Can I give an ultimatum over H’s job?

[Anonymous]

H used to work a job that he absolutely loved, but the hours were terrible. He was either not home, sleeping, or sleep deprived and exhausted or irritable.

Work reassigned him to a different position a few months ago. He now WFH with regular 9-5 hours. It’s been fantastic for me, he’s home to help out, he’s happier, we have a sex life again, kids are happier, I’m happier because everything isn’t falling 100% on me.

Yesterday H brought up trying to find a job like his old one. He hates office work and would rather be out “in the trenches”.

I told him if he does, I’m out. If I’m going to be a single parent, I’d rather be a 100% single parent so I can at least have one less person to feed, do laundry for, and I can date someone who actually wants to be around me.

Is it unreasonable for me to say no to a job change?

[Anonymous]

You can give the ultimatum, but you should be prepared to accept his decision and follow through. Are you honestly and truly prepared to leave him if he decides he wants to stay on the fast track, or are you bluffing and hoping that he makes the 'right' choice?

[Anonymous]

So both of you are willing to blow up your marriage rather than consider the other person and compromise?

[Anonymous]

Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So both of you are willing to blow up your marriage rather than consider the other person and compromise?

What compromise is there? He can’t do one job half the time and the other half the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can give the ultimatum, but you should be prepared to accept his decision and follow through. Are you honestly and truly prepared to leave him if he decides he wants to stay on the fast track, or are you bluffing and hoping that he makes the 'right' choice?

Yes, I would leave. It was absolutely miserable for me being the solo parent while he had zero energy at home to do anything. I may as well just be a full single parent.

[Anonymous]

I’d fix the issue of you doing most of the domestic work first. He needs to pull his weight. Once he realizes how much he needs to do, he hopefully will understand that he can’t do a job like that.

[Anonymous]

I think you're in the right here. He can't expect you to shoulder the finances and all the domestic work so he can pursue a vanity project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So both of you are willing to blow up your marriage rather than consider the other person and compromise?

What compromise is there? He can’t do one job half the time and the other half the time.

Is there an "in the trenches" job that requires less hours? Or does that simply not exist? Maybe a related to "in the trenches" field?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can give the ultimatum, but you should be prepared to accept his decision and follow through. Are you honestly and truly prepared to leave him if he decides he wants to stay on the fast track, or are you bluffing and hoping that he makes the 'right' choice?

Yes, I would leave. It was absolutely miserable for me being the solo parent while he had zero energy at home to do anything. I may as well just be a full single parent.

But you won't be a full time single parent. You'll share custody. You realize that, right?

Maybe, maybe he won't actually take his time with the kids and you will, but officially and on paper he'll have every right to his half time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can give the ultimatum, but you should be prepared to accept his decision and follow through. Are you honestly and truly prepared to leave him if he decides he wants to stay on the fast track, or are you bluffing and hoping that he makes the 'right' choice?

Yes, I would leave. It was absolutely miserable for me being the solo parent while he had zero energy at home to do anything. I may as well just be a full single parent.

But you won't be a full time single parent. You'll share custody. You realize that, right?

Maybe, maybe he won't actually take his time with the kids and you will, but officially and on paper he'll have every right to his half time.

OP. I didn’t mean full time, I meant full as in I’d rather be an actual single parent than a married solo parent. I’m fine with him having 50/50 custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

Then instead of making threats to make it a broken home for the kids whose single mom is busy dating strangers, focus on a solution oriented discussion.

[Anonymous]

Delegate chores, divide childcare and emphasize on work-life balance for both and its effects on family life.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you to work less hours so you don't feel overwhelmed?