Why should he get to have an opinion?

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound like a small petty example, but it’s relevant because DH has a longstanding pattern of putting in zero effort to figuring stuff out but then criticizing things that don’t involve him well after the fact.

We just moved locally. It has been absolutely draining and exhausted every bit of executive functioning I have. DH insisted he could not take one day off even though we both work, so I have been juggling scattered days off, keeping a normal routine for the kids, and packing and unpacking the house. (Don’t ask why we didn’t pay for packing and unpacking- the move contract was the one thing he handled and he insisted he had it in the contract but the movers “just left it out”. No, it was not in the contract, but thank god I had packed almost everything in the house save for DH’s stuff).

The kids insist on using traditional pencils for school and we moved a crank pencil sharpener from one spot in the old house to the same room in the new house. I did this on day 2 of the new house so they could finish homework.

2 months later, DH walked out of the room asking why did I just put the pencil sharpener and he hates it and it looks so dumb and why would I do that. I said that the children chose the location as logical for them and one they could reach, they had urgent homework to finish, and it was also the only place where we wouldn’t need to install a separate mounting plate or worry about anchors pulling out of the drywall.

He freaked out and said it isn’t fair and he hates seeing it there. For the record, it’s a corner that is “my” space within a larger room, and he has an entire office that is “his”.

The room will be redone in 1-2 years once we build our savings up, so it’s not even like it is a fancy or nice room that has its atmosphere ruined by the implied thought of pencils. DH also doesn’t spend time in there nor take care of packing school bags or checking homework.

So WHY does he think he gets to barrel in with Monday morning quarterbacking when he hasn’t lifted a finger to unpack or configure the new house?

I’m trying to see it from his perspective because my instinct is to say something really awful to him and start a blowup fight about the move and his general non-participation, and I don’t have the time for that.

[Anonymous]

Because he's exhausted and tired and sick of living in a half-moved into house and that pencil sharpener looked like a convenient thing to explode at.

Same as you, OP.

[Anonymous]

He sounds exhausting. On the plus side he sounds too lazy to do anything about it if you tell him to move it so maybe just agree? I am impressed at your self control, this would drive me up a wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound like a small petty example, but it’s relevant because DH has a longstanding pattern of putting in zero effort to figuring stuff out but then criticizing things that don’t involve him well after the fact.

We just moved locally. It has been absolutely draining and exhausted every bit of executive functioning I have. DH insisted he could not take one day off even though we both work, so I have been juggling scattered days off, keeping a normal routine for the kids, and packing and unpacking the house. (Don’t ask why we didn’t pay for packing and unpacking- the move contract was the one thing he handled and he insisted he had it in the contract but the movers “just left it out”. No, it was not in the contract, but thank god I had packed almost everything in the house save for DH’s stuff).

The kids insist on using traditional pencils for school and we moved a crank pencil sharpener from one spot in the old house to the same room in the new house. I did this on day 2 of the new house so they could finish homework.

2 months later, DH walked out of the room asking why did I just put the pencil sharpener and he hates it and it looks so dumb and why would I do that. I said that the children chose the location as logical for them and one they could reach, they had urgent homework to finish, and it was also the only place where we wouldn’t need to install a separate mounting plate or worry about anchors pulling out of the drywall.

He freaked out and said it isn’t fair and he hates seeing it there. For the record, it’s a corner that is “my” space within a larger room, and he has an entire office that is “his”.

The room will be redone in 1-2 years once we build our savings up, so it’s not even like it is a fancy or nice room that has its atmosphere ruined by the implied thought of pencils. DH also doesn’t spend time in there nor take care of packing school bags or checking homework.

So WHY does he think he gets to barrel in with Monday morning quarterbacking when he hasn’t lifted a finger to unpack or configure the new house?

I’m trying to see it from his perspective because my instinct is to say something really awful to him and start a blowup fight about the move and his general non-participation, and I don’t have the time for that.

I would say something awful, mainly F you, you jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because he's exhausted and tired and sick of living in a half-moved into house and that pencil sharpener looked like a convenient thing to explode at.

Same as you, OP.

I can see that. But I am baffled by how he doesn’t see that he could unpack stuff, too. He spent the weekend on a trip with friends (last-minute, not long-planned) and then watching tv. He hasn’t unpacked one single item since we moved. He even has put stuff back in boxes rather than put it away (including things that have clearly designated cleaned and prepped areas!). It’s insane.

[Anonymous]

PS I’ll add that when I installed the pencil sharpener, one of the kids says “now it feels like home.” It made me so happy and I felt like all the crap associated with the move would be worth it.

