S/o meeting the ex-wife: what are the girlfriends thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

So, like a true see you next Tuesday, you ended things?

Yes. I wanted marriage and biological kids. Breaking up with him freed me up to eventually have those things.

Well, at least you own being such a shallow twat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

So, like a true see you next Tuesday, you ended things?

Yes. I wanted marriage and biological kids. Breaking up with him freed me up to eventually have those things.

Well, at least you own being such a shallow twat.

I wanted marriage and biological children with a man who could contribute a similar amount of time and resources to the marriage as me. I never needed approval from men like you as there were enough good ones in the dating pool to sort through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

So, like a true see you next Tuesday, you ended things?

Yes. I wanted marriage and biological kids. Breaking up with him freed me up to eventually have those things.

Well, at least you own being such a shallow twat.

I wanted marriage and biological children with a man who could contribute a similar amount of time and resources to the marriage as me. I never needed approval from men like you as there were enough good ones in the dating pool to sort through.

LOL. As if I would have dated you. Dream on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

This is PP and, yes, of course they do. I'm not living paycheck to paycheck though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone in the thread mentioned that for a single women with no kids, there’s many better options than marrying a man with young kids and an ex wife. That thread suggests there may be a lot of drama and even when no drama you’ll always be second to your boyfriends children.

Yet many women will want to do this and in fact do it. Why? What are they thinking is the appeal in this situation?

I don't think they are “thinking”. They are often naive and assume life will be easier if they date/marry an established family man, and they don't understand the trade-offs. Go onto any number of reddit threads discussing second spouse / stepparent issues and you'll learn that 95% of them are miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This is my friend at 37. Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself. Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small. She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids. Her soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old. There really is no drama. They all attend kids events without issues. My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work.

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids. At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them. More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.

I don’t think this is universally the case. One of my friends missed the window, didn’t want kids with her previous partners for various reasons, but is absolutely overjoyed with being a stepmother to her bonus children. My SIL is also similar - my bother had my niece but but by the time they met and got settled neither was super attracted to going through the baby phase and the like. She is an absolutely incredible “bonus mother” and you’d never realize if you saw her with me niece that’s she’s not actually her mother. ExSIL often makes things difficult, but she rolls with it and she, my brother and niece are a completely stable and healthy family during their time together.

It doesn’t all have to be drama when there’s grownups in the room.

I'm the PP and agree - it's why I said, "more often than not". I certainly don't want my daughter to date a divorced man with kids, but I recognize it works out occasionally, with Kamala Harris being the most notable example that comes to mind.

Kamala Harris was 49 years old when she married Doug Emhoff. When Harris and Emhoff married, Emhoff's children from his previous marriage were about 20 and 15. At their marriage, Harris was established as California's Attorney General, which likely meant she had both financial independence and significant professional responsibilities that left her little time for Emhoff. And being 49 when she married, Harris was beyond typical childbearing years, which probably eliminated potential tension around having biological children together. Also, Doug’s ex Kerstin maintained a friendly relationship with both Doug and Kamala - Kerstin has even spoken warmly about Harris as a stepmother on several occasions, suggesting she isn't someone who would create unnecessary drama in their relationship. So, the kind of exception that would warrant a single woman marrying a divorced dad with kids should include factors like (1) the woman is beyond her childbearing years, (2) the stepkids are in college or close to college age, (3) the woman has her own career or hobbies that keep her busy, (4) the ex-wife is reasonable and welcoming of the new wife, and (5) the husband is successful and not relying on his new wife’s resources to meet his financial or other obligations to his children.

Didn’t he bang the nanny when he was married to his first wife? She was probably glad to be rid of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably that this is the best they can get.

Or that they can fix it with structure and boundaries or gentle parenting or crystals or essential oils or whatever dumb shit they're into.

Spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope he was smart enough to get a prenup. If not, he's not that smart.

Anonymous wrote:I have one friend who did this and I think her reasons, aside from the usual stuff, like he's handsome, fit and charismatic, were (1) he is super rich, even after the divorce, and (2) she could see that he is a good father, plus he had a lot of awareness when they were dating that she would want kids of her own and promised her that he'd love to have kids with her. I think she's pretty happy because (1) she's super rich now and (2) he's an involved, good father to their kids.

I guess he's smart enough when he thinks with his big head, but not when he thinks with his little head. No prenup. She had some of her own money, so maybe he reasoned she wasn't marrying for nefarious reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

I am one such a man and currently single living paycheck to paycheck. I am absolutely my husband material. Maybe in 4 years I'll be. But I'll be with 50 years old then maybe too old for a lot of women.

But yeah my monthly obligations for alimony, child support, college savings, extracurricular, medical, and on and on is $31,000/month.

Oh well such is life..,

[Anonymous]

I have a kid now, but before I did, I didn't really mind dating divorced dads because I like kids and didn't mind the idea of being a stepmom. If a guy is a good guy, kids are not a deal-breaker.

That said, I have an older teen and prefer to date men without kids, with grown kids or with older teens. I don't especially want to go back to the intensive parenting phases I've left behind- I want to meet someone with a similar retirement timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

So, like a true see you next Tuesday, you ended things?

Yes. I wanted marriage and biological kids. Breaking up with him freed me up to eventually have those things.

Well, at least you own being such a shallow twat.

