Self-conscious 4th grader making friends - should I let this go?

[Anonymous]

We moved about a year ago and DD9 and DS5 are at a new school. It’s in an UMC neighborhood where a lot of the moms are SAH or work part-time flexible, so younger kids get together a lot for play dates and older kids carpool to activities together. I’ve had no problem connecting with other families in DS’s class, but DD is another story. The girls that DD has become friends with are a tight-knit group, both the girls and the moms, and they seem to see each other regularly at various afterschool activities. Socially at school, DD is doing okay; she feels like she’s at the “outskirts” of the group, which makes her feel awkward, but assures me that the girls are nice and not excluding her. Outside of school, we’ve had play dates with the three girls in her class (the other eight girls are all in a different class together), and the moms have said “you need to come to our house next time” but… it’s been a couple months now and no invite. We had DD’s birthday party last weekend where I met all of the other moms, most for the first time, and while they were all nice, I didn’t get these super-friendly vibes from any of them.

I honestly don’t know what more I can do to support DD in her friendships. I volunteer and go to every school event, so I can mingle with the other girl moms when I can, which has been limited. I feel like I’ve tapped the well when it comes to play dates, it’s time for the other moms to reciprocate. At school pick-up, the girls and their moms meet at a certain area. I have to pick DS up from a certain gate because he’s little, but I’ve told DD that she should go to her friends’ area and we’ll meet her there. The two areas are in the same yard and within sight of each other. I’ve explained to DD that even if it’s only a few minutes, this gives the other moms the opportunity to see and get to know her (at the party, I could tell some didn’t know her at all) and me, and how this regular contact could lead to opportunities to hang out, which it did a couple times (e.g., trip to Starbucks afterward). She said she’ll go there, but 9/10 times, she comes to the kinder gate, dilly dallies, makes excuses like her friends have already left (not always true) etc and ends up not going. I’ve asked why she won’t go, she says she doesn’t know, but I believe it’s because she feels awkward.

I’ve told DD that it’s completely okay to just hang out with friends at school, which is what I did when I was in elementary school. She says no, she wants to spend time with these friends outside of school, too. I told her well then you need to be more proactive like go to the girls pick-up area, but DD really dislikes putting herself out there. I’ve seen her in situations where everyone is new and she has no problem being confident and outgoing. But here, she hates having to be the only one who has to put that extra effort in to be friends.

At this point, I’m ready to give up and stop trying. I think the final straw for me was hearing from DD that all of these girls are going to summer camp at the same place. The school offers a bunch of different classes, schedules, weeks, so it’s not like I can sign DD up and be sure she would see her friends. It would’ve been nice if one of the girl moms in her class had let me know. I’m just sick of trying as much as I have and encouraging DD to be proactive when she won’t. Time to throw in the towel…? Anyone have a different perspective?

[Anonymous]

Put her in a couple of afterschool activities - let her make friends there.

[Anonymous]

You seem way too involved in this. You have told your daughter to hang out with these kids at school pick up and she won’t do it. I would just invite kids to your house when you can and don’t get caught up in scorekeeping. There will be so many shifts in friendships over the next 5 years. You have to not get so worried about it. It isn’t your job to “work” to make friends for a 9 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put her in a couple of afterschool activities - let her make friends there.

She is in afterschool activities, and in one of them, a couple of the girls from her group goes. She knows kids in the other activities, but this hasn’t led to any friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem way too involved in this. You have told your daughter to hang out with these kids at school pick up and she won’t do it. I would just invite kids to your house when you can and don’t get caught up in scorekeeping. There will be so many shifts in friendships over the next 5 years. You have to not get so worried about it. It isn’t your job to “work” to make friends for a 9 year old.

Believe me, I don’t want to be this involved. DD used to hang out with different girls before this group, and it was definitely not work like this. This girl group and the moms is probably the tightest clique at the school - even DD’s teacher mentioned it to me.

From what I’ve seen, all of the girls have full schedules, especially with spring sports, so it’s really hard to have play dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem way too involved in this. You have told your daughter to hang out with these kids at school pick up and she won’t do it. I would just invite kids to your house when you can and don’t get caught up in scorekeeping. There will be so many shifts in friendships over the next 5 years. You have to not get so worried about it. It isn’t your job to “work” to make friends for a 9 year old.

Believe me, I don’t want to be this involved. DD used to hang out with different girls before this group, and it was definitely not work like this. This girl group and the moms is probably the tightest clique at the school - even DD’s teacher mentioned it to me.

From what I’ve seen, all of the girls have full schedules, especially with spring sports, so it’s really hard to have play dates.

My DD is in 4th grade. The part about everyone having full schedules and doing spring sports is very true. There are a couple of girls in her grade who joined this year. One easily joined the inner circle because she does the same sports as “those” girls. Another is on the fringes because she goes to the after care program and is focused on art.

My DD does not do the same sports as everyone else and that required making peace with missing out on being at the center of one of the main groups of girls in her grade. She is content with 1:1 play dates and outings here and there and sometimes being included and she is not willing to give up what she wants to do just to be part of a specific group.

This group clearly had certain paths to easy acceptance- doing the same activity and having the same SAHM schedule. Instead of fighting that, find others whose schedule is similar or join their spring sport/activities.

[Anonymous]

It will be healthier longer term to have different friends in different parts of her life. A set of school friends and a separate set of after school activity friends and a separate set of church/temple/synagogue/mosque friends. This avoids having all of the social eggs innine basket.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you have done everything you can. I would continue to invite kids for playdates if your daughter asks, and I might occasionally remind her she can wait for you at the other pickup location. But I wouldn't do anything else except encourage her to pursue other friendships.

