What do you think about family members who override a deceased person's wishes?

[Anonymous]

For instance, a person writes in their will that they want to be buried in a certain cemetery, pays the cemetery in advance for the spot and for employees to handle the body after death. Yet after the person dies their family try to override their wishes and bury the person in a different cemetery against their wishes.

Another example would be a family having a religious funeral for a staunch atheist.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine had been raised in X religion and as an adult, converted to Y religion. He outlined his wishes for services/ disposition very specifically and his family had copies of this. When he was very ill, family went to see him and started to argue about what the plans would be, as some felt his detailed written wishes for Y religion services should be respected and some felt they were not valid as he had been raised in X religion.
While everyone was arguing, he died upstairs and none of them got to say goodbye. They each blamed the other family members for making them miss their chance. The whole thing was ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I thought the executor of a person's last will and testament had to do as the will statedl. When my FIL died he also put in his will that he wanted to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery but as only one of his children lived in this area the executor of his will had to go to court to get permission to bury him in a family cemetery.

[Anonymous]

I understand the grieving family members trying to make things easier for themselves, but unless the deceased's will was made under duress or with a compromised state of mind, why wouldn't they respect last wishes.

[Anonymous]

We did this. My grandfather wanted to be buried in a veteran's cemetery in Pennsylvania but my mom and grandmother chose Arlington National Cemetery instead. I'm not sure why, maybe convenience since mom lives nearby? I don't think it's so different that my grandfather would have been upset about it. He was a proud WWII veteran and I think that part is more important. In general funerals are for the living. I was annoyed at my uncle's, who supposedly converted to his son's evangelical sect on his deathbed. The evangelical pastor had only met my uncle once so the service was impersonal and he was aggressively recruiting during it.

[Anonymous]

My FIL did not want a Catholic funeral, he predeceased my MIL and she was suffering from moderate dementia at the time. She insisted on a full Catholic Mass. Their children really didn’t care. So, they had it. A funeral is for the living.

When she died, they did a full Catholic Mass for her too. The priest was visibly disappointed when none of the immediate family nor their children took communion as none are Catholic anymore.

[Anonymous]

I find it selfish unless there are circumstances preventing them from carrying out their wishes. I get that after someone dies it doesn't really matter, but it just seems like bad karma or juju or something to disregard a deceased person's wishes.

That said, I also understand why people do what they do. They are grieving and it brings them comfort. There was a lot of drama in my friend's family because their mom wanted to be buried next to her sister and mom and the plot was there and there was more than enough money to maintain it. But my friend's sister didn't live nearby and wanted her cremated so she could have some of her ashes. Their mom did not want to be cremated. I got it from her sister's POV.

I see it where I work in the hospital too. Patients have advanced directives but families disregard them all the time when they are the ones making the decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the executor of a person's last will and testament had to do as the will statedl. When my FIL died he also put in his will that he wanted to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery but as only one of his children lived in this area the executor of his will had to go to court to get permission to bury him in a family cemetery.

That's awful. I can't believe the court went along with it -- he earned a spot at Arlington.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the executor of a person's last will and testament had to do as the will statedl. When my FIL died he also put in his will that he wanted to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery but as only one of his children lived in this area the executor of his will had to go to court to get permission to bury him in a family cemetery.

I though the only part of a will that has to be honored is the disbursement of the estate. A person can put burial wishes in their will but I don't think there's a legal obligation to honor them. I don't know how this plays out if the burial and funeral are pre-paid.

[Anonymous]

Most relatives who go against a deceased's wishes rationalize it by thinking that the deceased wouldn't mind too much, or at all. My MIL buried her husband and youngest son - they both had Buddhist ceremonies, because they are Asian and my MIL is Buddhist, even though neither are practicing and they didn't particularly want it. But I see how they would forgive her. My FIL also wanted some of his ashes to be spread across his favorite part of the French Riviera, which is illegal in France. His surviving sons made a special trip and did it anyway.

So, eh.

[Anonymous]

We over-rode my grandmothers financial instructions mostly because the amount of $$ she had in the end did not warrant the complexity of her plan...and it was somewhat unfair to one child (because she had no children) Hope she would not be angry. All of her heirs agreed.

[Anonymous]

My grandfather buried my grandmother even though she asked to be cremated. He was upset at the thought and “couldn’t” do it. My mom always felt bad that she didn’t push harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For instance, a person writes in their will that they want to be buried in a certain cemetery, pays the cemetery in advance for the spot and for employees to handle the body after death. Yet after the person dies their family try to override their wishes and bury the person in a different cemetery against their wishes.

Another example would be a family having a religious funeral for a staunch atheist.

If the atheist ends up being correct in their beliefs that at that point they’re dead, gone and beyond caring so no harm done if the closest survivors are comforted by having a religious service (provided they use their own money/inheritance to pay for it and don’t divert money from other designated beneficiaries.)

In my mind it’s worse to deny someone who wanted (and left sufficient money to pay for) a religious burial.

[Anonymous]

I think some people have delusional ideas about what must be done for their death. I knew one family where the difficult father expected to have his body shipped to another state and buried near his brother and he thought anyone who wanted to say their goodbyes would travel for a ceremony. The adult children worked full time, didn't get along, had their own major struggles, children to raise and no time for all of that. He wanted a certain type of ceremony and assumed all his elderly friends would some how transport themselves to another state for it. Many of his friends were unable to walk and/or had dementia. In a case like that, sorry, you have passed. If you can't be realistic then either pay a service to carry out your wishes. The adult siblings agreed on nothing except they were not going to do backflips for a deceased father they had to bite their tongue to have any relationship with at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the executor of a person's last will and testament had to do as the will statedl. When my FIL died he also put in his will that he wanted to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery but as only one of his children lived in this area the executor of his will had to go to court to get permission to bury him in a family cemetery.

That's awful. I can't believe the court went along with it -- he earned a spot at Arlington.

Well. He had five children and four of them lived in the same state and they wanted him buried close to them. He still had a full blown military funeral.