Self-conscious 4th grader making friends - should I let this go?

[Anonymous]

This group will break up in middle school. Just do one on ones with her favorites.

[Anonymous]

If your daughter or these girls aren’t begging for playdates I wouldn’t worry about it. I used to set up playdates from K-2 but since about 3rd grade, my 5th grader has been the one asking or her friends would ask and then the parent would get in touch with me by giving my kid my number to give to the other kid or vice versa. I wouldn’t stress about these kids. She’ll make friends in other activities.
My high schooler found her best friends in middle school.

[Anonymous]

I think in a month or two you will come back and re-read this and be a little shocked how focused you were on “this” group. You probably won’t break in. That’s fine. There’s a group like this at my daughter’s school.

My DD plays with many of them as one offs and several girls seek her out because she’s not usually involved in the drama that some girls start trying out around this age. She has other friends. She does sometimes feel left out but that’s life.

[Anonymous]

If you/your DD want to continue trying to build deeper friendships with these particular girls, then the summer camp you mentioned is an excellent way (if spots are still available!!). Find out where/when they are going to this camp and sign your DD up. Ask to be in the same group as the girls (most day camps will honor those requests -- they almost always have "friendship request" forms).

I moved to a similar sounding area and the very best thing I did for my DDs socially was send them to the summer camp that lots of girls from our ES go to (even though it was a bit more expensive than I would have preferred, ha). Camp is an easy/great way to make friends, which both of my girls did (whereas it had been trickier during that first school year in this new place). Those friendships then continued throughout the following school year.

[Anonymous]

I have an 8 yo girl starting a new school next year for 3rd and worried about this too. Girl groups are really tough.

I agree with the posters saying not to stress over this particular group. Why don’t you try inviting some of the girls from the other class over or girls from her activities?

It’s hard when you and your daughter aren’t part of the in group that’s doing lots of cool things. Must be especially hard as someone new to the area and a SAHM. But a group like this that’s tight isn’t likely to welcome you in they haven’t already. So hence I think you need to branch out. Also don’t worry about who hosted what last — as the new person the burden is likely on you to put in more effort because they are inclined to just keep going about their lives as usual.

[Anonymous]

Pick up your daughter first from the pick up point with the other girls. Only then go pick up your younger child. Tell your daughter you'll meet her there first, to avoid awkwardness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep inviting kids for playdates, even if their moms don’t reciprocate. Host one-on-one play dates and also an occasional group get-together. The point is for your DD to develop relationships with them and have fun with them. Those goals are furthered even if you are the only one who hosts every time. And the more she hangs out with them, the more she will become part of the group.

Agree with this 100%. If you are unfortunately socially peripheral to the main clique but your daughter is liked, you will have to work harder. Don't take it personally, even though that is tempting.

I also agree that friend groups change a lot over years.

Encourage your daughter to stay calm and friendly. No social outcome is worth feeling bad about. But you might explain that the people who have the most social lives are the ones who are extremely extroverted. And that behavior is a choice as well as an innate temperament tendency.

[Anonymous]

OP- did the other moms grow up together? Move to the area while the kids were in PK? Play tennis, belong to the same club, etc?

[Anonymous]

Just ask whichever of the moms you feel most comfortable with (maybe 2-3 of them) about the summer camp plans. "DD says a bunch of girls in her class that she likes are going to camp together. Can you give me the details?" Either they do and you're good to go or they waffle and you know this isn't going to work out outside of casual school-based friendships (which are fine).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ask whichever of the moms you feel most comfortable with (maybe 2-3 of them) about the summer camp plans. "DD says a bunch of girls in her class that she likes are going to camp together. Can you give me the details?" Either they do and you're good to go or they waffle and you know this isn't going to work out outside of casual school-based friendships (which are fine).

This - the summer camp thing is an odd final straw. I don’t email all my kids’ classmates when planning camp. It either comes up organically on the sidelines of sports and we coordinate, or one or two kids coordinate and when we or others hear, they also sign up. Similarly, I don’t care who hosts play dates. If I want my kids out of my hair during early release, we invite people over because I’m flexible. If you are new to a school you definitely have to do this, as your social calendar is less busy - other families have existing rhythm and if they see each other at events on the weekend, it often naturally leads to more. In this day and time, socializing is not strictly transactional

[Anonymous]

I only read the first page, but I really think this seems like a problem that isn't a problem, or it's a you (not your kid) problem. I agree you seem too invested, I say that gently. Your kid might not be GREAT but it seems like you are going to create an issue where there really isn't that big of one, at most. And this will likely work itself out anyway. My advice is step away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only read the first page, but I really think this seems like a problem that isn't a problem, or it's a you (not your kid) problem. I agree you seem too invested, I say that gently. Your kid might not be GREAT but it seems like you are going to create an issue where there really isn't that big of one, at most. And this will likely work itself out anyway. My advice is step away

If you're new to a tight-knit community in 4th grade - the kind of place where most kids have known each other since kinder or maybe even preschool - then you do have to be somewhat intentional about helping your kids make friends. I'm not talking about social engineering, but I think OP is doing right by her DD to find out what EC activities the girls in her school community sign up for, where they go to camp, etc. And by hosting playdates. I 100% agree with others to continue doing so even if the reciprocation is not equally there. Your DD is the new one! If you have the bandwidth, who cares? But also, maybe branch out a bit -- surely these girls are not the only ones at the school?

[Anonymous]

We moved when my kids were in 2nd and 4th grade. My older child was never invited to do activities with others. Instead, he joined activities he liked and made friends there.

My younger much more social son was invited to play dates, sports teams, parties, etc instantly in second grade.

They are teenagers now and have wonderful friend groups that have nothing to do with me.

I also have a daughter who was in preschool. Those friendships were often based on moms. In kindergarten, I became friends with several moms. The moms I like as adult friends and the kids my child gravitates towards are not always the same. In fact, the two girls my dd likes most have very annoying moms.

Point is that mom friends don’t necessarily dictate your child’s friends. Some few magically do align but these don’t last after age 10 or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in a month or two you will come back and re-read this and be a little shocked how focused you were on “this” group. You probably won’t break in. That’s fine. There’s a group like this at my daughter’s school.

My DD plays with many of them as one offs and several girls seek her out because she’s not usually involved in the drama that some girls start trying out around this age. She has other friends. She does sometimes feel left out but that’s life.

This is OP. I think you’re right that looking back I’ll be shocked at how much I focused on this group, I’m already starting to feel that way lol.

I’m guessing that what you described about your DD’s interactions with the girl clique at her school is what my DD’s interactions will become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 8 yo girl starting a new school next year for 3rd and worried about this too. Girl groups are really tough.

I agree with the posters saying not to stress over this particular group. Why don’t you try inviting some of the girls from the other class over or girls from her activities?

It’s hard when you and your daughter aren’t part of the in group that’s doing lots of cool things. Must be especially hard as someone new to the area and a SAHM. But a group like this that’s tight isn’t likely to welcome you in they haven’t already. So hence I think you need to branch out. Also don’t worry about who hosted what last — as the new person the burden is likely on you to put in more effort because they are inclined to just keep going about their lives as usual.

OP here. Good luck to your DD at her new school! DD will be switching to the class that has the larger # of girls next year, so we’ll see if that helps her to get closer to them. I’m not expecting much though as I agree with you that a group this tight is not going to be welcoming. I think if it were just up to the girls, it would be fine, but the moms highly dictate the girls’ schedule outside of school and who they hang out with. You’re right that as the new family, we have to keep making more of an effort (hopefully that will change by middle school), so I’ll keep hosting play dates so if DD and one of her friends asks and not worry about whose turn it is.