S/o meeting the ex-wife: what are the girlfriends thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

I don’t think this is universally the case. One of my friends missed the window, didn’t want kids with her previous partners for various reasons, but is absolutely overjoyed with being a stepmother to her bonus children. My SIL is also similar - my bother had my niece but but by the time they met and got settled neither was super attracted to going through the baby phase and the like. She is an absolutely incredible “bonus mother” and you’d never realize if you saw her with me niece that’s she’s not actually her mother. ExSIL often makes things difficult, but she rolls with it and she, my brother and niece are a completely stable and healthy family during their time together.

It doesn’t all have to be drama when there’s grownups in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

I don’t think this is universally the case. One of my friends missed the window, didn’t want kids with her previous partners for various reasons, but is absolutely overjoyed with being a stepmother to her bonus children. My SIL is also similar - my bother had my niece but but by the time they met and got settled neither was super attracted to going through the baby phase and the like. She is an absolutely incredible “bonus mother” and you’d never realize if you saw her with me niece that’s she’s not actually her mother. ExSIL often makes things difficult, but she rolls with it and she, my brother and niece are a completely stable and healthy family during their time together.

It doesn’t all have to be drama when there’s grownups in the room.

I'm the PP and agree - it's why I said, "more often than not". I certainly don't want my daughter to date a divorced man with kids, but I recognize it works out occasionally, with Kamala Harris being the most notable example that comes to mind.

[Anonymous]

This forum is often so detached from reality it's crazy. I know a few men my age who are divorced and successfully remarried to single women. Not every ex wife is crazy. Not every ex husband is unable to manage his own kids and new girlfriend.

Let us be realistic and honest. This is a basic statistical fact. When a woman for example is 35 and single, out of 50 men, for example, how many are single/never married (but want to be married/ no kids/ good job/ no substance abuse/ attractive/ etc. Let's assume all 35 years single women want these men. You see the mismatch here? You are probably taking about 1 such eligible man for every single 35 years old woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

I don’t think this is universally the case. One of my friends missed the window, didn’t want kids with her previous partners for various reasons, but is absolutely overjoyed with being a stepmother to her bonus children. My SIL is also similar - my bother had my niece but but by the time they met and got settled neither was super attracted to going through the baby phase and the like. She is an absolutely incredible “bonus mother” and you’d never realize if you saw her with me niece that’s she’s not actually her mother. ExSIL often makes things difficult, but she rolls with it and she, my brother and niece are a completely stable and healthy family during their time together.

It doesn’t all have to be drama when there’s grownups in the room.

I'm the PP and agree - it's why I said, "more often than not". I certainly don't want my daughter to date a divorced man with kids, but I recognize it works out occasionally, with Kamala Harris being the most notable example that comes to mind.

I agree with you 100%. As a dad I wouldn't that for my daughter either. And I wouldn't want my son to date a divorced woman with kids either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

I don’t think this is universally the case. One of my friends missed the window, didn’t want kids with her previous partners for various reasons, but is absolutely overjoyed with being a stepmother to her bonus children. My SIL is also similar - my bother had my niece but but by the time they met and got settled neither was super attracted to going through the baby phase and the like. She is an absolutely incredible “bonus mother” and you’d never realize if you saw her with me niece that’s she’s not actually her mother. ExSIL often makes things difficult, but she rolls with it and she, my brother and niece are a completely stable and healthy family during their time together.

It doesn’t all have to be drama when there’s grownups in the room.

I'm the PP and agree - it's why I said, "more often than not". I certainly don't want my daughter to date a divorced man with kids, but I recognize it works out occasionally, with Kamala Harris being the most notable example that comes to mind.

I agree with you 100%. As a dad I wouldn't that for my daughter either. And I wouldn't want my son to date a divorced woman with kids either.

I think it's different with divorced women with kids because of she tells the guy that she is busy on xyz date and has to cancel a date last minute in 99.99% of cases the man will totally understand and be cool about it. Men expect women to be available for their kids all the time. Now if you are a divorced man and cancel on your girlfriend las minute due to your kids, you are on borrowed time. Single women without kids are still going to expect them to put them first. So the baggage that you carry from your divorce mostly affect you if you are the dad.

