Including young adult not on good terms with in family vacation

[Anonymous]

Looking for advice here about what to do with a young adult child who has dropped out of college and stopped most communications with us. They generally respond when they want something from us, otherwise usually doesn’t answer the phone or initiate phone calls. Has made a series of poor decisions.

Would you include them (paying for) them to go on family vacation? What if you included them last year and they talked poorly about you to other children or said things like “I’m only here because I wanted gifts” or was just generally not pleasant? Do you continue to include them because family vacations include everyone and deal with it being more stressful, or do you have them pay some of their own travel expenses since they are no longer a student, or exclude them entirely?

[Anonymous]

If they’ll make the vacation miserable, then no.

What’s going on with them? Have they always been like this?

[Anonymous]

I mean I think you can do whatever you want and it just depends on what you’re trying to achieve.

The only thing I wouldn’t do, personally, is have them pay some of the expenses unless that’s a blanket rule for all children over 22 even if they are a golden child on a scholarship to astronaut medical school.

Either invite them on the same terms as everyone else or don’t invite them because they are a jerk who ruins the vibe. But accept that not inviting them is a pretty huge confirmation that the relationship is not going well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean I think you can do whatever you want and it just depends on what you’re trying to achieve.

The only thing I wouldn’t do, personally, is have them pay some of the expenses unless that’s a blanket rule for all children over 22 even if they are a golden child on a scholarship to astronaut medical school.

Either invite them on the same terms as everyone else or don’t invite them because they are a jerk who ruins the vibe. But accept that not inviting them is a pretty huge confirmation that the relationship is not going well.

Oh wait, I just thought of something. If any of the younger children are step children, I would invite barring major, like criminal behavior on a previous trip. Basically I think elder child with younger step siblings is a very hard role and you have to bend over backwards to confirm that they have equal worth.

[Anonymous]

Do they want to come? Do all your children want to see each other and get along? Because this isn't just about you and him and what you perceive to be disappointing choices on his part. It's about the whole family, and their wishes and relationships. If you have the money, I would continue to include all your black sheep unless they've done something downright criminal.

As a child, I used to go to such family gatherings. Some aunts whispered about my uncle's wife (they didn't like her), the uncle's wife talked down to my much older cousin who had made "poor choices", one aunt stayed away of her own volition because she had declared she'd never see my uncle again, and of course my uncle and his parents were the one hosting. Family gatherings, in my experience, are never entirely peaceful.

But I cherish these memories nonetheless, OP.

[Anonymous]

If they are the oldest child (bio or step, doesn't matter), then this is your chance to set a precedent. I probably won't pay for vacations for adult children not in school. Assuming they are the oldest and living elsewhere, can't you plan a family vacation for the rest and not tell them about it? I'm the oldest; my parents took my siblings on vacations after I moved out for college, and I was left out—no big deal.

[Anonymous]

I have experience with this as the kid who was left out.

If you leave them out and your other children are invited, there are ramifications. From there on out, they are correct to be bitter about you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would cancel vacation instead of choosing to blacklist one of my children.

[Anonymous]

I think what matters more is the actual rift and reasons why. Do they feel lesser than the other kids in your eyes ? Because if so the sane route is to get some distance and the behavior is understandable. What discussion has occurred with them about how they feel?

[Anonymous]

For people saying OP must include the adult child, at what point do you think OP is off the hook for paying for an adult child's vacation? My parents stopped paying for me after I finished college, which seems reasonable. They also took my younger siblings on spring break trips when I was in college, which I couldn't attend because our spring breaks didn't align. This also seems reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I would ask them one time if they want to go. If they’re rude or don’t call back in a week then I’d go without them.

[Anonymous]

I would invite them - but I would also limit opportunities for them to ruin the trip by being neutral (the way you would be with a difficult adult). If they don't like the food, they may discover their own dinner, if they don't like the outing, they are welcome to hang back at the lodging, etc.
Not including a child who is being difficult, but also struggling may irreparably harm your relationship. Often young adults pull it together and you want to support that and be there for that if/when it happens.

[Anonymous]

For those asking, it’s all bio kids. The one in question is the middle child. The older siblings are “done” with middle sibling and have no contact with them (they are all at college) and one was on the receiving end of hurtful behavior last vacation. The younger two siblings are unaware of any drama and just happy to play with middle sibling.
Middle child definitely impacted older sibling’s enjoyment of last years vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For people saying OP must include the adult child, at what point do you think OP is off the hook for paying for an adult child's vacation? My parents stopped paying for me after I finished college, which seems reasonable. They also took my younger siblings on spring break trips when I was in college, which I couldn't attend because our spring breaks didn't align. This also seems reasonable.

I think there is probably a natural point where the parents are off the hook with paying vs. some defined moment. It depends on the dynamics. We have an only child, and I would probably pay or offer to pay for his vacation with us up until he gets married/ has a significant other. He wants to be independent and has said he feels embarrassed when I pay for things publicly. He certainly wouldn't find it tolerable for me to pay for him in front of a girlfriend/spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what matters more is the actual rift and reasons why. Do they feel lesser than the other kids in your eyes ? Because if so the sane route is to get some distance and the behavior is understandable. What discussion has occurred with them about how they feel?

We don’t actually know why. We have sent them to therapist after therapist. They don’t want to be in college and dropped out. Some (fairly minor) charges from traffic courts. They probably do feel lesser than the older siblings who are successful in college. They tend to just not respond when we try to discuss things.