This is exactly why. Women are judged as being shallow if they don’t want to date a man with kids and golddiggers if they care about a man’s finances.

Starting as a teenager, if I didn’t like a guy, I’d always hear “but he’s soooo nice! Poor guy! Give him a chance!” When reality is girls should be taught to be more pragmatic when it comes to choosing a partner, and understand fully what they are getting into if a man has kids/is underemployed/comes from a bad family/etc.

And I say this as someone who was a single mom. When I dated men without kids, I made it clear to them what life with me looked like. If a guy loved traveling, I let him know that I will never be traveling with him and if that was important in a partner, he needed to move on (I was blown away by how many men didn’t understand I couldn’t just leave for a weekend with kids, they’d say “can’t you just hire a sitter?”)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real key to it working, besides the new woman not wanting to have kids of her own, is that the man is wealthy, like Emhoff. You can share your husband's time with his kids, but when you're not able to afford the house, car, travel, retirement that you want because he needs to fund their college and weddings and cover the cost for those kids to join you on vacation to Europe, there will be problems. For men who divorced women who didn't earn much or didn't work at all, they usually have onerous alimony payments that really drain their accounts, even if they are high earners.

Women who never had their own children will have a very difficult time truly understanding the parent-child bond, and that situation is ripe for lots of negative feelings. If he's a decent dad, he'll make sure that when he dies, his kids inherit at least half of his estate instead of it all going to his surviving wife. Most second wives would not be okay with that.

Second wife here and I would be okay with that. I would not be okay with him leaving DC more than half. I personally plan to leave 100% to my own DC, unless DH and I are together 25+ years and he takes care of me in old age/infirmity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real key to it working, besides the new woman not wanting to have kids of her own, is that the man is wealthy, like Emhoff. You can share your husband's time with his kids, but when you're not able to afford the house, car, travel, retirement that you want because he needs to fund their college and weddings and cover the cost for those kids to join you on vacation to Europe, there will be problems. For men who divorced women who didn't earn much or didn't work at all, they usually have onerous alimony payments that really drain their accounts, even if they are high earners.

Women who never had their own children will have a very difficult time truly understanding the parent-child bond, and that situation is ripe for lots of negative feelings. If he's a decent dad, he'll make sure that when he dies, his kids inherit at least half of his estate instead of it all going to his surviving wife. Most second wives would not be okay with that.

You are greedy. Kids aren't entitled to weddings, vacations, or college. My parents never paid for my wedding or trips (though I'd never go with them as we went once and it was miserable but we paid our own way). Kids also aren't entitled to an inheritance. My parents have given me nothing as an adult. My dad's estate when to my sister as she took over as executor (we were both) and she and my mom (divorced stole it all from me despite the will).

I am entitled to 100% of everything my spouse and I have. 1/2 should not go to his kids. They got supported as children and we as a couple will leave them what is appropiate based off our relationship with them. But, they will not inherit until we are both dead. My husband was married previously 10 years. We will be married 40+ years hopefully (25 already). His ex-wife got child support, alimony and 1/2 his mlitary pension which started when they were both 38. He's done his share for them. And, should we die sooner, our minor children will be taken care of through grad school before anything is distributed. None of our money was earned prior to us being married and I was the one who had some savings, not him. I paid for the wedding and much more early on (he's made it up to me and increased his salary). He was giving everything to his ex, who then came after me after we were married for more child support as she thought she was entitled to it from me as well (obviously the judge didn't agree).

If you want your kids to inherit as well as yourself, you should have stayed married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was headed toward divorce at age 37, I never in a million years thought women would want to date a man with two kids and two mortgages.

I had no idea how easy it would end up being to meet younger attractive accomplished women as a man who is successful and in shape.

Do the women you date understand your financial obligations to your 2 kids and 2 mortgages? I dated someone for a while until he shared details of his salary and his alimony, child support, and college funding obligations toward his kids. It didn't take long to figure out that even though he was successful and in shape, he was living paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future, and was not husband material.

So, like a true see you next Tuesday, you ended things?

Yes. I wanted marriage and biological kids. Breaking up with him freed me up to eventually have those things.

Well, at least you own being such a shallow twat.

This is exactly why. Women are judged as being shallow if they don’t want to date a man with kids and golddiggers if they care about a man’s finances.

Starting as a teenager, if I didn’t like a guy, I’d always hear “but he’s soooo nice! Poor guy! Give him a chance!” When reality is girls should be taught to be more pragmatic when it comes to choosing a partner, and understand fully what they are getting into if a man has kids/is underemployed/comes from a bad family/etc.

And I say this as someone who was a single mom. When I dated men without kids, I made it clear to them what life with me looked like. If a guy loved traveling, I let him know that I will never be traveling with him and if that was important in a partner, he needed to move on (I was blown away by how many men didn’t understand I couldn’t just leave for a weekend with kids, they’d say “can’t you just hire a sitter?”)

I was taught to be pragmatic when choosing a partner. Dating a man with prior kids was so absurd that it never came up. My parents talked to me about dating someone who comes from an intact family, shares our family's values, and has the same work ethic and ambitions that I have. This board is a good reminder that I want to talk to my own kids about how to pick a marriage partner someday when the time is right.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on whose embraced therapy and who just started dating the second they could.