[Anonymous]

I'm watching this play out in my extended family right now. The divorced relative's new wife is a mid-30s woman who is desperate to have kids, sees my relative as her best bet, and seems really naive about the trade offs that come with marrying someone who already has kids. She doesn't seem to like my relative's kids much at all and, frankly, I've lost respect for my relative for remarrying someone who doesn't get along with his kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

I don’t think this is universally the case. One of my friends missed the window, didn’t want kids with her previous partners for various reasons, but is absolutely overjoyed with being a stepmother to her bonus children. My SIL is also similar - my bother had my niece but but by the time they met and got settled neither was super attracted to going through the baby phase and the like. She is an absolutely incredible “bonus mother” and you’d never realize if you saw her with me niece that’s she’s not actually her mother. ExSIL often makes things difficult, but she rolls with it and she, my brother and niece are a completely stable and healthy family during their time together.

It doesn’t all have to be drama when there’s grownups in the room.

I'm the PP and agree - it's why I said, "more often than not". I certainly don't want my daughter to date a divorced man with kids, but I recognize it works out occasionally, with Kamala Harris being the most notable example that comes to mind.

Kamala Harris was 49 years old when she married Doug Emhoff. When Harris and Emhoff married, Emhoff's children from his previous marriage were about 20 and 15. At their marriage, Harris was established as California's Attorney General, which likely meant she had both financial independence and significant professional responsibilities that left her little time for Emhoff. And being 49 when she married, Harris was beyond typical childbearing years, which probably eliminated potential tension around having biological children together. Also, Doug’s ex Kerstin maintained a friendly relationship with both Doug and Kamala - Kerstin has even spoken warmly about Harris as a stepmother on several occasions, suggesting she isn't someone who would create unnecessary drama in their relationship. So, the kind of exception that would warrant a single woman marrying a divorced dad with kids should include factors like (1) the woman is beyond her childbearing years, (2) the stepkids are in college or close to college age, (3) the woman has her own career or hobbies that keep her busy, (4) the ex-wife is reasonable and welcoming of the new wife, and (5) the husband is successful and not relying on his new wife’s resources to meet his financial or other obligations to his children.

[Anonymous]

The real key to it working, besides the new woman not wanting to have kids of her own, is that the man is wealthy, like Emhoff. You can share your husband's time with his kids, but when you're not able to afford the house, car, travel, retirement that you want because he needs to fund their college and weddings and cover the cost for those kids to join you on vacation to Europe, there will be problems. For men who divorced women who didn't earn much or didn't work at all, they usually have onerous alimony payments that really drain their accounts, even if they are high earners.

Women who never had their own children will have a very difficult time truly understanding the parent-child bond, and that situation is ripe for lots of negative feelings. If he's a decent dad, he'll make sure that when he dies, his kids inherit at least half of his estate instead of it all going to his surviving wife. Most second wives would not be okay with that.

[Anonymous]

When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

So, like a true see you next Tuesday, you ended things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

So, like a true see you next Tuesday, you ended things?

Yes. I wanted marriage and biological kids. Breaking up with him freed me up to eventually have those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

I don’t think this is universally the case. One of my friends missed the window, didn’t want kids with her previous partners for various reasons, but is absolutely overjoyed with being a stepmother to her bonus children. My SIL is also similar - my bother had my niece but but by the time they met and got settled neither was super attracted to going through the baby phase and the like. She is an absolutely incredible “bonus mother” and you’d never realize if you saw her with me niece that’s she’s not actually her mother. ExSIL often makes things difficult, but she rolls with it and she, my brother and niece are a completely stable and healthy family during their time together.

It doesn’t all have to be drama when there’s grownups in the room.

I'm the PP and agree - it's why I said, "more often than not". I certainly don't want my daughter to date a divorced man with kids, but I recognize it works out occasionally, with Kamala Harris being the most notable example that comes to mind.

My husband was divorced. Ex cheated and left with ap and lots of drama. Once youngest hit 18 and no more child support she stopped. We’ve been married over 20 years and good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

Why would you have two mortgages? Ex is responsible for her living situation.

[Anonymous]

Hope he was smart enough to get a prenup. If not, he's not that smart.

Anonymous wrote:I have one friend who did this and I think her reasons, aside from the usual stuff, like he's handsome, fit and charismatic, were (1) he is super rich, even after the divorce, and (2) she could see that he is a good father, plus he had a lot of awareness when they were dating that she would want kids of her own and promised her that he'd love to have kids with her. I think she's pretty happy because (1) she's super rich now and (2) he's an involved, good father to their kids.