Why should he get to have an opinion?

[Anonymous]

Honey, you need to divorce.
He doesn't do anything anyway, so you won't have more on your plate.You'll have LESS!!

[Anonymous]

When I picked tile my husband didn’t like for the kids’ bathroom, he said “well, if you never made a decision I didn’t agree with it would be a sign you checked with me too much!”

[Anonymous]

Wait, people have crank pencil sharpeners at their house? Like screwed into a wall?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, people have crank pencil sharpeners at their house? Like screwed into a wall?

Absolutely. Depending on how uptight you are about your pencils, there are some that sharpen better with that kind. And others that are better with the handheld kind. Just don’t use an electric one- blasphemy and a great way to lose half a pencil in one go!

[Anonymous]

How many kids do you have? When did he first start exhibiting signs of zero usefulness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? When did he first start exhibiting signs of zero usefulness?

Don't you dare blame her for picking up his slack.

OP, you need a plan. Probably a plan to divorce once the kids are old enough for that to be manageable, but that’s not a call any of us can make for you.

The next time he complains about something and the kids aren't around (they don't need to see this), ask him if he's glad he's married. Ask him if you think his life would be easier without you. Does he think yours would be easier without him? Why? What is he bringing to your daily lives?

The two of you need to think about this.

[Anonymous]

I want to hang out with Mrs. (Soon to be Miss) carpet runner. No offense to OP since I’m sure we’d have a lot in common! I’m about a year into my separation and I can’t even describe the relief I feel. It was such a slow creep over the years that I didn’t even realize how much i was tiptoeing around him or how unpleasant my daily life had become.

When the divorce is finalized, my college friends are throwing me a divorce party in place of the bachelorette party i never had. We are all so excited to welcome back the old me.

My kids are mid/late teens though which makes this more manageable. It will stink for them, as divorce always does, but neglect won’t be an issue at least. They’re old enough to door dash and uber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a jackass and this doesn't seem to be anything new, but you're obviously committed to the relationship.

The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Stop thinking he's going to behave any differently than he normally does. He's totally unreliable and unsupportive. That should be built into every decision you make: "Do I want to move to a new house knowing that he's completely unreliable and unsupportive and so I will have to do everything?"

Re his opinion: Anyone is entitled to have an opinion on anything. It doesn't mean that anyone cares what your opinion is. So here's the question for you: why do you care what he thinks? What happens if you just ignore his BS? Just drop the rope. "Well, the kids needed to sharpen their pencils and that just seemed like the right place to put it to me. Go ahead and move it if you want to." And then walk away. Let him move the sharpener if he hates the location so much.

Serious question: why are you still married to this guy?[b]

I’ve casually thought about it before and feel kind of stuck- I don’t know where I would move with the kids or how I would manage my job and them solo, and whenever DH behaves like this I convince myself it’s a one-off. It isn’t, really, but…yeah. For now, I wouldn’t want the kids to be alone with him a lot because he just doesn’t pay attention to them unless they’re accomplishing something. He’s the type to “forget” to feed them meals if I’m gone on a weekend day, and will say that they or I should have said something and it’s their fault for not speaking up and asking for lunch. Nothing is his responsibility or fault, which scares me since they’re pretty little still (youngest in pre-k). But as the pencil sharpener incident shows, he’ll randomly blurt out criticisms and as the kids get older I wouldn’t want those opinions to be lobbed towards them.

In calmer moments I’ve tried to bring up how unproductive it is to not be involved and then criticize things that are done, but he just gets defensive and plays the victim, so it makes it hard to talk about how we could both take a different approach.

OP, I am married to this guy, but it's about 10 years later. It never gets better - at least not on its own. There are a lot of times I wish I had divorced YEARS ago so I could have started over. Or have gotten to a point where I understood what was happening enough to insist on counseling. I don't think I heard the term emotionally immature until pretty recently. And it describes my (and your) husband to a T.

And I hate to tell you, but the kids won't be immune from it when they get older. In fact, you'll likely be shocked and surprised at how your spouse is wholly unable to act like an adult when you're dealing with a difficult situation as they get older. I feel a lot of guilt on this front and honestly hope my kids will understand that I was trying my best but I didn't really understand what I was dealing with either.

The pencil sharpener scenario is a great example of the whole dynamic. Because it's not about the pencil sharpener at all - it's about the fact that he's abandoned you as a partner during this move and instead of having any self-awareness to recognize that he's criticizing something trivial. But if you try to express that I bet you are in for an explosion and excuses and a whole tantrum. Until you are left wondering if the pencil sharpener does look tacky and maybe he has a point?

What I wish for you is what I didn't do or get for myself - clarity. Can you and do you want to live with this? Is he willing to change?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You obviously have big time marriage issues to raise this here. But, I would say to your husband (calmly) that that placement worked in the short term and that you will note his concern when the renovation discussion rolls around. Then drop it. Ignore him if he does not.

Pencil sharpener placement will be the catalyst for their divorce.

Not the other 28373773 red flags and issues ..

The pencil sharpener is the tipping point. I wish I had divorced my ex years earlier when I had a pencil sharpener moment and was just totally done. When I tried to explain to close friends at the time why I wanted a divorce because of the pencil sharpener, I listened to them that I was making a big deal out of a minor issue. So I stuck around for 25 more years. What a mistake. Alas I can't time travel.

[Anonymous]

LOL @ Miss Carpet Runner .. OMG!

[Anonymous]

If you want to stay with this guy then you should attempt therapy. It’s possible he doesn’t realize how his lack of involvement and immaturity is affecting you, but will listen if a third party tells him.

Frankly, I can’t imagine being married to a man who needs to be *told* to fully participate in a family move. But what’s done is done and I understand if you don’t want to subject your kids to a broken home and lifestyle change.

If therapy doesn’t work and you still want to stay, then you need to work on accepting the fact that he will exhibit this behavior forever. Don’t engage in constant battles with him because that will make the home unpleasant for the kids and defy the purpose of staying with him. Instead, find ways to make yourself happy, whether that’s by hiring help, carving out time for your own interests and friends, etc.