What do you think about family members who override a deceased person's wishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how people reconcile "they're dead, they don't know" with "We wanted them near us"

(I do understand "They're dead and what they wanted was a hassle, so we didn't")

Eh, if you feel some deep-seated obligation to visit/maintain graves (and I am not really one of those people, but I get it), wanting someone buried nearby doesn't seem too hard to understand?

Agree, and can easily visit

I can see how the elderly men like to force a burial abroad in the hopes that all will keep trekking to the homeland to see his grave and all of the old country.

Is required visits in the will too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When MIL died, my SIL had to have her cremated against her wishes, as that was the easiest way to transport her to where she wanted to be buried.

A year later, I was talking to a medium about my dad, and my MIL came through and said,
"Tell SIL it's okay about the funeral/burial."

Duh.

Transporting and prepping dead bodies is costly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When MIL died, my SIL had to have her cremated against her wishes, as that was the easiest way to transport her to where she wanted to be buried.

A year later, I was talking to a medium about my dad, and my MIL came through and said,
"Tell SIL it's okay about the funeral/burial."

Do you actually think this was a message from the beyond?

🤷‍♀️ who knows. I didn't even know about the discrepancy in funeral arrangements. DH told me after I shared the message.

Cool! And spooky

[Anonymous]

My parents both have paid for a cemetery in Queens, NY for many years as that is where my dad's family is buried. They have now moved to the Philly area. We have tried to convince him to change their plans but he refuses. The thought of grieving and having to travel to NYC for a burial service is very stressful. I have tried to explain that it's unfair to us and his grandkids to have to travel at a difficult time, but he doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have paid for a cemetery in Queens, NY for many years as that is where my dad's family is buried. They have now moved to the Philly area. We have tried to convince him to change their plans but he refuses. The thought of grieving and having to travel to NYC for a burial service is very stressful. I have tried to explain that it's unfair to us and his grandkids to have to travel at a difficult time, but he doesn't care.

While I emphasize with most of the posters, you sound singularly unreasonable. It’s understandable if your father wants to be buried with his family, he should be commended for having already paid for and made the necessary arrangements, and (perhaps most importantly) Philly and New York are less than 2 hours apart!

If a 2 hour drive to bury your father in accordance with his wishes and plans is too much for you then you should feel free to opt out, but frankly you suck for giving an old man grief for putting in place what sounds to be a well thought out and meaningful plan just to save yourself a relatively short commute.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the Steeler game burial.

https://bleacherreport.com/articles/10014600-steelers-investigating-fan-spreading-ashes-at-heinz-field-before-broncos-game

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in Pittsburgh and someone scattered ashes of a loved one at the Steeler game a few years ago. Not permitted to do that and I think scatter-er was fined.

Oh man, all over the stands and people? Or like chucked it on the field? Lol

There was an article awhile ago about seniors who really enjoy taking cruises and how a lot of them ask a relative to take a cruise and scatter them from the ship into the ocean and the cruise companies are like “yeah, technically it’s illegal but it happens all the time.”

[Anonymous]

I think it’s perfectly fine. Once you are dead nothing matters to you and it’s up to the living to deal with your passing however is best for them.

[Anonymous]

We had seven elderly family members pass this year and attended four of their funerals. All were in a major metropolitan area where hotels are four hundred dollars a night. We wanted our adult children (early twenties) to attend grandparents funerals so we paid for airline tickets, Ubers, hotels etc. All of our vacation budget went for funeral travel this year and it was over what we had budgeted in that category. We are lucky that we had the money to pay for all this but anyone who makes a lot of stipulations about their funeral should be cognizant of how much it might cost for people to attend, the stages of life that people are at, etc. We also paid for funeral meal for funeral attendees after two of the funerals and fronted a lot of money for a variety of things, some of which was reimbursed months later after probate etc. from the estate. Again, we were lucky that we had the liquidity to cover a costly funeral meal etc. but I imagine that for many families that might be a hardship and might even negatively impact people financially. The old biddie on here will likely tell me that I am “awful for even talking about money at a time like this” but this reality. Many very wealthy elderly people may be unaware that their grandchildren are struggling and don’t have two thousand dollars to attend a funeral etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s perfectly fine. Once you are dead nothing matters to you and it’s up to the living to deal with your passing however is best for them.

I think you are selfish. If someone took the time to plan a will and a burial, those desires should be honored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the executor of a person's last will and testament had to do as the will statedl. When my FIL died he also put in his will that he wanted to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery but as only one of his children lived in this area the executor of his will had to go to court to get permission to bury him in a family cemetery.

Burial is usually long over before anyone is thinking about executing your will. That is not where body disposition preferences go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For instance, a person writes in their will that they want to be buried in a certain cemetery, pays the cemetery in advance for the spot and for employees to handle the body after death. Yet after the person dies their family try to override their wishes and bury the person in a different cemetery against their wishes.

Another example would be a family having a religious funeral for a staunch atheist.

If the atheist ends up being correct in their beliefs that at that point they’re dead, gone and beyond caring so no harm done if the closest survivors are comforted by having a religious service (provided they use their own money/inheritance to pay for it and don’t divert money from other designated beneficiaries.)

In my mind it’s worse to deny someone who wanted (and left sufficient money to pay for) a religious burial.

That makes sense. I can't imagine an atheist who was truly atheist caring at all because they believe they cease to exist at death, so would not attempt to exert their will after the body is dead.

That is not at all true of all atheists, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL did not want a Catholic funeral, he predeceased my MIL and she was suffering from moderate dementia at the time. She insisted on a full Catholic Mass. Their children really didn’t care. So, they had it. A funeral is for the living.

When she died, they did a full Catholic Mass for her too. The priest was visibly disappointed when none of the immediate family nor their children took communion as none are Catholic anymore.

This. I am an atheist who wants to be cremated and have my ashes thrown in the ocean at my favorite beach. For now my DH and kids are great with this plan but if something changed and they wanted me buried in the ground somewhere so they could come visit, fine. Or if they found God and wanted a religious service for fear I was going to burn in hell, fine. How does it harm me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how people reconcile "they're dead, they don't know" with "We wanted them near us"

(I do understand "They're dead and what they wanted was a hassle, so we didn't")

Eh, if you feel some deep-seated obligation to visit/maintain graves (and I am not really one of those people, but I get it), wanting someone buried nearby doesn't seem too hard to understand?

But why would someone who feels that obligation not feel obligated to respect the dead person’s wishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For instance, a person writes in their will that they want to be buried in a certain cemetery, pays the cemetery in advance for the spot and for employees to handle the body after death. Yet after the person dies their family try to override their wishes and bury the person in a different cemetery against their wishes.

Another example would be a family having a religious funeral for a staunch atheist.

If the atheist ends up being correct in their beliefs that at that point they’re dead, gone and beyond caring so no harm done if the closest survivors are comforted by having a religious service (provided they use their own money/inheritance to pay for it and don’t divert money from other designated beneficiaries.)

In my mind it’s worse to deny someone who wanted (and left sufficient money to pay for) a religious burial.

That makes sense. I can't imagine an atheist who was truly atheist caring at all because they believe they cease to exist at death, so would not attempt to exert their will after the body is dead.

That is not at all true of all atheists, FWIW.

Can you elaborate? I’ve always thought lack of belief in an afterlife was central to atheism?