Why should he get to have an opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS I’ll add that when I installed the pencil sharpener, one of the kids says “now it feels like home.” It made me so happy and I felt like all the crap associated with the move would be worth it.

Meanwhile, DH is crazy aggressive about homework and accomplishments and very house-proud, but doesn’t put the work into supporting those things, so it made me really mad that he can’t see the link between pencil sharpener=settled kids, or even the ego boost of pencil sharpener=future academic success. He was blind to anything but his own feelings about how he wants things to be.

He's self-absorbed and emotionally immature. I'm divorcing a man like that. It really wears you down, constantly having to bite your tongue (because what's the point when he is SO SURE he is right about everything) and choosing your battles oh so carefully, and then advocating for the tiny thing that you need with so much grace and gentleness so he can't latch onto one little thing to complain about.

My "pencil sharpener" example is when I put a wool runner on our stairs. The house is 100 years old and the stairs are smooth and slippery. The kids and I had slipped on them many times; I had bruised my butt more than once. Finally one day I went flying into the air and broke my wrist badly. So I said, enough, and I announced that we would be putting a runner on the stairs. I let him pick the pattern. Then one day he exploded, "You put a runner on the stairs EVEN THOUGH MY AESTHETIC PREFERENCE IS FOR NO CARPET." Never mind all the things he did to the house without consulting with me first. Never mind the legitimate need for it (because it didn't feel legitimate to him).

[Anonymous]

When I’m in a situation like this, I say whatever will pacify my dh, but also dismisses the topic so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. In your case, I’d say, “The kids really felt like having the pencil sharpener there made this house feel like home, but you’re right, we can move it when we renovate/decorate this room. Do you have time to help me unpack a box or two?” My dh would suddenly need to do something else and the conversation would be over.

[Anonymous]

Is this the OP of the husband who fell apart during the packing/moving, and ran in one day and dumped a glass of water on his head?

[Anonymous]

Your husband went on a last minute guys trip in the middle of a move ?

Yeah - No.

[Anonymous]

Calm down and find a solution. You are both exhausted and stressed juggling the move, kids, jobs and disrupted routines and its making you frustrated at everything and each other.

Its a different matter if he is a useless ass you want to divorce. As of now you are keeping him so no point in making things more stressful for all by picking fights over silly things. Just use common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the OP of the husband who fell apart during the packing/moving, and ran in one day and dumped a glass of water on his head?

OP here and no but where is she and can we be friends?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a jackass and this doesn't seem to be anything new, but you're obviously committed to the relationship.

The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Stop thinking he's going to behave any differently than he normally does. He's totally unreliable and unsupportive. That should be built into every decision you make: "Do I want to move to a new house knowing that he's completely unreliable and unsupportive and so I will have to do everything?"

Re his opinion: Anyone is entitled to have an opinion on anything. It doesn't mean that anyone cares what your opinion is. So here's the question for you: why do you care what he thinks? What happens if you just ignore his BS? Just drop the rope. "Well, the kids needed to sharpen their pencils and that just seemed like the right place to put it to me. Go ahead and move it if you want to." And then walk away. Let him move the sharpener if he hates the location so much.

Serious question: why are you still married to this guy?[b]

I’ve casually thought about it before and feel kind of stuck- I don’t know where I would move with the kids or how I would manage my job and them solo, and whenever DH behaves like this I convince myself it’s a one-off. It isn’t, really, but…yeah. For now, I wouldn’t want the kids to be alone with him a lot because he just doesn’t pay attention to them unless they’re accomplishing something. He’s the type to “forget” to feed them meals if I’m gone on a weekend day, and will say that they or I should have said something and it’s their fault for not speaking up and asking for lunch. Nothing is his responsibility or fault, which scares me since they’re pretty little still (youngest in pre-k). But as the pencil sharpener incident shows, he’ll randomly blurt out criticisms and as the kids get older I wouldn’t want those opinions to be lobbed towards them.

In calmer moments I’ve tried to bring up how unproductive it is to not be involved and then criticize things that are done, but he just gets defensive and plays the victim, so it makes it hard to talk about how we could both take a different approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a jackass and this doesn't seem to be anything new, but you're obviously committed to the relationship.

The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Stop thinking he's going to behave any differently than he normally does. He's totally unreliable and unsupportive. That should be built into every decision you make: "Do I want to move to a new house knowing that he's completely unreliable and unsupportive and so I will have to do everything?"

Re his opinion: Anyone is entitled to have an opinion on anything. It doesn't mean that anyone cares what your opinion is. So here's the question for you: why do you care what he thinks? What happens if you just ignore his BS? Just drop the rope. "Well, the kids needed to sharpen their pencils and that just seemed like the right place to put it to me. Go ahead and move it if you want to." And then walk away. Let him move the sharpener if he hates the location so much.

