Do you regret allowing your adult children to live at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had always figured on allowing our college aged children to live at home to save money after graduation. One of them is difficult to live with, though, when he doesn’t get his way. Gives us the silent treatment when we don’t let him take the car in unsafe conditions, etc. It’s making me think twice about letting him stay at home if that’s how he’s going to act. Did you regret allowing your kids to live at home?

It all depends on your adult ki's nature, some can be difficult to live with and its better for the relationship to help them move out and live on their own. You deserve to live in peace now that you are done raising them. They need to learn to live on a budget they can earn. Obviously, if you can, you will subsidize in many ways but they are not your responsibility anymore.

+1 DS is very easy going and pleasant to live with. He graduates in May and has a job not far from our home so current plan is for him to live with us for a while and pay rent. As his graduation gift we're helping him buy a car (giving a good downpayment) so he'll have a payment for that and his own insurance.

I would be surprised if he stays more than a year. He has a bunch of friends in the area and ultimately would rather live in a group house with friends. Will depend on their job situations. He's the first one to have secured a job.

If he was a PITA to have around we'd probably make the rent a lot higher to incentivize a faster move!

[Anonymous]

No, we live overseas and work there and DD was taking care of our dog and cat that we could not take with us and I am from a different culture.
DS moved away on his own, and DD is looking away to find her own place too.
(dog sadly passed away.)
I have clearly explain to them that we are ok with them having boyfriends, parties, etc. at the house. They do not have them though.
My kids are not kids, they are adults and the help goes both ways.
They seem to want to move to their own place anyway.

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with silent treatment? That's a blessing from a young adult.

That's what you'd get if he wasn't in the house at all.

[Anonymous]

Living with parents seems to work a lot better for young people who are responsible enough to not need it, but the money is nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let your adult children be adults while living in your home. My advice is do not let them use a family car as they need their own or to use public transit. Or do let them use the car on a set schedule to support work or other agreed on activities and do not ‘parent’ them by telling them it is too unsafe to use the car. That determination is up to them. As an adult there should be no ‘getting their way’ fights. The adult can come and go as they please. They can use what ever you have agreed is a communal resource in the manner you have decided ahead of time. If you have rules they need to follow them or you give them a month to move out. No need for power struggles with an adult. Let them live their life in your house and do not monitor and do not set ‘child like’ rules. Do enforce agreed on boundaries/rules by having the adult move out if they can not follow these rules. But do keep the rules around possessions and treatment of the home not their schedule or behavior. You do not want to fall into the role of parenting an adult as if they were a child. Telling them what is safe and unsafe driving conditions is treating them like a child.

OTOH, if the child still acts like a child and puts safety at risk, they need to be at home with parents overseeing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let your adult children be adults while living in your home. My advice is do not let them use a family car as they need their own or to use public transit. Or do let them use the car on a set schedule to support work or other agreed on activities and do not ‘parent’ them by telling them it is too unsafe to use the car. That determination is up to them. As an adult there should be no ‘getting their way’ fights. The adult can come and go as they please. They can use what ever you have agreed is a communal resource in the manner you have decided ahead of time. If you have rules they need to follow them or you give them a month to move out. No need for power struggles with an adult. Let them live their life in your house and do not monitor and do not set ‘child like’ rules. Do enforce agreed on boundaries/rules by having the adult move out if they can not follow these rules. But do keep the rules around possessions and treatment of the home not their schedule or behavior. You do not want to fall into the role of parenting an adult as if they were a child. Telling them what is safe and unsafe driving conditions is treating them like a child.

If you want to let them become adults, give them three months after college graduation to get their own place. Mine aren't moving home and driving my car after I pay for a $380k education.

Super smart. You already spent so much money, the most important thing now is to spend more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let one adult kid live at home for a few years and will do so with the others if they want. My feeling is that it’s the family home, and I’m not charging anyone rent to live here. I’d rather have them live here and save up money so they can buy a house. We are not in an economic bracket to be making huge gifts to help them with a down payment, But free rent is something that we can offer and are happy to offer. That said, we did have some friction around doing the dishes, especially.

