Do you regret allowing your adult children to live at home?

[Anonymous]

We had always figured on allowing our college aged children to live at home to save money after graduation. One of them is difficult to live with, though, when he doesn’t get his way. Gives us the silent treatment when we don’t let him take the car in unsafe conditions, etc. It’s making me think twice about letting him stay at home if that’s how he’s going to act. Did you regret allowing your kids to live at home?

[Anonymous]

If you’re letting him use your car, that’s way more than just letting your kids live at home. That’s supporting them.

No regrets for us. But our kids aren’t hard to live with and we don’t let them use our vehicles or be on our insurance.

[Anonymous]

If he's an adult, he needs to get his own car and insurance. That's a separate issue than living with you.

[Anonymous]

You need to have rules, OP. Otherwise they need to move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had always figured on allowing our college aged children to live at home to save money after graduation. One of them is difficult to live with, though, when he doesn’t get his way. Gives us the silent treatment when we don’t let him take the car in unsafe conditions, etc. It’s making me think twice about letting him stay at home if that’s how he’s going to act. Did you regret allowing your kids to live at home?

why does he have to use your car? What are the unsafe conditions?

[Anonymous]

Has your child actually graduated yet? If so, is he working? If he graduates in May and you pan to allow him to stay, give them a list of rules and an end date (if needed). Parents have different feelings about charging rent so it’s up to you. Another issue is food costs. Will you continue to pay for 3 meals a day? These are things you need to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had always figured on allowing our college aged children to live at home to save money after graduation. One of them is difficult to live with, though, when he doesn’t get his way. Gives us the silent treatment when we don’t let him take the car in unsafe conditions, etc. It’s making me think twice about letting him stay at home if that’s how he’s going to act. Did you regret allowing your kids to live at home?

It all depends on your adult ki's nature, some can be difficult to live with and its better for the relationship to help them move out and live on their own. You deserve to live in peace now that you are done raising them. They need to learn to live on a budget they can earn. Obviously, if you can, you will subsidize in many ways but they are not your responsibility anymore.

[Anonymous]

Our adult kids who lived at home temporarily after graduation had their own cars. Our “rules” which applied to all of us were more about being considerate of each other and communicating but we didn’t manage or parent their comings and goings.

[Anonymous]

Clear boundaries need to be set. If he's an adult why does he not have his own car?

We have our 27 year old dd living at home who is fully independent and has a well paying job. She has her own car and covers all her own bills and insurance. She understands that just because she's an adult she still needs to be considerate of us and her sister and there are common courtesies like communicate when your going out, not being loud when she comes home after every one else is asleep etc..

With that said no we enjoy having her here and she likes coming home to family.

[Anonymous]

I regret it with one because there wasn’t respect, honesty, or appreciation. It’s a wonderful gift that can be great for everyone with mutual respect and communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have rules, OP. Otherwise they need to move out.

+1

[Anonymous]

I’m going to be facing this come May when my son graduates college and I’ve been having internal debates about it.

Ideally I’d want him to move out, he can be lazy and like a lot of young adults, a know-it-all who doesn’t know when to cork it. He needs to be truly on his own to learn some lessons. But on the other hand, rent for an apartment is high, even with a roommate, and his car is almost 16 years old so a new one is on the horizon.

So I’m thinking he can live at home with some rules established, and he’ll pay rent. Won’t be as much as what a room rental in a house would be in our area, but it’ll be something that hopefully teaches him it’s not a completely free ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had always figured on allowing our college aged children to live at home to save money after graduation. One of them is difficult to live with, though, when he doesn’t get his way. Gives us the silent treatment when we don’t let him take the car in unsafe conditions, etc. It’s making me think twice about letting him stay at home if that’s how he’s going to act. Did you regret allowing your kids to live at home?

OMG I am in the same situation. I am an only parent, and my DD (20) lives at home when she is home from university. She thinks she can have access to my car whenever she wants. I pay for the insurance and her phone. She is so ungrateful, and is so mean towards me for whatever unresolved anger issues she has towards me. Being an only parent was not my fault. Her dad is on disability for mental illness. He was abusive. I have paid for everything without his support. I can’t wait until she moves out.

[Anonymous]

There isn’t a simple answer to this. If you have multiple kids, you want to treat them equally. Since you own the house, you need to initiate the conversation, ask them their intentions, how long they plan on remaining in your home. Maybe they will surprise you and say 6 months when you imagined a longer time frame. For the OP, my car would not be at their disposal.

[Anonymous]

You need to let your adult children be adults while living in your home. My advice is do not let them use a family car as they need their own or to use public transit. Or do let them use the car on a set schedule to support work or other agreed on activities and do not ‘parent’ them by telling them it is too unsafe to use the car. That determination is up to them. As an adult there should be no ‘getting their way’ fights. The adult can come and go as they please. They can use what ever you have agreed is a communal resource in the manner you have decided ahead of time. If you have rules they need to follow them or you give them a month to move out. No need for power struggles with an adult. Let them live their life in your house and do not monitor and do not set ‘child like’ rules. Do enforce agreed on boundaries/rules by having the adult move out if they can not follow these rules. But do keep the rules around possessions and treatment of the home not their schedule or behavior. You do not want to fall into the role of parenting an adult as if they were a child. Telling them what is safe and unsafe driving conditions is treating them like a child.