes to RTO

[Anonymous]

I’ve worked in a corporate firm for many years. Back when I had my first seven years ago (pre covid) I was able to negotiate WFH four days a week and office once a week. Eventually during covid, I ended up going completely remote, but like most companies, mine has walked back on its WFH policies and is now requiring 3 days a week for everyone in the office. My commute is 90 minutes each way, best case scenario.

I am having a really hard time with deciding what to do - leaving my job, going in 3 days a week, or looking for a similar job closer to home.

I have three young kids under 7, and one has some special needs and needs a lot of scaffolding (severe adhd). I have always had full time childcare during working hours and am a top performer, so I’m not taking advantage, but WFH enabled me to do preschool drop off before starting work, and pickup during my lunch hour, see my kids during some small breaks, and have some flexibility for an elementary school pickup when needed. I’d be going from that to being gone 12+ hours a day, 3 days a week.

I have friends who love working and would lose their minds at home. I don’t dislike working, but I enjoy being with my kids and working from home was a compromise for me to be around while still contributing financially.

DH makes about 375k a year - so pretty good money, but not biglaw or anything where it’s a super obvious decision. I make about 175 + plus decent benefits. Combined we have a nice but not extravagant lifestyle. We have strong savings, have been maxing out 401k since I started working after college. We both come from well off families and while we don’t currently receive financial help (apart from therapies for our adhd child), one set of grandparents have set aside funds for grandchildren’scollege and the others are happy to help if I want to take some time away from working to prioritize the kids, which I know is very fortunate. medium and long term (we hope not for a long time) we stand to inherit a lot from various sources. Despite all of this, I’m having trouble accepting the help (and also counting on long term
Inheritance, which feels both crude and abstract) and losing the working element of my identity, but also having a hard time making a choice between my kids and my earning potential. I think my kids need me around and I enjoy being with them.

Anyone been in similar shoes with lessening flexibility at work? What did you decide to do?

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny and start looking for a new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a nanny and start looking for a new job.

We have a nanny. I just don’t want to be around significantly less than I already am.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t quit working but look for a job with a shorter commute or more wfh days. Hire an after-school nanny in the interim. My best work years with a young kid were when I had a lovely nanny who would pick up from preschool then school at around 3 and stay til 6 or 7.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your employer and asked for the same work situation you had pre-covid (and presumably had a track record of performing well with)? You've got to have some level of seniority if you've been there this long.

I only encourage you to make sure you've fully pursued this because in my experience, women are socialized not to ask for things like this. We hear the new policy and adjust without even trying to push back. I was in a similar situation and finally broke down and asked for 2 WFH days instead of 1 and they gave it to me without much issue. I could have had it a year or more earlier if I'd just asked. The worst they can say is no.

If you've done what you can to make it work with your new employer, then I'd suggest at least putting feelers out for another similar job with the flexibility you need. Though new job stress/transition is a a pain in the short term, if it's truly a better set up it will serve you and your family well ultimately.

[Anonymous]

Since you had a WFH deal before Covid and are a top performer, is there any chance that you can negotiate this again. You are not asking for something new, just a return to your previous position and benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to your employer and asked for the same work situation you had pre-covid (and presumably had a track record of performing well with)? You've got to have some level of seniority if you've been there this long.

I only encourage you to make sure you've fully pursued this because in my experience, women are socialized not to ask for things like this. We hear the new policy and adjust without even trying to push back. I was in a similar situation and finally broke down and asked for 2 WFH days instead of 1 and they gave it to me without much issue. I could have had it a year or more earlier if I'd just asked. The worst they can say is no.

If you've done what you can to make it work with your new employer, then I'd suggest at least putting feelers out for another similar job with the flexibility you need. Though new job stress/transition is a a pain in the short term, if it's truly a better set up it will serve you and your family well ultimately.

Yes - currently trying to negotiate 1 day a week in the office instead of 3, which I could compromise on. But I think anything more than that and I’d have to walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you had a WFH deal before Covid and are a top performer, is there any chance that you can negotiate this again. You are not asking for something new, just a return to your previous position and benefits.

The complication is that I have to switch roles because my team is eventually going to be dissolved. So I’m networking for new roles within new teams and also trying to navigate how much time I spend in the office (and commuting to the office) but I’m trying. If I walk, I’d get a good exit package when the time comes

[Anonymous]

LOL! How much do you think "Biglaw" people make if you don't think 375k is in the ballpark?

[Anonymous]

Can you drop to part-time, or flex your schedule to be four days a week (so 2 in 2 at home and 1 off ). I’m also only allowed 2 days per week TW, and going in 3 days was too much for me.

I asked my boss about dropping to 0.8 FTE, which wasn’t doable, but having that “I would seriously leave over this” convo prompted a lot more flexibility. For my office days, I now do super early time/leave by lunch to reduce traffic and ensure I’m home for the kids’ afternoon activities. It means my husband is solely responsible for getting kids to school those days, but it works. I also can bank extra hours worked at home to work fewer hours in office.

Some friends have done fmla, which may be doable as one of your kids has special needs.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

For 375k I'd likely quit. It likely wouldn't be a big cut to your lifestyle once you cut out things like aftercare and daycare. And I mean this seriously.

DH and I both make 170k, so ours is a much harder decision. We definitely could live on only 170k, but the 340k means we have nice college savings, maxed retirement accounts and nice vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL! How much do you think "Biglaw" people make if you don't think 375k is in the ballpark?

I assumed they were making at least double that! Is that wrong? Everytime someone posts here it’s like “DH was making 2 million dollars a year and I agonized over whether to quit my job”

[Anonymous]

With 375k income and grandparents paying for college, you can afford to walk away.

[Anonymous]

How stable is your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you drop to part-time, or flex your schedule to be four days a week (so 2 in 2 at home and 1 off ). I’m also only allowed 2 days per week TW, and going in 3 days was too much for me.

I asked my boss about dropping to 0.8 FTE, which wasn’t doable, but having that “I would seriously leave over this” convo prompted a lot more flexibility. For my office days, I now do super early time/leave by lunch to reduce traffic and ensure I’m home for the kids’ afternoon activities. It means my husband is solely responsible for getting kids to school those days, but it works. I also can bank extra hours worked at home to work fewer hours in office.

Some friends have done fmla, which may be doable as one of your kids has special needs.

Good luck.

Seriously this. I’m also a top performer married to someone who earns enough for me to walk away if I need to. My work knows it.

I negotiated a 0.8 ish schedule when my kids were little and still have some WAH flexibility. We both know if it stops working out they can take away my flexibility or I can walk. It’s been great though. I get a ton done and no one worries if I all meet my deadlines. I do refuse certain projects and I don’t advance like I could (refuse to apply for promotions even emu boss suggested it because I knew I would lose some flexibility). I am happy with the trade offs. A 12 hour day would be a deal breaker.

As a mom to a child with severe ADHD, I will say for us stuff got a lot better 8-10. Like A LOT better. I would not quit my job assuming this level of scaffolding is going to be necessary long term, especially if you are doing a lot of work now with therapy and coaching.