You should charge market rent, to teach them adult responsibility and how the real world works. No problem with choosing to give them a gift of cash or down payment later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could solve this problem by having him buy his own car and car insurance.

If OP's kid can't afford rent, how would he buy car, gas and insurance?

Because that's far cheaper than rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let one adult kid live at home for a few years and will do so with the others if they want. My feeling is that it’s the family home, and I’m not charging anyone rent to live here. I’d rather have them live here and save up money so they can buy a house. We are not in an economic bracket to be making huge gifts to help them with a down payment, But free rent is something that we can offer and are happy to offer. That said, we did have some friction around doing the dishes, especially.

You should charge market rent, to teach them adult responsibility and how the real world works. No problem with choosing to give them a gift of cash or down payment later.

DS will be paying rent, a bit below market rate, and we will gift that money back to him when he moves (but haven't told him that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with silent treatment? That's a blessing from a young adult.

That's what you'd get if he wasn't in the house at all.

If you were trying to communicate with someone and they do not acknowledge your presence and do not respond that is not a blessing. Its manipulation and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with silent treatment? That's a blessing from a young adult.

That's what you'd get if he wasn't in the house at all.

Are you out of your mind? Silent treatment is one of the worst forms of abuse. Only narcs do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let one adult kid live at home for a few years and will do so with the others if they want. My feeling is that it’s the family home, and I’m not charging anyone rent to live here. I’d rather have them live here and save up money so they can buy a house. We are not in an economic bracket to be making huge gifts to help them with a down payment, But free rent is something that we can offer and are happy to offer. That said, we did have some friction around doing the dishes, especially.

You should charge market rent, to teach them adult responsibility and how the real world works. No problem with choosing to give them a gift of cash or down payment later.

This is our plan if we do allow our kids to move back in. Because we can afford it and the “rent” us to help them to budget and save, we’d gift the amount back to them when they move out. That is the incentive! They may work harder at trying to launch knowing that they’ll have some funds to jumpstart them - security deposit, first months rent, furnishings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let one adult kid live at home for a few years and will do so with the others if they want. My feeling is that it’s the family home, and I’m not charging anyone rent to live here. I’d rather have them live here and save up money so they can buy a house. We are not in an economic bracket to be making huge gifts to help them with a down payment, But free rent is something that we can offer and are happy to offer. That said, we did have some friction around doing the dishes, especially.

You should charge market rent, to teach them adult responsibility and how the real world works. No problem with choosing to give them a gift of cash or down payment later.

DS will be paying rent, a bit below market rate, and we will gift that money back to him when he moves (but haven't told him that).

I posted above. We have a similar plan; however, we figured if we didn’t tell them, then they’d have no incentive to actively work to move out. For example, They’d be comparing $3000 market rent to the $1000 we’d be charging him all in? I guess it friends in the kid, so may work but we’re hoping that after a 12 months paying into our fake rent fund they’d be looking forward to freedom and $12000 refund check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let one adult kid live at home for a few years and will do so with the others if they want. My feeling is that it’s the family home, and I’m not charging anyone rent to live here. I’d rather have them live here and save up money so they can buy a house. We are not in an economic bracket to be making huge gifts to help them with a down payment, But free rent is something that we can offer and are happy to offer. That said, we did have some friction around doing the dishes, especially.

You should charge market rent, to teach them adult responsibility and how the real world works. No problem with choosing to give them a gift of cash or down payment later.

DS will be paying rent, a bit below market rate, and we will gift that money back to him when he moves (but haven't told him that).

I posted above. We have a similar plan; however, we figured if we didn’t tell them, then they’d have no incentive to actively work to move out. For example, They’d be comparing $3000 market rent to the $1000 we’d be charging him all in? I guess it friends in the kid, so may work but we’re hoping that after a 12 months paying into our fake rent fund they’d be looking forward to freedom and $12000 refund check.

What about if they can’t pay one month. How would you handle?

[Anonymous]

I really dislike the fake rent. They aren’t really practicing budgeting and saving because someone else is defining the amount. If it’s a secret and things sour, the “gift” coming back to them is extremely awkward.