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SIL Never Says Thank You
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Anonymous
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For the last 5 months we have been living locally with my husband's mother, in his childhood home.
This is partly because we are adding an addition to our home, but mostly because my MIL has pretty severe Alzheimers. My FIL was her care taker until last fall when he died of a massive heart attack. All options for care facilities are either full, under construction, or just too gross. So, here we are providing care for her. I have cooked for her, picked her up when she falls drunk, taken over sooo many domestic duties, etc. The end is in sight (July 31) but I can't hold my tongue anymore. My SIL is in San Diego and has not done a single thing to assist in any of this. She has not visited, offered to instacart groceries, fly out for a week to give us a break. NOTHING. It is not for lack of time or money. She is 'retired' at 48 and her husband makes several million dollars a year and her kids are grown. She is dead to me. Do I let her know? Do I carry this to my grave? I thought typing this all out would help me but it actually just made me more furious. |
Anonymous
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She is dead to you. So she's not available to tell! Can't email a dead person. You are free of her.
Stick to your guns; people who won't help their own parents (absent abuse) don't deserve society. |
Anonymous
| In her mind, maybe you’re getting a freebie place to stay during renovations, and the price is elder care. I’m not saying that is right, but I am saying that there is a shytload of value in you not having to pay for a rental or stay in a hotel… |
Anonymous
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Of course you let her know. But start first from a calm place.
Do SIL know everything you’re doing? Have you asked for her to help in any way, shape or form? You can let her know how hard it’s been and that her lack of support is noticeable. Tell her that your resentment is getting in the way of your relationship with her. End with “What’s going on?” |
Anonymous
Uhhh, no. A rental would be $2800. Memory care in DC is $12,000. A month. Only a fool thinks OP is 'benefitting.' |
Anonymous
| You are getting free room and board in exchange. Fair trade if you ask me. |
Anonymous
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You probably need to discuss what MIL needs because if you are moving out at end of July, it sounds like someone else will need to be there to assist. So I would be very pleasant, but have your husband call his sister so that they can plan what/who is next up for her care.
He can take the opportunity to make clear how much the two of you have had to do and also to make it clear that after July, you guys will need to share the burden, whether that means moving her to assisted living (hopefully she is on a waitlist now) or sharing visit duties equitably for some amount of time. |
Anonymous
It will miraculously take OP and her husband 0 seconds to stuff MIL in a home the nanosecond the reno is finished and they move back into their home. |
Anonymous
When we look at short term rentals in 2001, when we did our renovation, the going rate was $3,000 month. While it wouldn’t be $12k, it would be much higher than $2800. Who would be taking care of her if you had not moved in? Have you all been living there since FIL passed away? |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you should thank them for living there for free. Why do you need them to pay for groceries if you can afford a remodel? |
Anonymous
| How is she getting alcohol if she has “pretty severe Alzheimer’s”? |
Anonymous
| What did she say to your DH when he asked her to come and stay so that you two could have a reprieve? |
Anonymous
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Just stop.
1. You can decide whether you want any relationship with your SIL based on whether your enjoy her company, the relationship works for you or whatever. She is not entitled to a relationship with you anymore than you are with her. It’s no a grand proclamation, or threat or strings attached thing. 2. Stop expecting other people to make the same choices you are making. You are choosing to move an Alzheimer’s patient into your home. It will be hell. It also is YOUR choice. It isn’t your SIL’s responsibility to lighten the load you chose to accept. Own your decision or change it don’t expect others to join in. |
Anonymous
This. No one who hasn't been in your shoes, OP, can fully measure the burden of caring for an elder who is not in control of their body and mind. It's so difficult, but no one understands. Your SIL has never done this, right? Of course she doesn't understand. Your husband should have spoken up earlier, and to be honest, the burden of care SHOULD NOT HAVE FALLEN ON YOU, THE DIL. Because your husband may live in the same house, but does he have the same burden as you? In all fairness, your SIL can't be dead to you if no one made an effort to explain to her how bad it was, and how she should pitch in. The first serious conversation you have with your SIL about this can't be you yelling your head off. You'll just alienate her. So the first step is you doing less, and your husband doing more. The second is your husband telling his sister that you two are really suffering here and that from now on, she has to come and do her share (whatever that looks like, a token amount is all you'll likely get!). And the third you didn't tell us about: what's happening on July 31st? Is your MIL going to memory care? In-home care? You would be fully justified in sending an email to the entire family and writing: "I have been the primary caregiver for Larla for X days, and now I am leaving this work to others." And you refuse to lift a finger for her. Your husband should deal with his mother. It will create more incentive for him to push his sister into helping! |
Anonymous
Because you're an idiot who doesn't understand what's going. Go away. |