What do you think about family members who override a deceased person's wishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In my mind it’s worse to deny someone who wanted (and left sufficient money to pay for) a religious burial.

I agree. Where someone has a religious belief, it’s very important to honor that. In other circumstances there can be very good reasons to make changes. My grandfather had pre-arrangements that he’d made nearly 30 years before he died. At the time he made them, they were for a “normal” funeral, but it would have been extremely formal and over the top by the time he died. He was also one of the last of his friends to go, so there were very few people left to attend. We just had a very small service and my grandmother banked the returned funds.

[Anonymous]

How did I quote myself 🤦‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Someone we know died recently. The family completely disregarded something they had specifically said to not do. I can’t say into details - too identifying. I was frustrated for the deceased. I had heard them say they didn’t want X done over and over for the whole time I knew them.

[Anonymous]

I think we owe it to our loved ones not to be high maintenance about death. Often there are many years of selflessly caring for someone, being there for emergencies, and by the end your own body crashes. It’s one thing to request a local priest, or have a chosen song be played it’s another thing to have a list of exhausting demands. Your loved ones likely have barely even slept the last weeks of your life and after supporting you through a prolonged illness, they are a shadow of themselves. Declined are much longer than they used to be. Many caregivers are rewarded with their own serious illness at the end. Have some respect for those you love and keep the requests simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For instance, a person writes in their will that they want to be buried in a certain cemetery, pays the cemetery in advance for the spot and for employees to handle the body after death. Yet after the person dies their family try to override their wishes and bury the person in a different cemetery against their wishes.

Another example would be a family having a religious funeral for a staunch atheist.

I think in your two examples those would be wrong. But in another example, my brother and I made a pact years ago that we would never let money come between us, and years before THAT, my older brother admitted our mother favored him and screwed me. When she died she left a lot of money to him and junk jewelry to me. He overrode her wishes and gave me half the money. I don't think that's wrong (and if I were the favored child who'd gotten most of the money, I'd have split it the same as he did).

[Anonymous]

The executor’s role is to follow the deceased instructions. However, where I live, there is really no authority following up to make sure the will is followed. The same ^^ for the distribution of money. This was all surprising to me so choose your executors carefully.

[Anonymous]

This sort of happened with my grandmother. She broke from the Catholic church decades before her death but my aunt was a staunch Catholic so they had a priest at her funeral. No one really wanted to fight my aunt about it. At least it was just a quick graveside thing.

I guess I'd not be there but I feel quite strongly about being an organ donor.

[Anonymous]

My mom is in assisted living near my brother after my dad’s death. Almost everyone they know has already passed. She has dementia. I can’t imagine flying her body in a casket to Maine for a Catholic funeral in a church in a town she hasn’t lived in for five years and where no one would come since all her friends are dead followed by a burial in a town one hundred miles away where my dad grew up. Oh, and in places where the ground freezes all winter you have to come back in spring for a funeral. Not sure what we will do. It will likely be only her children and spouses.

[Anonymous]

In spring for burial, I mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The executor’s role is to follow the deceased instructions. However, where I live, there is really no authority following up to make sure the will is followed. The same ^^ for the distribution of money. This was all surprising to me so choose your executors carefully.

Yes, this surprised me too. There really is no policing unless you go to court. And that's a lengthy process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in assisted living near my brother after my dad’s death. Almost everyone they know has already passed. She has dementia. I can’t imagine flying her body in a casket to Maine for a Catholic funeral in a church in a town she hasn’t lived in for five years and where no one would come since all her friends are dead followed by a burial in a town one hundred miles away where my dad grew up. Oh, and in places where the ground freezes all winter you have to come back in spring for a funeral. Not sure what we will do. It will likely be only her children and spouses.

Same with my 95 year old mil. She has very extensive detailed demands regarding flying her from TX to VA, types of services and burial. Her children are now old and tired and she has no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the executor of a person's last will and testament had to do as the will statedl. When my FIL died he also put in his will that he wanted to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery but as only one of his children lived in this area the executor of his will had to go to court to get permission to bury him in a family cemetery.

That's awful. I can't believe the court went along with it -- he earned a spot at Arlington.

Well. He had five children and four of them lived in the same state and they wanted him buried close to them. He still had a full blown military funeral.

So it was important to them to be able to visit the grave of the parent whose wishes they'd disregarded?

[Anonymous]

I happen to be an expert in this area. The right of disposition (who controls the deceased’s remains) is highly state-dependent. In some states, the deceased’s written wishes prevail, which can be sometimes in a will or in another document specific to this purpose. In others, it is the next of kin. There is always an order in your state statutes.

It is NOT the executor of the will typically. It can be the same person, but it is not automatic.

[Anonymous]

What if you don't know the deceased's wishes? My 92yo great aunt died without having married or having kids. Her niece (my aunt) put together a small funeral service and later cleaned out the house during which she found papers (will?) stating that the great aunt didn't want any kind of service. Oh well. Should have let someone know.

[Anonymous]

I think the family should 100% respect the deceased's wishes. It is so disrespectful to do anything other than honor what that person requested.

For example, my dad made it clear that he wanted my oldest sister, who passed away before him, buried with him and my mom. My mom passed away first, and they have a tandem grave. My sister had mental health issues and no next of kin other than my parents/me/other living sister.

My remaining sister had an issue with burying the cremains with my dad and instead expressed wishes to scatter the ashes. I would not budge and did as my dad requested; the wants of my living sister were secondary. Had my dad not expressly stated what he wanted, I would have gone along with scattering the ashes.

The bottom line is that if a person doesn't state what they want, then only then do you have the right to insert your wants.