Can I give an ultimatum over H’s job?

[Anonymous]

Is there any love in this equation? Do you love him? Does he love kids? Is it just a set up where both of you are trapped due to obligation?

[Anonymous]

I think if this is your boundary it’s fair to let him know that so he can make a decision accordingly. Not a threat just a statement of what you can/cannot deal with in life. I would focus not on the job but on his presence and involvement. I think I’d also try hard to find a third path or point out that a third path may develop further down to road or maybe in 5 years that second path will be more realistic. Life is rarely all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter what he decides to do. Go ahead and leave. He will be much better off if you do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what he decides to do. Go ahead and leave. He will be much better off if you do

How will he be better off? He won't be able to work the crazy job because of his custody time and he'll no longer have her paycheck covering his expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can give the ultimatum, but you should be prepared to accept his decision and follow through. Are you honestly and truly prepared to leave him if he decides he wants to stay on the fast track, or are you bluffing and hoping that he makes the 'right' choice?

Yes, I would leave. It was absolutely miserable for me being the solo parent while he had zero energy at home to do anything. I may as well just be a full single parent.

But you won't be a full time single parent. You'll share custody. You realize that, right?

Maybe, maybe he won't actually take his time with the kids and you will, but officially and on paper he'll have every right to his half time.

OP. I didn’t mean full time, I meant full as in I’d rather be an actual single parent than a married solo parent. I’m fine with him having 50/50 custody.

Fair enough. I think it's actually valuable for both of you to know that this means so much to you that you'd rather be a solo parent 50% of the time than help manage his life while being effectively solo 100% of the time.

But I'd only deliver it as an ultimatum (at first, at least) if you want to blow things up.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I understand this all too well. My DH has to have ego-boosting jobs at the expense of me, our family and my own job opportunities. I repeatedly sought compromise between our jobs and I knew it was over when he said “how can you expect me to have a job like that?”. “That” was a job like my job. An unglamorous but well-paying job that made family life and two careers possible.

I hate how these men expect women to work but also think they’re entitled to whatever job they want and everyone should flex around them. Stupid patriarchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if this is your boundary it’s fair to let him know that so he can make a decision accordingly. Not a threat just a statement of what you can/cannot deal with in life. I would focus not on the job but on his presence and involvement. I think I’d also try hard to find a third path or point out that a third path may develop further down to road or maybe in 5 years that second path will be more realistic. Life is rarely all or nothing.

Use caution if promised a future compromise where he backs off and it’s your turn. We were in a similar situation and finally DH asked for just 18 months to get a promotion and more flexibility, and then he would pause and we could focus on my career progression.

It’s 8 years later and every 6 months it’s “just 6 more months”, and I’ve been sidelined as an individual contributor with no chances for promotion in my future and am just trying to hang on…all while still doing the entire 2nd shift at home.

[Anonymous]

Yes very unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what he decides to do. Go ahead and leave. He will be much better off if you do

How will he be better off? He won't be able to work the crazy job because of his custody time and he'll no longer have her paycheck covering his expenses.

He will have peace at home. No. 1 on a man's wish list

[Anonymous]

I've learned (while going through a divorce with a victim playing husband who blames me for his failures) to never say no to an idea, because then it is your fault.

Say, sure dear it's worth a try, as long as you can find the same 9-5 hours that has been so beneficial to our family and marriage.
Then, he'll look and find nothing comparable (and it won't be your fault.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what he decides to do. Go ahead and leave. He will be much better off if you do

How will he be better off? He won't be able to work the crazy job because of his custody time and he'll no longer have her paycheck covering his expenses.

He will have peace at home. No. 1 on a man's wish list

He has kids. Trying to do the childcare he happily dumped on his wife won't be peaceful.

[Anonymous]

It’s pretty much a lose lose situation here. He’s miserable or you’re miserable. Or he’s happy and divorced and you’re ?

Having just moved out of a job that I really hated, i have sympathy for him. And having been the primary parent where my spouse worked a lot and everything was on my shoulders I get that it’s hard for you. The problem is there isn’t an answer.

If it were me I’d let him take the job and try to pay for more help.

[Anonymous]

Why did you get married if you have a problem with in person work?

Would you divorce him if his work ordered him to return to the office full time in his current role?

You aren’t being realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what he decides to do. Go ahead and leave. He will be much better off if you do

How will he be better off? He won't be able to work the crazy job because of his custody time and he'll no longer have her paycheck covering his expenses.

He will have peace at home. No. 1 on a man's wish list

He has kids. Trying to do the childcare he happily dumped on his wife won't be peaceful.

He’ll dump it on her replacement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what he decides to do. Go ahead and leave. He will be much better off if you do

How will he be better off? He won't be able to work the crazy job because of his custody time and he'll no longer have her paycheck covering his expenses.

He will have peace at home. No. 1 on a man's wish list

He has kids. Trying to do the childcare he happily dumped on his wife won't be peaceful.

He’ll dump it on her replacement.

I'm sure ladies are just lining up around the block to be unpaid labor for a workaholic who apparently doesn't even make good money.