Serious question: why are you still married to this guy?[b]

I’ve casually thought about it before and feel kind of stuck- I don’t know where I would move with the kids or how I would manage my job and them solo, and whenever DH behaves like this I convince myself it’s a one-off. It isn’t, really, but…yeah. For now, I wouldn’t want the kids to be alone with him a lot because he just doesn’t pay attention to them unless they’re accomplishing something. He’s the type to “forget” to feed them meals if I’m gone on a weekend day, and will say that they or I should have said something and it’s their fault for not speaking up and asking for lunch. Nothing is his responsibility or fault, which scares me since they’re pretty little still (youngest in pre-k). But as the pencil sharpener incident shows, he’ll randomly blurt out criticisms and as the kids get older I wouldn’t want those opinions to be lobbed towards them.

In calmer moments I’ve tried to bring up how unproductive it is to not be involved and then criticize things that are done, but he just gets defensive and plays the victim, so it makes it hard to talk about how we could both take a different approach.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

You obviously have big time marriage issues to raise this here. But, I would say to your husband (calmly) that that placement worked in the short term and that you will note his concern when the renovation discussion rolls around. Then drop it. Ignore him if he does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You obviously have big time marriage issues to raise this here. But, I would say to your husband (calmly) that that placement worked in the short term and that you will note his concern when the renovation discussion rolls around. Then drop it. Ignore him if he does not.

Pencil sharpener placement will be the catalyst for their divorce.

Not the other 28373773 red flags and issues ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound like a small petty example, but it’s relevant because DH has a longstanding pattern of putting in zero effort to figuring stuff out but then criticizing things that don’t involve him well after the fact.

We just moved locally. It has been absolutely draining and exhausted every bit of executive functioning I have. DH insisted he could not take one day off even though we both work, so I have been juggling scattered days off, keeping a normal routine for the kids, and packing and unpacking the house. (Don’t ask why we didn’t pay for packing and unpacking- the move contract was the one thing he handled and he insisted he had it in the contract but the movers “just left it out”. No, it was not in the contract, but thank god I had packed almost everything in the house save for DH’s stuff).

The kids insist on using traditional pencils for school and we moved a crank pencil sharpener from one spot in the old house to the same room in the new house. I did this on day 2 of the new house so they could finish homework.

2 months later, DH walked out of the room asking why did I just put the pencil sharpener and he hates it and it looks so dumb and why would I do that. I said that the children chose the location as logical for them and one they could reach, they had urgent homework to finish, and it was also the only place where we wouldn’t need to install a separate mounting plate or worry about anchors pulling out of the drywall.

He freaked out and said it isn’t fair and he hates seeing it there. For the record, it’s a corner that is “my” space within a larger room, and he has an entire office that is “his”.

The room will be redone in 1-2 years once we build our savings up, so it’s not even like it is a fancy or nice room that has its atmosphere ruined by the implied thought of pencils. DH also doesn’t spend time in there nor take care of packing school bags or checking homework.

So WHY does he think he gets to barrel in with Monday morning quarterbacking when he hasn’t lifted a finger to unpack or configure the new house?

I’m trying to see it from his perspective because my instinct is to say something really awful to him and start a blowup fight about the move and his general non-participation, and I don’t have the time for that.

My DH likes to do this. I'll ask him for input or to do XX and he does neither b/c he "didn't get to it." So I'll do it. Then he rolls in with his critiques.

I will just tell him that I asked him / told home about this thing and got no response. So I did it based on what I thought was best. And no, you don't get to come in here after-the-fact and whine about it. Next time, address it when I ask.

[Anonymous]

I could not be married to this guy. And no, it does not sound like a petty example, OP, because I think we can all tell exactly why he is like. The guys' trip and then sitting around watching TV when you are in the middle of a move says a lot, too.

[Anonymous]

The dude is not pleasant to be around for whatever reason. Not sure how you could continue to live like that. Why even bother explaining one thing as if it's one thing and one time.
You cannot fix him, but you can stay away from him some time in far future.
My ex got really bad. His own family couldn't figure him out, help him, or get help for him.
It was few red flags here and there, but finally I had to get out for my safety and sanity.

[Anonymous]

I didn't initiate my divorce with Mr. Aesthetic Preferences, but now that we've been separated for 7 months, it's so obvious that I am much better off and he's much worse off. He thought he did soooooo much, but as my sister says, he's the husband and father she knew who did the most for himself and the least for his family. When the kids are with me, they don't think to call or text him because he was always out of the house socializing or doing hobbies on his own. So we are used to it being the three of us. But when they're with him, they want to stop by for a hug or call me to fill me on their day, because we are used to the constant contact.

He'll never realize that I'm the reason his life ran so smoothly or that my absence is why things keep falling apart for him, but I get to observe it nonetheless.

OP, your husband's absence might not be noticed much at all when they're with you. However, you do have to worry about the level of care they'll get at his house. Last week he had no groceries for making lunches. His AP had her children for five days and didn't bathe them. And yes, that's horrifying and outrageous. But does that mean you keep making yourself smaller and smaller and smaller to accommodate him? Only you can decide.

[Anonymous]

Why are you letting him get away with not doing anything?