Meanwhile, DH is crazy aggressive about homework and accomplishments and very house-proud, but doesn’t put the work into supporting those things, so it made me really mad that he can’t see the link between pencil sharpener=settled kids, or even the ego boost of pencil sharpener=future academic success. He was blind to anything but his own feelings about how he wants things to be.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my husband, soon to be ex-husband. My guess on mine is that he’s a bit narcissistic and just very self focused and self-centered, so he doesn’t even see that things are happening around him or that there are things he could do to be more helpful.

He also loves to come in with last minute advice after asking me to spend hours and hours on doing something and it drives me absolutely crazy. Like he’ll wait until I’m two months and 40 hours into trip planning and then come up with a hotel suggestion because he heard about it from a friend… it was just one of many things that drove me crazy, I think it’s because he overestimated the value of his opinion and wisdom, and didn’t really care about my feelings anyway. So I think, in my case, DH‘s world view was just that I should be thankful for his pearls of wisdom, and there was not even a thought about the fact that there’s an unequal distribution of work and then I was about to kill him. Also, I think he so overestimates the value of his contribution that he doesn’t necessarily see an unequal distribution of effort. Maybe this is like your husband?

[Anonymous]

Do you work full time OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you work full time OP?

Yes! Same industry and in different years we earn more or less than each other. It’s not like he’s Mr. Breadwinner!

And my job has way less flexibility than DH’s, which makes it insane that he’s been so rigid about his time.

[Anonymous]

You know he's like this. I can't get over a grown adult going away and then sitting and watching TV while his spouse settles into a new house. But, this isn't new behavior for him. So the only thing you can do is manage how you react to it.

You can divorce like PP
You can flip out at him (honestly what I would be tempted to do because I'd be so annoyed).
You can demand he figure out a way not to be a lazy POS
Or you can just sigh and accept he's this way and not let yourself get upset over it.

[Anonymous]

If my husband went on a last minute trip with friends when we had a house to unpack, I would lose my mind. And I’m pretty flexible about my husband traveling with friends when he wants to.

There are so many problems here. I doubt you will stay married to him forever so keep your income up. If you bought a bigger house, try to keep as many other expenses down so you aren’t stuck in this mess due to finances. You can ask him to go to counseling but I doubt it does any good. What things does this guy do that are amazing? If you don’t have a long list that offsets this, consider whether divorcing while kids are young is better than gritting your teeth until age 18 for the youngest.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he’s cheating, particularly with unable to take a day off or help—then being a critical a-hole. That is exactly how my ex acted when he was looking online for an affair/in an affair. We were re-doing the backyard, building a patio and he wouldn’t be around or give input and then when I’d make a choice he’d go on a serious rant and complain. It was disorienting. It’s only with hindsight I could when the behavior started/was going on. At the time I was so busy running everything along with my own job—I was walking on eggshells and exhausted. FWIW, several of the cheating/divorces in our neighborhood were at the time of a new house, shortly thereafter. Ironically, the woman he had the affair with had just moved into a new McMansion..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he’s cheating, particularly with unable to take a day off or help—then being a critical a-hole. That is exactly how my ex acted when he was looking online for an affair/in an affair. We were re-doing the backyard, building a patio and he wouldn’t be around or give input and then when I’d make a choice he’d go on a serious rant and complain. It was disorienting. It’s only with hindsight I could when the behavior started/was going on. At the time I was so busy running everything along with my own job—I was walking on eggshells and exhausted. FWIW, several of the cheating/divorces in our neighborhood were at the time of a new house, shortly thereafter. Ironically, the woman he had the affair with had just moved into a new McMansion..

And OP this:
“Meanwhile, DH is crazy aggressive about homework and accomplishments and very house-proud, but doesn’t put the work into supporting..”
Was exactly how he acted. It’s a form of narcissism—the house, the kids, the wife are all to make him look good externally. I bet he takes credit for everything good that happens (even if it was you) and blames you for everything that doesn’t. It got to the point mine would say something was his idea or he picked it out and took the compliments and actually convince himself it was true—I had nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

enjoy your divorce.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a jackass and this doesn't seem to be anything new, but you're obviously committed to the relationship.

The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Stop thinking he's going to behave any differently than he normally does. He's totally unreliable and unsupportive. That should be built into every decision you make: "Do I want to move to a new house knowing that he's completely unreliable and unsupportive and so I will have to do everything?"

Re his opinion: Anyone is entitled to have an opinion on anything. It doesn't mean that anyone cares what your opinion is. So here's the question for you: why do you care what he thinks? What happens if you just ignore his BS? Just drop the rope. "Well, the kids needed to sharpen their pencils and that just seemed like the right place to put it to me. Go ahead and move it if you want to." And then walk away. Let him move the sharpener if he hates the location so much.

Serious question: why are you still married to this guy?