Self-conscious 4th grader making friends - should I let this go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick up your daughter first from the pick up point with the other girls. Only then go pick up your younger child. Tell your daughter you'll meet her there first, to avoid awkwardness

My kinder kid gets let out before DD, and there’s a line, so there’s no way for me to meet DD first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep inviting kids for playdates, even if their moms don’t reciprocate. Host one-on-one play dates and also an occasional group get-together. The point is for your DD to develop relationships with them and have fun with them. Those goals are furthered even if you are the only one who hosts every time. And the more she hangs out with them, the more she will become part of the group.

Agree with this 100%. If you are unfortunately socially peripheral to the main clique but your daughter is liked, you will have to work harder. Don't take it personally, even though that is tempting.

I also agree that friend groups change a lot over years.

Encourage your daughter to stay calm and friendly. No social outcome is worth feeling bad about. But you might explain that the people who have the most social lives are the ones who are extremely extroverted. And that behavior is a choice as well as an innate temperament tendency.

Thanks for the advice. I do feel bad, and I shouldn’t, and I certainly need to encourage DD not to as well, and to be chill about it. DD is on the more sensitive, introverted side, so wouldn’t naturally become the social center of the group even if she had started school in kindergarten anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- did the other moms grow up together? Move to the area while the kids were in PK? Play tennis, belong to the same club, etc?

I think a couple of the moms went to HS together, and there might be another connection here or there, but I get the feeling this group mostly formed from their kids going to school together. I have heard that they have a weekly lunch before school pick-up, play golf together etc.

[Anonymous]

Oh, geez. I had a mom like you, OP. She was always worried that I wasn't "social" and "socially proactive" enough. She was monitoring my friendships, asking why I wasn't going to some dance or other event. It was awful. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me when there wasn't. I was just an old soul from a young age. I wasn't destined to fit in with girls my age who didn't share my interests and were quite frankly less mature than I was. Yet, my mother wanted to be updated on my "progress". It became clear to me as I grew that she was living/reliving her social life through me and I was somehow responsible for it. Talk about a cross to bear, feeling responsible for your own mother's social happiness that I really had no power over. I was just a kid with zero power. Please do not do this "proactive" crap to your DD. Do nothing, drop it, move on. Send the message to your DD that she is doing just fine as she is right now, you love her for the person she is right now. You go make your own friends, Mom. Let your DD be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ask whichever of the moms you feel most comfortable with (maybe 2-3 of them) about the summer camp plans. "DD says a bunch of girls in her class that she likes are going to camp together. Can you give me the details?" Either they do and you're good to go or they waffle and you know this isn't going to work out outside of casual school-based friendships (which are fine).

I found out which summer camp, and DD says she wants to go for a week. I asked the mom of the girl who DD is closest to if they had summer plans and the way she said “the girls are going to X summer camp if [DD’s name]’s interested…” and her voice trailed off, it was a little awkward like she understands what’s going on with DD and her peripheral status and she’s throwing me a crumb lol. But I’m not letting it bother me and have decided not to care what the other moms think, which is part of what was bothering me before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only read the first page, but I really think this seems like a problem that isn't a problem, or it's a you (not your kid) problem. I agree you seem too invested, I say that gently. Your kid might not be GREAT but it seems like you are going to create an issue where there really isn't that big of one, at most. And this will likely work itself out anyway. My advice is step away

OP here, and I agree with everything you said. I was very invested, but I’m pulling back now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only read the first page, but I really think this seems like a problem that isn't a problem, or it's a you (not your kid) problem. I agree you seem too invested, I say that gently. Your kid might not be GREAT but it seems like you are going to create an issue where there really isn't that big of one, at most. And this will likely work itself out anyway. My advice is step away

If you're new to a tight-knit community in 4th grade - the kind of place where most kids have known each other since kinder or maybe even preschool - then you do have to be somewhat intentional about helping your kids make friends. I'm not talking about social engineering, but I think OP is doing right by her DD to find out what EC activities the girls in her school community sign up for, where they go to camp, etc. And by hosting playdates. I 100% agree with others to continue doing so even if the reciprocation is not equally there. Your DD is the new one! If you have the bandwidth, who cares? But also, maybe branch out a bit -- surely these girls are not the only ones at the school?

This is OP, and thank you for understanding our situation. As to branching out, DD initially hung out with girls in her class, but she doesn’t really gel with them. She will be in a different class next year, with the majority of this group of girls, so I’m hoping that either this will allow her to get closer to them, or she will click with other girls in her new class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only read the first page, but I really think this seems like a problem that isn't a problem, or it's a you (not your kid) problem. I agree you seem too invested, I say that gently. Your kid might not be GREAT but it seems like you are going to create an issue where there really isn't that big of one, at most. And this will likely work itself out anyway. My advice is step away

If you're new to a tight-knit community in 4th grade - the kind of place where most kids have known each other since kinder or maybe even preschool - then you do have to be somewhat intentional about helping your kids make friends. I'm not talking about social engineering, but I think OP is doing right by her DD to find out what EC activities the girls in her school community sign up for, where they go to camp, etc. And by hosting playdates. I 100% agree with others to continue doing so even if the reciprocation is not equally there. Your DD is the new one! If you have the bandwidth, who cares? But also, maybe branch out a bit -- surely these girls are not the only ones at the school?

This is OP, and thank you for understanding our situation. As to branching out, DD initially hung out with girls in her class, but she doesn’t really gel with them. She will be in a different class next year, with the majority of this group of girls, so I’m hoping that either this will allow her to get closer to them, or she will click with other girls in her new class.

Hugs, OP. You seem like a really good, caring mom! I agree with others that maybe you got a bit intense there, but don’t think it is driven by a need to live through your daughter or desire for popularity. From your description, I agree you should sign your daughter up for camp and not worry about it - most people (my self included) think more friends at camp = better. It sounds like the moms are worried you want to join their clique, and if you’re not bothered about it (they don’t sound very nice) maybe once they realize you think they’re lame they will either relax or suddenly decide they want to be friends! Stranger things have happened. FWIW, my son had a rough start to the year - his friend moved away and he is not an athletic/popular kid. He was in a new class and by a month or two in was much happier. So I think you’re right, next year will be better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem way too involved in this. You have told your daughter to hang out with these kids at school pick up and she won’t do it. I would just invite kids to your house when you can and don’t get caught up in scorekeeping. There will be so many shifts in friendships over the next 5 years. You have to not get so worried about it. It isn’t your job to “work” to make friends for a 9 year old.

Believe me, I don’t want to be this involved. DD used to hang out with different girls before this group, and it was definitely not work like this. This girl group and the moms is probably the tightest clique at the school - even DD’s teacher mentioned it to me.

From what I’ve seen, all of the girls have full schedules, especially with spring sports, so it’s really hard to have play dates.

Ooooh, we have a group of girls like this in my child's grade - they do everything together, the moms are all besties, I've never seen anything like it before. They all even vacation together and the girls are all in the same sports and Girl Scout troop. Very happy to have a boy and not have to deal with this.