Reply to Resentment/regret re difficult son

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[quote=Anonymous]He's 21 years old with ADHD, depression, and maybe other comorbidities (low self esteem in boys comes out as anger and is an ADHD unmedicated thing. I used to be very very angry before the proper medication).

In maturity years, he's NOT 21 - he's 16 or 17. You're not necessarily enabling yet, based on the info you provided thus far. Many people don't understand the long struggle that comes with unchecked mental illness. His path can be a few years longer than others and that is ok.

A few questions - has he ever held a job? Has he had a full physical health work up done? ALL bloodwork, genetic testing? Often times it's easier to back into a mental health treatment armed with understanding what's happening physically. Does he have actual dx?

One big thing in your favor - he seems to be honest and open with you and trust you. That is NOT an easy feat with a difficult kid, so kudos to you for being so loving and maintaining that bond.

I'm also exhausted from parenting my also 21 yo. Not the same issues exactly and it comes out in ways different than your son, but she has ADHD, anxiety , depression. She was a very active kid with a ton of emotions. She'd hold it in all day and then explode at home. It's gotten much better with maturity and treatment (girls are ahead of boys in that area by a few years) and she also has a lot of physical health problems, but her baseline is high cortisol, on edge, upset. It is extremely difficult and demanding. But I will never not show up for her. She doesn't resist treatment, but implementing everything is hard and I know it's too much of a focus right now, but the alternative isn't ok with me. I wouldn't leave. I would begin to set specific boundaries and get him to sign a contract of some sort. I'm sure you've tried to take things away, etc, but it is time to get a little more serious about what you're willing to do. It's ok if it's you who needs to get the ball rolling on any of it. But he does need to co-own it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been the absolute hardest few years of my life. Advice to you - stay off social media, have something at least 2 times/week just for you. Nothing interrupts that. Pilates or a long walk with a friend. But make it a thing that is only for you. You can go see him at school the next day or a few hours later if needed. Is he in college close by?

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