Do you regret allowing your adult children to live at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let your adult children be adults while living in your home. My advice is do not let them use a family car as they need their own or to use public transit. Or do let them use the car on a set schedule to support work or other agreed on activities and do not ‘parent’ them by telling them it is too unsafe to use the car. That determination is up to them. As an adult there should be no ‘getting their way’ fights. The adult can come and go as they please. They can use what ever you have agreed is a communal resource in the manner you have decided ahead of time. If you have rules they need to follow them or you give them a month to move out. No need for power struggles with an adult. Let them live their life in your house and do not monitor and do not set ‘child like’ rules. Do enforce agreed on boundaries/rules by having the adult move out if they can not follow these rules. But do keep the rules around possessions and treatment of the home not their schedule or behavior. You do not want to fall into the role of parenting an adult as if they were a child. Telling them what is safe and unsafe driving conditions is treating them like a child.

If you want to let them become adults, give them three months after college graduation to get their own place. Mine aren't moving home and driving my car after I pay for a $380k education.

[Anonymous]

Silent treatment?

No. I consider the silent treatment highly abusive and there is no way I’d let someone like that live with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let your adult children be adults while living in your home. My advice is do not let them use a family car as they need their own or to use public transit. Or do let them use the car on a set schedule to support work or other agreed on activities and do not ‘parent’ them by telling them it is too unsafe to use the car. That determination is up to them. As an adult there should be no ‘getting their way’ fights. The adult can come and go as they please. They can use what ever you have agreed is a communal resource in the manner you have decided ahead of time. If you have rules they need to follow them or you give them a month to move out. No need for power struggles with an adult. Let them live their life in your house and do not monitor and do not set ‘child like’ rules. Do enforce agreed on boundaries/rules by having the adult move out if they can not follow these rules. But do keep the rules around possessions and treatment of the home not their schedule or behavior. You do not want to fall into the role of parenting an adult as if they were a child. Telling them what is safe and unsafe driving conditions is treating them like a child.

Generally speaking I’d agree about not parenting them. But if you’re letting them use your car, you can say no if the weather is bad. Not my issue though because I don’t allow my adult kid to use my car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let your adult children be adults while living in your home. My advice is do not let them use a family car as they need their own or to use public transit. Or do let them use the car on a set schedule to support work or other agreed on activities and do not ‘parent’ them by telling them it is too unsafe to use the car. That determination is up to them. As an adult there should be no ‘getting their way’ fights. The adult can come and go as they please. They can use what ever you have agreed is a communal resource in the manner you have decided ahead of time. If you have rules they need to follow them or you give them a month to move out. No need for power struggles with an adult. Let them live their life in your house and do not monitor and do not set ‘child like’ rules. Do enforce agreed on boundaries/rules by having the adult move out if they can not follow these rules. But do keep the rules around possessions and treatment of the home not their schedule or behavior. You do not want to fall into the role of parenting an adult as if they were a child. Telling them what is safe and unsafe driving conditions is treating them like a child.

If you want to let them become adults, give them three months after college graduation to get their own place. Mine aren't moving home and driving my car after I pay for a $380k education.

THIS!!!!

[Anonymous]

You could solve this problem by having him buy his own car and car insurance.

[Anonymous]

You need to let your adult children be adults while living in your home. My advice is do not let them use a family car as they need their own or to use public transit. Or do let them use the car on a set schedule to support work or other agreed on activities and do not ‘parent’ them by telling them it is too unsafe to use the car. That determination is up to them. As an adult there should be no ‘getting their way’ fights. The adult can come and go as they please. They can use what ever you have agreed is a communal resource in the manner you have decided ahead of time. If you have rules they need to follow them or you give them a month to move out. No need for power struggles with an adult. Let them live their life in your house and do not monitor and do not set ‘child like’ rules. Do enforce agreed on boundaries/rules by having the adult move out if they can not follow these rules. But do keep the rules around possessions and treatment of the home not their schedule or behavior. You do not want to fall into the role of parenting an adult as if they were a child. Telling them what is safe and unsafe driving conditions is treating them like a child.

Not if it's my car and I'm paying the insurance. At that point it is a "use of possessions" issue. If I wouldn't let a friend take my car to drive in icy conditions, then I'm not letting my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret it with one because there wasn’t respect, honesty, or appreciation. It’s a wonderful gift that can be great for everyone with mutual respect and communication.

This^. It's not for everybody so keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

Its a privilege which needs to be earned by being cordial and contributing physically or financially. If an adult kid doesn't appreciate it, everyone is better off them moving out.

[Anonymous]

I let one adult kid live at home for a few years and will do so with the others if they want. My feeling is that it’s the family home, and I’m not charging anyone rent to live here. I’d rather have them live here and save up money so they can buy a house. We are not in an economic bracket to be making huge gifts to help them with a down payment, But free rent is something that we can offer and are happy to offer. That said, we did have some friction around doing the dishes, especially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let one adult kid live at home for a few years and will do so with the others if they want. My feeling is that it’s the family home, and I’m not charging anyone rent to live here. I’d rather have them live here and save up money so they can buy a house. We are not in an economic bracket to be making huge gifts to help them with a down payment, But free rent is something that we can offer and are happy to offer. That said, we did have some friction around doing the dishes, especially.

How come their home can't be your home but your home is their home? Once adults, it should be reciprocal. No? I'm not talking about college kids but employed adults.

[Anonymous]

My kid is only 17 so I’m not there yet, but I always imagined I would let them live at home after college if they needed to for a year or two.

But the silent treatment is unacceptable and your kid needs to learn to communicate their unhappiness in a healthy way. My teens aren’t perfect, nor am I, but we almost always have a resolution and apologies with poor behavior. You have to be willing to apologize too, not just assume your kid is always 💯 wrong.

Ground rules are a good idea

[Anonymous]

In a few years OP will be back to talk about her "failed to launch" kid if she lets this situation continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could solve this problem by having him buy his own car and car insurance.

If OP's kid can't afford rent, how would he buy car, gas and insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could solve this problem by having him buy his own car and car insurance.

If OP's kid can't afford rent, how would he buy car, gas and insurance?

OP never said her kid couldnt afford rent. OP said they wanted to allow their kid to save money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let one adult kid live at home for a few years and will do so with the others if they want. My feeling is that it’s the family home, and I’m not charging anyone rent to live here. I’d rather have them live here and save up money so they can buy a house. We are not in an economic bracket to be making huge gifts to help them with a down payment, But free rent is something that we can offer and are happy to offer. That said, we did have some friction around doing the dishes, especially.

How come their home can't be your home but your home is their home? Once adults, it should be reciprocal. No? I'm not talking about college kids but employed adults.

Who says it can’t? If they have a house and I’m old and poor I’m sure they would let me live there at this point in our lives. I have a house and they cannot afford to buy one.