Can I give an ultimatum over H’s job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

What does this even mean? Expected to do the domestic work by whom? Him? Has he told you that or are you just another typical DCUM mommy martyr?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to work less hours so you don't feel overwhelmed?

The breadwinner should slash their hours and salary so the other spouse can pursue a fun job? Terrible idea.

You have no idea how much money she makes/he makes versus what their actual living expenses are. If she’s at a big job just because she’s money hungry it might actually be a fantastic idea for HER to step back instead of issuing ultimatums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

What does this even mean? Expected to do the domestic work by whom? Him? Has he told you that or are you just another typical DCUM mommy martyr?

I mean, when he’s not home most of the time, yea, it all falls on me. Someone has to get the kids dressed, fed, and taken to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

What does this even mean? Expected to do the domestic work by whom? Him? Has he told you that or are you just another typical DCUM mommy martyr?

I mean, when he’s not home most of the time, yea, it all falls on me. Someone has to get the kids dressed, fed, and taken to school.

I know your type. You’re a typical mommy martyr who think kids need to eat and wear clothing. I bet you’re shallow and greedy enough to also prioritize things like paying the mortgage and utility bills.

Poor DH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H used to work a job that he absolutely loved, but the hours were terrible. He was either not home, sleeping, or sleep deprived and exhausted or irritable.

Work reassigned him to a different position a few months ago. He now WFH with regular 9-5 hours. It’s been fantastic for me, he’s home to help out, he’s happier, we have a sex life again, kids are happier, I’m happier because everything isn’t falling 100% on me.

Yesterday H brought up trying to find a job like his old one. He hates office work and would rather be out “in the trenches”.

I told him if he does, I’m out. If I’m going to be a single parent, I’d rather be a 100% single parent so I can at least have one less person to feed, do laundry for, and I can date someone who actually wants to be around me.

Is it unreasonable for me to say no to a job change?

No. I might soften and compromise, if there is a compromise, but as someone who solo parented for a long time due to my spouse's job I get where you are coming from.

I've seen some of the negative responses, but sometimes it's just time to grow up and meet your responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

What does this even mean? Expected to do the domestic work by whom? Him? Has he told you that or are you just another typical DCUM mommy martyr?

DP here. I hate this tone on here. It means if she wants the kids to have a hot dinner or clean laundry she has to do it. If she wants them off screens she has to enforce it. Because if she doesn’t, he just, won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

What does this even mean? Expected to do the domestic work by whom? Him? Has he told you that or are you just another typical DCUM mommy martyr?

I mean, when he’s not home most of the time, yea, it all falls on me. Someone has to get the kids dressed, fed, and taken to school.

I know your type. You’re a typical mommy martyr who think kids need to eat and wear clothing. I bet you’re shallow and greedy enough to also prioritize things like paying the mortgage and utility bills.

Poor DH!

Hahaha! 😂

[Anonymous]

Well. The way to do it could be :”yes you could switch jobs but you would still need to leave office at 5 pm because you also have a family” or something like that. I really that psychologically it’s a much more powerful strategy to give an option rather than giving an ultimatum. Of course, in this case is not much of an option. It just has the appearance of an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

What does this even mean? Expected to do the domestic work by whom? Him? Has he told you that or are you just another typical DCUM mommy martyr?

DP here. I hate this tone on here. It means if she wants the kids to have a hot dinner or clean laundry she has to do it. If she wants them off screens she has to enforce it. Because if she doesn’t, he just, won’t.

And then someone will be like "maybe your expectations are too high, have you tried living in filth" or suggest hiring a magical live in maid who will do all the work and won't cost a full time salary.

[Anonymous]

Being a full time single parent is incredibly hard, OP. I wouldn’t throw that around lightly. You have no idea all the benefits you have just by having a second person around for emergencies or in case you need to run to the store for diapers after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids, OP?
I had this conversation with my husband not too long ago. Our kids were 15, 14, and 12. I told him that he could go back to the time intensive job in 5 years. That’s not much between age 43 and 48, but going from 14 to 19 is huge. During that time our boys were going to grow into men, and they needed to have their dad around for that.

It really got to him how little time we actually had left with kids in the house and how much time we were going to have after they were gone.

Yea, when your kids are little parenting seems endless, but then you turn around and your eldest is suddenly 15 and you realize they’ll be driving next year and off to college in three years and it’s hard to believe this part of life is nearly over.

[Anonymous]

Are you the poster with the husband who had the job studying nocturnal animals?

[Anonymous]

I hate these “it’s all on me. I and only I do all the work!!” threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate these “it’s all on me. I and only I do all the work!!” threads.

Then you have never experienced it. Many women do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord I hope he takes it and let you go your way. Do you even work?

Yes, I work full time and make about 50% more than him.

So very frustrating I'm the main breadwinner and I’m expected to do most of the domestic work so he can have a fun job.

What does this even mean? Expected to do the domestic work by whom? Him? Has he told you that or are you just another typical DCUM mommy martyr?

I mean, when he’s not home most of the time, yea, it all falls on me. Someone has to get the kids dressed, fed, and taken to school.

The language you choose is telling. If you had said “I have to do the domestic stuff” (because he’s not home at those hours, so he quite literally can’t) then I wouldn’t have questioned it. But the “I’m expected to” makes it sound like this is all some nefarious plot on your husband’s part to force you to do more work, rather than an unfortunate outcome of the hours of his preferred job.

This doesn’t mean that it’s right or fair, but you are certainly approaching this situation as though your husband is your adversary which I can’t imagine helps.