Can I give an ultimatum over H’s job?

[Anonymous]

Your mind in made up .. You gave your husband an ultimatum.

Plan your divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d fix the issue of you doing most of the domestic work first. He needs to pull his weight. Once he realizes how much he needs to do, he hopefully will understand that he can’t do a job like that.

This. You need to go on strike and let the pieces fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what he decides to do. Go ahead and leave. He will be much better off if you do

How will he be better off? He won't be able to work the crazy job because of his custody time and he'll no longer have her paycheck covering his expenses.

He will have peace at home. No. 1 on a man's wish list

He has kids. Trying to do the childcare he happily dumped on his wife won't be peaceful.

He’ll dump it on her replacement.

I'm sure ladies are just lining up around the block to be unpaid labor for a workaholic who apparently doesn't even make good money.

He'll probably actually dump it on his side of the family that will take his side that "this divorce came out of nowhere!!!"

[Anonymous]

A friend of our gave an ultimatum like this to her Big Law husband. But he’d rather pay alimony than give up his job so they are divorcing. I don’t think this is actually what she thought would happen. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of our gave an ultimatum like this to her Big Law husband. But he’d rather pay alimony than give up his job so they are divorcing. I don’t think this is actually what she thought would happen. It’s sad.

Your friend sounds stupid. What big law lawyer would just give up their job? It is also not like it is easy for big law to transition to government. Maybe in house counsel, but it is not like those jobs grow on trees. Of course, he chose to divorce her.

[Anonymous]

I let my spouse know that their incredibly demanding job that consumed all of their energy, was dangerous, and made them unhappy and that also made 1/6 of what I make wasn't going to work.

The consequences were left unsaid, but I was ready to make some drastic changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to work less hours so you don't feel overwhelmed?

The breadwinner should slash their hours and salary so the other spouse can pursue a fun job? Terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any love in this equation? Do you love him? Does he love kids? Is it just a set up where both of you are trapped due to obligation?

Yes, we love each other and the kids. That's a big part of why I want him around rather than at work or sleeping all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you get married if you have a problem with in person work?

Would you divorce him if his work ordered him to return to the office full time in his current role?

You aren’t being realistic.

The problem isn't in-person work. I'm fine if he works in an office.

The problem was the hours. He was either at work or sleeping most of the time. Mornings and evenings were almost entirely on me, even on the weekends he was too exhausted to do anything, and he was irritable from the sleep deprivation.

[Anonymous]

OP-I think there is some space between saying nothing and saying you will divorce. Perhaps a few sessions with a counselor can help you navigate this conversation so that everyone gets what they need.

[Anonymous]

Is there a better role, something between crazy hours and tedious office job.

The problem seems to me that what is a great set up for you, isn't a great set up for him.

And if you make more money, will you have to pay him some child support?

This really feels like going to Def Con mode, and if you do love him, I doubt you are ever going to find something comparable in life with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of our gave an ultimatum like this to her Big Law husband. But he’d rather pay alimony than give up his job so they are divorcing. I don’t think this is actually what she thought would happen. It’s sad.

Apples and oranges. I doubt OP would be complaining as much if her husband made big-law money.

[Anonymous]

He needs to find a job that is somewhere between sitting at a desk all day and being out in the trenches all the time. So maybe part of the time in the trenches and part of the time on a family-friendly schedule.

I think, if you give an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to carry through. I get where you are coming from, though, because it’s no fun to have a member of the family who is not really present and instead actually causes friction.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, OP?
I had this conversation with my husband not too long ago. Our kids were 15, 14, and 12. I told him that he could go back to the time intensive job in 5 years. That’s not much between age 43 and 48, but going from 14 to 19 is huge. During that time our boys were going to grow into men, and they needed to have their dad around for that.

It really got to him how little time we actually had left with kids in the house and how much time we were going to have after they were gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of our gave an ultimatum like this to her Big Law husband. But he’d rather pay alimony than give up his job so they are divorcing. I don’t think this is actually what she thought would happen. It’s sad.

Apples and oranges. I doubt OP would be complaining as much if her husband made big-law money.

Yep