S/o meeting the ex-wife: what are the girlfriends thinking?

[Anonymous]

Someone in the thread mentioned that for a single women with no kids, there’s many better options than marrying a man with young kids and an ex wife. That thread suggests there may be a lot of drama and even when no drama you’ll always be second to your boyfriends children.

Yet many women will want to do this and in fact do it. Why? What are they thinking is the appeal in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Probably that this is the best they can get.

Or that they can fix it with structure and boundaries or gentle parenting or crystals or essential oils or whatever dumb shit they're into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone in the thread mentioned that for a single women with no kids, there’s many better options than marrying a man with young kids and an ex wife. That thread suggests there may be a lot of drama and even when no drama you’ll always be second to your boyfriends children.

Yet many women will want to do this and in fact do it. Why? What are they thinking is the appeal in this situation?

So, most of these single women missed their windows to get married and start families themselves and now find themselves in their 30s and all the men are either:

-- Losers living in their parents' basement;
-- Players and disease-ridden commitment phobes;
-- Married

The DESIRABLE men available to them are either:

-- Younger and would absolutely take a roll in the hay with a cougar, but they're not gonna put a ring on it;
-- Divorced, many with kids.

These are not typical hot young women in their 20s who find themselves in these situations -- yes, they have plenty of options. But by the time you're in your 30s and female and you know your eggs are drying up by the second, you discover the script is flipped. There really aren't any "good men" in your age group left, because they were already snatched up by other women a decade or so before. That leaves either chasing after aging players or men with baggage. And usually, they're the ones with options now.

I'm surprised you needed this explained to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone in the thread mentioned that for a single women with no kids, there’s many better options than marrying a man with young kids and an ex wife. That thread suggests there may be a lot of drama and even when no drama you’ll always be second to your boyfriends children.

Yet many women will want to do this and in fact do it. Why? What are they thinking is the appeal in this situation?

So, most of these single women missed their windows to get married and start families themselves and now find themselves in their 30s and all the men are either:

-- Losers living in their parents' basement;
-- Players and disease-ridden commitment phobes;
-- Married

The DESIRABLE men available to them are either:

-- Younger and would absolutely take a roll in the hay with a cougar, but they're not gonna put a ring on it;
-- Divorced, many with kids.

These are not typical hot young women in their 20s who find themselves in these situations -- yes, they have plenty of options. But by the time you're in your 30s and female and you know your eggs are drying up by the second, you discover the script is flipped. There really aren't any "good men" in your age group left, because they were already snatched up by other women a decade or so before. That leaves either chasing after aging players or men with baggage. And usually, they're the ones with options now.

I'm surprised you needed this explained to you.

Harsh, but basically yes. So you try to get the least difficult ex wife possible.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't everyone in the adult dating pool have something that is considered baggage? My 6 closest guy friends are all married, but if they weren't I'd consider them awesome catches, but:
-One has an alcoholic dad who goes through cycles of needing support in treatment and such
-One has seasonal depression that can get dark a few months of the year
-One has a sibling with down syndrome they will have to care for or manage the care of when his parents pass away eventually
-One has an overbearing opinionated mother
-One has a job that will likely requrie 55 hour weeks forever
-One has a constant pain issue from a car accident that prevents him from doing overly strenuous activity and can flare up worse with damp weather.

But these guys are all high quality humans- kind, funny, communicative, smart, good incomes, etc.

Idk, my ex spouse had a complete mental breakdown which I faithfully tried to support them through for 5+ years before I needed to take care of myself and leave. It makes me sad to think if I fell in love again, people would advise them to run away from me based on an ex I can't control when I have so much goodness to give a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't everyone in the adult dating pool have something that is considered baggage? My 6 closest guy friends are all married, but if they weren't I'd consider them awesome catches, but:
-One has an alcoholic dad who goes through cycles of needing support in treatment and such
-One has seasonal depression that can get dark a few months of the year
-One has a sibling with down syndrome they will have to care for or manage the care of when his parents pass away eventually
-One has an overbearing opinionated mother
-One has a job that will likely requrie 55 hour weeks forever
-One has a constant pain issue from a car accident that prevents him from doing overly strenuous activity and can flare up worse with damp weather.

But these guys are all high quality humans- kind, funny, communicative, smart, good incomes, etc.

Idk, my ex spouse had a complete mental breakdown which I faithfully tried to support them through for 5+ years before I needed to take care of myself and leave. It makes me sad to think if I fell in love again, people would advise them to run away from me based on an ex I can't control when I have so much goodness to give a partner.

You really aren't helping the case for divorced men being good catches. I can't imagine marrying any of what you have described.

As to you, you can't be hurt if a partner doesn't want to also be saddled with your mentally unstable ex for the rest of their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't everyone in the adult dating pool have something that is considered baggage? My 6 closest guy friends are all married, but if they weren't I'd consider them awesome catches, but:
-One has an alcoholic dad who goes through cycles of needing support in treatment and such
-One has seasonal depression that can get dark a few months of the year
-One has a sibling with down syndrome they will have to care for or manage the care of when his parents pass away eventually
-One has an overbearing opinionated mother
-One has a job that will likely requrie 55 hour weeks forever
-One has a constant pain issue from a car accident that prevents him from doing overly strenuous activity and can flare up worse with damp weather.