[Anonymous]

Keep inviting kids for playdates, even if their moms don’t reciprocate. Host one-on-one play dates and also an occasional group get-together. The point is for your DD to develop relationships with them and have fun with them. Those goals are furthered even if you are the only one who hosts every time. And the more she hangs out with them, the more she will become part of the group.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would keep doing what you are doing, but generally let it go. She will find her way.

What extracurriculars are the other girls doing? Anything that DD would be interested in?

Also what are the girls doing over the summer? Any camps or certain programs etc? That would be normal & not weird to bring up with the other moms when see you them after school- especially since you are new to the area and might be looking for recs.

You are actually almost to the age where the “mom directed” friendships start coming to an end, and the girls start planning things/directing things a bit more themselves. And choosing their friends. The mom centered groups all start breaking up/reconfiguring in the next year or two IME (often creating some drama, and awkward situations)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem way too involved in this. You have told your daughter to hang out with these kids at school pick up and she won’t do it. I would just invite kids to your house when you can and don’t get caught up in scorekeeping. There will be so many shifts in friendships over the next 5 years. You have to not get so worried about it. It isn’t your job to “work” to make friends for a 9 year old.

Believe me, I don’t want to be this involved. DD used to hang out with different girls before this group, and it was definitely not work like this. This girl group and the moms is probably the tightest clique at the school - even DD’s teacher mentioned it to me.

From what I’ve seen, all of the girls have full schedules, especially with spring sports, so it’s really hard to have play dates.

My DD is in 4th grade. The part about everyone having full schedules and doing spring sports is very true. There are a couple of girls in her grade who joined this year. One easily joined the inner circle because she does the same sports as “those” girls. Another is on the fringes because she goes to the after care program and is focused on art.

My DD does not do the same sports as everyone else and that required making peace with missing out on being at the center of one of the main groups of girls in her grade. She is content with 1:1 play dates and outings here and there and sometimes being included and she is not willing to give up what she wants to do just to be part of a specific group.

This group clearly had certain paths to easy acceptance- doing the same activity and having the same SAHM schedule. Instead of fighting that, find others whose schedule is similar or join their spring sport/activities.

Thanks for your response. This group of girls and parents is not typical. The path to easy acceptance is through the parents. The kids all do their own sports, but the parents coordinate things like small group tutoring, which DD can't join without being invited, and I think they get together on the weekends, too. I'm a SAHM so my schedule is flexible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will be healthier longer term to have different friends in different parts of her life. A set of school friends and a separate set of after school activity friends and a separate set of church/temple/synagogue/mosque friends. This avoids having all of the social eggs innine basket.

This is a really good point. DH isn't interested in going to church so we are unlikely to join one. DD recently started at a new gym and hopefully she can find some friends here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem way too involved in this. You have told your daughter to hang out with these kids at school pick up and she won’t do it. I would just invite kids to your house when you can and don’t get caught up in scorekeeping. There will be so many shifts in friendships over the next 5 years. You have to not get so worried about it. It isn’t your job to “work” to make friends for a 9 year old.

Believe me, I don’t want to be this involved. DD used to hang out with different girls before this group, and it was definitely not work like this. This girl group and the moms is probably the tightest clique at the school - even DD’s teacher mentioned it to me.

From what I’ve seen, all of the girls have full schedules, especially with spring sports, so it’s really hard to have play dates.

Stop worrying about playdates. Give her one or two more activities to do so she can make friends through those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would keep doing what you are doing, but generally let it go. She will find her way.

What extracurriculars are the other girls doing? Anything that DD would be interested in?

Also what are the girls doing over the summer? Any camps or certain programs etc? That would be normal & not weird to bring up with the other moms when see you them after school- especially since you are new to the area and might be looking for recs.

You are actually almost to the age where the “mom directed” friendships start coming to an end, and the girls start planning things/directing things a bit more themselves. And choosing their friends. The mom centered groups all start breaking up/reconfiguring in the next year or two IME (often creating some drama, and awkward situations)

Thanks for the response. I really do just need to let it go. The girls do all different extracurriculars, we can sign DD up for some of the on-campus ones next school year (she didn't want to this school year) and she will be with some of the girls. I can and should ask about summer camp. I know the girls are all going to the same one, but have no idea which weeks or classes.

I agree with you about mom-directed friendships coming to an end around this age, BUT this group is really different. The parents are all very good friends and many of them travel together, get together on the weekends etc. I feel if you are already friends with someone, and have more opportunities to hang out, make memories together by traveling, you will end up being closer to that person than with someone with whom you don't have those opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem way too involved in this. You have told your daughter to hang out with these kids at school pick up and she won’t do it. I would just invite kids to your house when you can and don’t get caught up in scorekeeping. There will be so many shifts in friendships over the next 5 years. You have to not get so worried about it. It isn’t your job to “work” to make friends for a 9 year old.

Believe me, I don’t want to be this involved. DD used to hang out with different girls before this group, and it was definitely not work like this. This girl group and the moms is probably the tightest clique at the school - even DD’s teacher mentioned it to me.

From what I’ve seen, all of the girls have full schedules, especially with spring sports, so it’s really hard to have play dates.

Stop worrying about playdates. Give her one or two more activities to do so she can make friends through those.

As to play dates, I was responding to PP's suggestion that I invite kids to our house. DD does plenty of activities already.