But these guys are all high quality humans- kind, funny, communicative, smart, good incomes, etc.

Idk, my ex spouse had a complete mental breakdown which I faithfully tried to support them through for 5+ years before I needed to take care of myself and leave. It makes me sad to think if I fell in love again, people would advise them to run away from me based on an ex I can't control when I have so much goodness to give a partner.

You really aren't helping the case for divorced men being good catches. I can't imagine marrying any of what you have described.

As to you, you can't be hurt if a partner doesn't want to also be saddled with your mentally unstable ex for the rest of their life.

Being single for life is good for some, pp. You'll be OK. Get some cats, maybe.

[Anonymous]

This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

[Anonymous]

Charm. It's hard to resist a charming and charismatic man. And if he is genuine and honest he will convince you to drop all your prior biases about divorced men with kids. I am remarried and when my ex wife she was 33 and I was 47. She had no kids and I had 2. She came into the relationship with skepticism. Like I said above good looking men, hard-working, charming, and honest will easily compete with any single man never married no kids. I have no issues attracting women due to my divorced status. Some of the divorced women on this forum were burned in their prior marriages. Their spouses might have cheated on them. They may have been sexually neglect etc So they don't talk positively about divorced men and lump all divorced men in the same bag going as far as predicting that such men will even abandon their kids. No all divorced men fit the dark profile portrayed by many women on this forum.

And let me say this as well. When you are one on one with a woman and you are entirely focus on her and she gives you the opportunity to prove to her that you are worth it, the task is not complicated for the man I described above. She will go back to her girlfriend they will still try to convince her to rethink but yet she will still meet you because you are intriguing and charismatic.

[Anonymous]

I have one friend who did this and I think her reasons, aside from the usual stuff, like he's handsome, fit and charismatic, were (1) he is super rich, even after the divorce, and (2) she could see that he is a good father, plus he had a lot of awareness when they were dating that she would want kids of her own and promised her that he'd love to have kids with her. I think she's pretty happy because (1) she's super rich now and (2) he's an involved, good father to their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Charm. It's hard to resist a charming and charismatic man. And if he is genuine and honest he will convince you to drop all your prior biases about divorced men with kids. I am remarried and when my ex wife she was 33 and I was 47. She had no kids and I had 2. She came into the relationship with skepticism. Like I said above good looking men, hard-working, charming, and honest will easily compete with any single man never married no kids. I have no issues attracting women due to my divorced status. Some of the divorced women on this forum were burned in their prior marriages. Their spouses might have cheated on them. They may have been sexually neglect etc So they don't talk positively about divorced men and lump all divorced men in the same bag going as far as predicting that such men will even abandon their kids. No all divorced men fit the dark profile portrayed by many women on this forum.

And let me say this as well. When you are one on one with a woman and you are entirely focus on her and she gives you the opportunity to prove to her that you are worth it, the task is not complicated for the man I described above. She will go back to her girlfriend they will still try to convince her to rethink but yet she will still meet you because you are intriguing and charismatic.

One, you sound a little overbearing with your charm. But, that aside, just being divorced with kids isn't the problem. It's having baggage that is obvious. A crazy ex, or any of the descriptions that the PP described. I also think charm can make the new gf glaze over a crazy ex. But once married, she is then stuck with the crazy ex. That is what people warn against. Don't let him charm you so much that you disregard reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

I don't disagree with this. But I think an Ex is less crazy in a situation if the new wife puts the step kids first and doesn't want her own kids. I know a couple of my mom's friends who married divorced men with kids and didn't have kids of their own. It's only problematic now when the DH starts needing help and the kids have to step in and shunt the forever new woman aside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Charm. It's hard to resist a charming and charismatic man. And if he is genuine and honest he will convince you to drop all your prior biases about divorced men with kids. I am remarried and when my ex wife she was 33 and I was 47. She had no kids and I had 2. She came into the relationship with skepticism. Like I said above good looking men, hard-working, charming, and honest will easily compete with any single man never married no kids. I have no issues attracting women due to my divorced status. Some of the divorced women on this forum were burned in their prior marriages. Their spouses might have cheated on them. They may have been sexually neglect etc So they don't talk positively about divorced men and lump all divorced men in the same bag going as far as predicting that such men will even abandon their kids. No all divorced men fit the dark profile portrayed by many women on this forum.

And let me say this as well. When you are one on one with a woman and you are entirely focus on her and she gives you the opportunity to prove to her that you are worth it, the task is not complicated for the man I described above. She will go back to her girlfriend they will still try to convince her to rethink but yet she will still meet you because you are intriguing and charismatic.

One, you sound a little overbearing with your charm. But, that aside, just being divorced with kids isn't the problem. It's having baggage that is obvious. A crazy ex, or any of the descriptions that the PP described. I also think charm can make the new gf glaze over a crazy ex. But once married, she is then stuck with the crazy ex. That is what people warn against. Don't let him charm you so much that you disregard reality.

You cannot influence an independent woman with her own independent judgment from falling for a charming man. Most of the so called baggage and criticism of divorced men come from divorced women. They just can' t let it go. These women are the ones supposedly "warning" the single women, but in reality they just can't let it go that they are no longer married.